speccygeekgrrl42: (libraries are fun. : Sherlock)
Oh also: today the Albany library called me to schedule an interview for the Delaware branch full time position, and then I got a letter in the mail from the Troy library also requesting an interview.

I would rather have the Albany job because it's a shorter commute, I'm already familiar with the way things are done in the APL system, there will be some crossover of patrons from Arbor Hill, and I would still be working with the same basic pool of people, just not the ones I'm used to working daily with. But I've already shown that I get to know people and develop good rapport pretty quickly, I've only been at Arbor Hill for four months and people like me there. (Also it pays better and I know for sure that the benefits are really good.)

But, you know, if I get the Troy job then I'll deal with a two hour commute both ways. I really don't want to have to move out because I really do exceptionally poorly when I live alone, but I'll have to start saving up for an apartment either way. (but if I'm working full time I can save like $150-200 a month instead of the $25-30 a month I'm working on now.)

Everything will be okay. Things are working out really well for me. I am not going to be like "well of course they're going to give me the job" but I'm a very competitive candidate for the position. I stand a good chance.

just it would be so nice to be off Medicaid and food stamps. I am so tired of depending on the government (says the civil servant). I want to be able to not just support myself but to do well for myself.

Also, today I went to Planned Parenthood and they gave me the patch. Although the nurse said that the patch is a combined hormone method like the ring, so I may have complications from this too. She suggested a progestin-only method if this doesn't work out, and I have been hearing really good things about the Depo shot, so... I will take the progestin pill for a month or two to make sure it won't fuck with my mood, and if it goes well then I will start getting the shot. Because Ginni's like "yeah I get the shot and I haven't had a period for three years" and THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT.

So... we'll see how things work out. All the things. But I feel really good. (which may be incipent mania. but I don't get full blown manic, I get hypomanic, and that's manageable, I just have to not be a dumbass.)
speccygeekgrrl42: (high on space drugs? : Spock)
I would be totally up a creek without a paddle if it wasn't for Brian and April. I was down to two days of meds left and no insurance until September 1st, but they paid for two more weeks' worth to get me through until I am covered again. And it's expensive stuff-- two weeks was $195 for two out of the three things I'm on.

I don't know anything about how medication is made. I don't know what goes into it, I don't know how difficult the process is, I have no idea how new drugs are created. But it still seems like a lot of bullshit to me that something someone honestly can't live without is so expensive that they can't afford it without a better job than most people with the disorder can maintain. A lot of bipolar people can't even hold down a minimum wage job. A lot of them are on disability because even with the meds they can't function well enough to make it out of bed on a regular basis. And bipolar disorder isn't even the primary use of this medication, it's for schizophrenia. How many schizophrenics do you think can hold down a normal job for very long?

I guess that's why Medicaid covers psychiatric medication in full. They know the people who need it the most have the hardest time even affording a co-pay.

I'm lucky I'm as functional as I am. I'm lucky I have people who give enough of a fuck about me to make sure I can still function. I'm lucky for a lot of reasons.
speccygeekgrrl42: (high on space drugs? : Spock)
So while I'm in rant mode, I think I want to talk about medication, which is a pretty natural step from talking about birth control.

I have bipolar disorder. You all know that already. I don't make any secret of it. It used to be completely unmanaged, and it fucked my life up pretty badly when I was 18-19. When I got put on medication, the effect on my mood was very rapid and very noticable. I went from cycling up and down multiple times a week, sometimes a day, to having a longer mood cycle. It didn't fix things, but it helped a whole hell of a lot.

The problem with psychiatric medication is that even if it works, it could stop working at any time. So I was on the same stuff for a few years, and it just got less and less effective, and I got more and more depressed. I was on a mood stabilizer and an antidepressant, and they added another antidepressant, and that didn't really help very much. I always stayed compliant with my medication regimen, but the pills were not doing the job any more, and my life was miserable above and beyond simple biological depression. It didn't help that my therapist was completely useless.

Then I moved back in with my parents, and I got a new therapist and a new psychiatrist and they were different people, which I hadn't done before, and the psychiatrist immediately put me on different medication when I told him how little the stuff I was on was doing. And even though I was taking it wrong (he told me "take it with food" so I ate an apple when I took it. An apple has 80 calories. The medication needed to be taken with 500 calories for maximum bioabsorption; the way I was taking it made it only 30% effective), it still worked better than the old stuff. And the new stuff had fewer side effects, which was nice, even though I've never been too badly hit by side effects except for insomnia, which is why I have to take a sleeping pill every night.

So I've been on the things I'm on now since 2009. And they still work, and hopefully they will continue to work, because they're damn effective for me. I haven't had a major mood episode since I've been on them. I can function like a normal human being. And the times I have been forced to go without the mood stabilizer, I have gone through nasty withdrawal symptoms, so I'm more or less content to stay on them because the alternative is to be a useless wreck. The times I have forgotten to take the sleeping pill, I haven't been able to sleep (unless I get massively stoned, which I can't afford to do both financially and practically). It really doesn't affect me that badly to go without the antidepressant for a couple of days, and I could probably do without it, but honestly I'd rather not stop taking it and have my baseline mood be depressed.

But still, sometimes I think "I am completely reliant on pills to be functional" and it makes me sad. I mean, if you have to be addicted to something, psychiatric medication is considerably better than alcohol or crystal meth or heroin, but... I literally cannot sleep unless I take a sleeping pill. I can't take naps any more. If I wake up too early in the morning I can't fall back asleep. If I miss my medication for two days in a row, I feel physically ill and emotionally dead. If I lost my insurance (which could be a distinct possibility, as Albany County refuses to register me while I'm on the rolls for Cayuga County EVEN THOUGH THEY KNOW I'M LOSING THE CAYUGA INSURANCE ON AUGUST 1), I would have to pay about $200 out of pocket every month for my medication, and six months ago before the mood stabilizer went generic, it would have been $1000 a month. I'm lucky that I'm on Medicaid because they completely cover psychiatric meds. I don't know what percent of my pills will be covered by the insurance when I do get a job, or even whether the job I get will have insurance, and if it doesn't then I have to budget the first $200 I make every month to my medication because I cannot. function. without it. I wouldn't be able to hold down a job. The only reason I'm not on disability is because I'm on medication. If I wasn't on medication, or if I was on medication that wasn't this effective, I probably wouldn't have finished my degree. I definitely wouldn't be in a stable relationship. I would be living with my parents spending all my time doing fandom things because I wouldn't have a social life that existed outside of the internet. Honestly, if I wasn't on medication, I would have killed myself by now.

So I'm grateful I'm on medication. But I still resent it a little bit sometimes. I'm a huge supporter of "better living through chemistry" even though I see people who it doesn't work so well for, like my sister who still goes manic on a regular basis, or my boyfriend who can't find something that will effectively manage his depression. I know I'm one of the lucky ones. And I had it demonstrated to me this month how tenuous this balance I've found actually is, how easy it is for one more thing to completely fuck me over to the point where I'm having suicidal ideation again. I'm terrified to try a different kind of birth control because this one fucked me over so comprehensively and so quickly. I don't want to take antibiotics because that's what set my sister into her current manic phase, just taking antibiotics with her meds. Anything could fuck me up, and I can't afford to have the fragile grasp on sanity I do manage to get broken.

But, you know, I still have this feeling that if I just could have smoked some weed, I could have been able to deal with the Nuvaring. I can't fucking wait until I have a job and nobody's threatening to piss test me any more so I can fall back on that when I start hating the world. I don't need marijuana to cope with the world but it sure fucking helps sometimes. Weed is pretty much the only thing that kept me from killing myself in 2008. Worst summer of my life.

Anyways. Yay for drugs, I guess, and I really fucking hope that the stuff I'm on keeps working and I never have to go on lithium because lithium will FUCK YOUR SHIT UP. I really like the weight and size I am at, and if I had to go on lithium I would probably gain about a hundred pounds. No thank you. I'm lucky that none of the drugs I've been on have induced weight gain because that's a side effect of a lot of mood stabilizers and antidepressants. I've lost weight since I've been on Wellbutrin, actually. And Wellbutrin helped me quit smoking cigarettes a lot easier than I would have done if I hadn't been on it. Wellbutrin is pretty awesome.

And... I guess I'm done talking about medication now. Unless anyone has any questions. I'm willing to answer questions. And I do know a lot about how bipolar medication works on the brain since I did my thesis.
speccygeekgrrl42: (a bit not good. : Mycroft)
My memory's never been the best, but it's playing merry hell with me now.

In order to get my insurance card I had to sign something and mail it back. And first I was absolutely sure that I'd done it, and then I was absolutely sure that I'd forgotten to do it, and now I think I did it because I wouldn't have been so neglectful of something important to leave it undone... but what if I didn't? What if I did forget it and there's no insurance card waiting for me when I get back?

It's a lot of worry over nothing. I think I did it. It'll be in my mailbox. I'll find out in about 26 hours, one way or another. There's no point in stressing out over it now.

I had to have done it. I couldn't have ignored it. It's done. I'm almost sure I did it. Almost.

Please, please let me have done it.
speccygeekgrrl42: (a bit not good. : Mycroft)
FUCK. No. I am totally fucked about my medications. They refused to fill my scrip because my insurance cut me off at the end of December, even though I'm pretty sure it was supposed to last through the end of January. I was supposed to get a replacement card in the mail at school... I haven't been at school so I have no card. Which means nobody anywhere is going to give me any pills until I get this figured out, which means I'm going to be off my meds for at least a week, which means I'm going to want to kill myself by the time I get back to school and I'm going to be miserable no matter what I do or how happy I should be to be back.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

D:

I don't know what to do. I can't afford the pills out of pocket, but I can't afford not to take them. I don't think my parents will be able to help me. This is so bad.

eta: The pharmacy down the street said they can sell me a week's worth if I bring in my empty bottle, and because [livejournal.com profile] hearts_blood loves me, she's going to help me pay for it, because 14 pills is $200. Yeah, it's like $14 a pill and I take two a day. Which means if I get a job at minimum wage in MA, I will have to work four hours a day every day of the week just to pay for my medication, forget about bills or pet care or buying nice things for myself. The paycheck I should be receiving as soon as I get back to campus would cover one day of medication. And that's just the Geodon, I didn't even ask about the Aplenzin because they don't have the dose I need at that pharmacy and I still have a few left in the bottle. It's the Geodon I'm out of, and the Geodon that gives me the terrible withdrawal symptoms when I don't get it. I may have to resort to buying my medication online if I don't get approved for Medicaid in MA right away.
speccygeekgrrl42: (*bitchface* : Mycroft)
I called my pharmacy on Friday to have them mail me my scripts, because I run out of Geodon after I take Thursday's dose. They said they'd put it in the mail that day. It is now Wednesday and I have not received my pills. I run out tomorrow. This means I will be a raving lunatic by Saturday, if what happened last time I didn't get my meds happens again.

I really do not like going off my medication. I need this shit to stay on the level. I have no emotional control at all without my mood stabilizer. I really do not want to become a sobbing wreck all over again. It was bad enough when I didn't have it for one weekend; I have no idea how long I would go without it if I don't get it in the mail tomorrow or Friday. It would be at least Monday and probably later in the week than that.

I have to call them again tomorrow to find out what the fuck is going on, and if they didn't mail it I am going to speak very sternly to whoever I have to speak to in order to get it overnighted here, because it is not my fucking fault if they're incompetent and can't do one simple fucking task. I refuse to suffer for someone else's stupidity.

This is not reassuring me for what will happen after I move to MA and have to go on the wait list to get Medicaid there. Julia still hasn't been approved; she's been paying for her medication out of pocket. I can't afford to do that, the Geodon alone is almost $900 a month. There is no available generic form, for that or for the Aplenzin. And I can't do without it. If I can't have it, I'm going to be literally worse than useless.

I hate being at the mercy of chemicals and my own stupid genetic imbalance. I wish I didn't have to take pills. I wish I wasn't halfway insane at the best of times. And if wishes were fishes I'd be eating sushi for dinner every night.

I really, really do not want to have to start the semester off my medication. That's just asking to fail. Last semester I started kind of hypomanic and that was all right, but I don't get hypomanic when I go off the Geodon, I get paralytically depressed. If I don't have my pills, I am as good as disabled, because I just want to die. And part of that is because the withdrawal from Geodon is really severe and unpleasant. And I don't have the option of tapering off. If I knew I was going to get it on Friday or Saturday I could half my last dose and stretch it out, but that won't last me through the weekend.

I'm getting nauseous just thinking about it. D:
speccygeekgrrl42: (ARGH DAMMIT FUCK : Spock)
I love my friends dearly, but the next time someone at 3/4 my body weight tells me what dose of anything I should be taking, I'm going to very politely tell them to take their advice and shove it. I was semiconscious all night long and heard EVERY FUCKING MOVE MY ROOMMATE MADE until she went to bed around 3:45, and then every move she made when she woke up at 7:30.

Today I am going to Residence Life and talking to Malindra about getting a medical single as soon as is feasible because I am so completely fucking fed up with Emi I don't even want to lay eyes on the girl again. I know it's not really her fault, I just super hate her right now. I kind of super hate everything right now, which is what happens when I get no real sleep. And Residence Life made this problem by giving me a roommate, now they have to fix the problem.

Looks like today is a coffee and bitterness day. Excellent start to the month.
speccygeekgrrl42: (nose-deep in a book : Sherlock)
Yesterday was really good. Dr. Giaccio put me on Seroquel to help with sleep instead of Lunesta, and I hear it's super-effective, so that might turn out to be something good. The information packet that comes along with Seroquel is terrifying though. It says in big letters a couple of times "NOBODY SAYS THIS IS SAFE TO TAKE" so that's a tad bit worrying... still, I'm only taking 25-75 mg (I'm starting out taking two and adjusting as necessary) instead of the 300-400 people are prescribed to help control their moods, so I'm not overly concerned. I generally don't get very bad side effects from anything, so I'm hoping that holds out here too.

One thing I am concerned about is the potential for weight gain. I know that weighing yourself on different scales gives you different results, but I was weighed at the med center this morning and it said 169, so I'm pretty displeased about that. I was almost down to the 150s in August, I'm entirely unthrilled to be back up around 170 if that's an accurate measurement, and Seroquel is notorious for causing weight gain. I will be absolutely damned if I get fat again, I have no time for that nonsense. If I have to cut back down to two meals a day and go to the gym three or four times a week, so be it, I am simply refusing to get to the point where I feel ugly again.

So the reason I was at the med center in the first place is, I had an accident while I was out meeting Paul last night. We went for dinner to the tex-mex restaurant by the jail, and I slammed my thumb in his car door. It's not broken, it was just squished and pierced in two places. It bled like a bitch, but I got it on ice right away and it hasn't swollen up or anything. I took a first-aid class my first semester at Plattsburgh State and apparently it all sunk in pretty well, because the doctor at the med center told me I did everything perfectly to take care of it, and when she bandaged it back up she just did the same thing I did last night. So that's good, I'm competent in a minor emergency, even if I was bordering on hysterical when it happened. I was laughing and he was like O.O "This isn't funny!" and I just couldn't stop giggling for a minute. Anyways, I got really lucky because it's my left thumb and it's not broken, it would have been a lot worse if it had been my right thumb or if it actually broke instead of just bruising.

Meeting him was nice, though. I've been talking to him on Fetlife for a little over a week now, and he's just as easy to talk to in person as he was online. We hung out for a couple of hours and talked a lot, and it was good. I do like making new friends. We're going to hang out again next weekend, I'm looking forward to it.

I do not have a Halloween costume together yet; I seriously doubt I'm going to put the effort in to assemble one by Sunday, because I have no parties to go to or anything. I wanted to be a Victorian-style Watson, but I can always do that next year. (Unless I do get the cable-knit sweater I asked my mother to find me, in which case I will be perfectly content to be a modern Watson.)

Today in French class I bombed a quiz (irregular past participles, what the FUCK) but I got back my test from last week and I got a 95% on it, so basically I am the shit. And now we're doing the passe compose, which I learned in high school and have no problem with at all (except for those fucking past participles), so I got to be super on the ball today despite barely glancing over the revision (which is why I failed the quiz). And I got to use a super-relevant sentence to demonstrate the plain passe compose: "J'ai attrappe mon pouce dans le portiere d'une voiture." I caught my thumb in a car door. xD

Now I have to do the reading for EdPsych that I should have done earlier this week, and hope he doesn't expect too much of me in class. I think I can get away with minimal participation for one class, I'm usually super involved in all the discussions in that class. And I should be getting my Logic test back, and I think I did really well on it, so I'm looking forward to finding out.
speccygeekgrrl42: (look. I've got a blanket : Sherlock&Lest)
I have a functional phone again, hooray. I also did not get my prescription changed back because it seemed kind of silly for me to be telling the doctor what I should be taking, but if I start backsliding into depression I still have plenty of refills left on the Aplenzin scrip and I'll just start filling those instead of the Wellbutrin. So.

I thought I was prescribed the Lunesta 1mg tabs. I am actually prescribed the 3mg tabs. So when I took two last night, I was taking 6 mg, and that explains why I slept for nearly fourteen hours. It does not explain, however, why one pill won't put me out any more. Because 3mg is the largest pill they make for Lunesta, I'm pretty sure, and if it's a question of not sleeping or sleeping until 2pm every day, I'm going to have to get used to sleepless nights, and I doubt my roommate will approve. I'll have the bottom bunk anyway, I'll hang a sheet from under her mattress so my computerlight (one word, like sunlight or moonlight, haha) won't bother her. I'll just have to be careful not to laugh out loud.

Almost up to 200 downloads collective on the three podfics I posted yesterday. Perhaps watching the download count isn't a healthy thing to do but it's certainly exciting to me, to see how many people I'm reaching. You don't really get that certainty with fanfiction, unless you put a counter in each story (or, I suppose, use AO3), and anyways these are more popular than almost everything I've ever written.

When I went to make my phone payment I had to go through the mall, and the store next to Verizon is Tuxedo Junction, where I once applied for a job and was turned down, where the one person at Cayuga Community College I actively detested worked, though I didn't know that when I applied, and for a moment or three I just stood there looking at the marvelous variety of colors of waistcoats on display. I told my mother I wanted a waistcoat. She probably thinks I'm crazy. I don't really want a waistcoat, or not only a waistcoat, I would like to own a properly tailored suit one day when I can afford such a thing (and when I've got my figure settled, I suppose, since I'm still gradually losing weight), not that this is a particularly new desire, it just happened to flare up today more than usual. And thinking about it makes me think about my future, whether I ever actually will be able to afford a nice suit or if I'm going to be wearing off-the-rack dresses for the entirety of my life, and how long that life is going to be anyways.

My mother is 46. I can't imagine being 46. I can hardly imagine being 30 and that's not all that far off, really. Of course, it's a moot point if the world ends in 2012, but I'll be incredibly miffed if the world ends mere months after I earn my bachelor's degree. Though that would settle the problem of my student debt pretty neatly.

I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this train of thought. I'm still very sleepy and I'm resisting going out to nap on the hammock by a bare margin, because a nap now just ensures no sleep later tonight. I need something to do besides read fanfic, although I have quite a lot of that to do. And my brain's not entirely functional so maybe I should just settle on the same mindless stuff I generally do on Facebook and bide my time until sundown.
speccygeekgrrl42: (*headdesk*)
I had a dream that I was in an arcade and there was a karaoke game, and there was a Barenaked Ladies song I really wanted to sing, but when I opened my wallet instead of change I just found dozens of colorful tiny six-sided dice.

I have no clue what that signifies. Somebody interpret my dream for me. Unless it just means I'm broke, because I know that already.

In other news, Xanax is far more effective at keeping me asleep than Ambien. With Ambien I wake up by 9 am, every time. With the Xanax I only just woke up now. I was not taking it to replace the sleeping pill, but I did not take the sleeping pill because I took it.

I entirely forgot that Matt is coming over around 4pm today to watch Dead Like Me. I guess I'll be finishing that essay tomorrow. I'm not going to deprive myself of Holmes group-watch because I forgot that I made plans, either. That would only upset me.

I emailed my roommate last night... now I'm going to be anxious until she emails me back. I just have to remember two things: a) not everybody checks their email constantly throughout the day like I do, and b) even though I tried to avoid using colloquialisms, I honestly don't know how good her English is yet, so she may take time to decipher what I said. That probably won't stop me from being anxious though. Once the neuroses train gets going, it's pretty hard to derail that sucker.

Oh, here's a song I meant to post yesterday but it slipped my mind:

The Decemberists - July, July!
July, July, July
It never seemed so strange

This is the story of the road that goes to my house
And what ghosts there do remain
And all the troughs that run the length and breadth of my house
And the chickens how they rattle chicken chains

And we'll remember this when we are old and ancient
Though the specifics might be vague
And I'll say your camisole was a sprightly light magenta
When in fact it was a nappy bluish grey
speccygeekgrrl42: (Dr. Bishop is way in)
Words again, this time from [livejournal.com profile] perdiccas:
Polls, to-do lists, memes, cuteness, rap sheet (stargazing, the most badass crime of them all)

Polls are fun! They're an easier way to get input from people than asking for comments, and everyone loves a ticky box. :D

To-do lists are kind of vital if I want to get anything done. I need to have a plan, and it's better if I make that plan known so I can feel embarrassed if I don't do it, because avoiding shame is a great motivator. Plus, it's satisfying to cross things off as I get them done.

Memes are because I like talking about myself but I'm not original enough to come up with things to talk about all the time... so memes! They're fun, they let me get ranty sometimes and let people know more about me if they want to and they're interactive so I learn more about you guys too. Everyone wins.

Cuteness is something I appreciate wherever I find it. It makes things better! Seriously, ZooBorns has pulled me off the edge of a panicky crying fit more times than I like to admit. it's better than pills. Baby animals are the best medicine ever. I strive to be cute whenever possible.

Rap sheet is something I seriously have, stargazing conviction aside. I have been arrested twice and it was not fun let me tell you internets. Bipolar mania = impulse control issues = kleptomania, I just learned that in abnormal psych and went "heeeey, I know about that!" I still do illegal things, just nowhere near as frequently or as bad as I used to be. I haven't shoplifted in months, which is something I should be proud of, probably. xD A little dope now and then is a victimless crime, unless the victim is my brain cells.. but they enjoy it, really.


I'm still working on giving you guys words, I promise. I just slept all day today after getting home from my appointment with Dr. Mehrhof, because I got zero sleep last night. I did discover thanks to my personality class that the state I get caught in could be called a hypnagogic state, which is not quite being asleep but not really being awake either. I bet I would be super easy to hypnotize...

On the topic of the good doctor, he put me on something new and upped my dose of Geodon... so now I'm on 160mg of that instead of 120, and I'm now on Aplenzin, which is like Wellbutrin except with bromide, I guess? So we'll see how that works out. I start off on them Thursday because the pharmacy couldn't fill the scrips today. If I go super crazy, that's why! :D

Ani DiFranco music post coming as soon as I get the songs uploaded... so very soon.
speccygeekgrrl42: (half Vulcan whole sweet tooth: Spock)
Well. It's a good thing I have no money, or I would... have no money. 60 pills of Geodon = $582

whatthefuck how do they expect CRAZY PEOPLE to make enough money to get the pills to become SANE PEOPLE? Ugh. I hate capitalism. And I want to drive a nail through the, I don't know, some non-deadly body part, of everyone who opposes universal health care, in a big old "FUCK YOU" from everyone who needs these meds and can't get them.

Sigh.

Anyhow here are the last of the top fives.

[livejournal.com profile] blossommorphine wanted to know:

top five favorite colors )

top five ways I pass the time )

top five foods I love to eat but know aren't good for me )

[livejournal.com profile] savorvrymoment asked for:
top five kinks I like to see in fanfic )

top five bands or artists )


I'm pretty much finished packing, and I'm going to take my first dose of the new med pretty soon. Mom brought me up to the mall for a haircut and by the time we got there they weren't taking any more walk-ins and we had to drive back and we hit every. fucking. red. light. between there and home, TWICE. And I did exactly what Lisa said I shouldn't do, and apologized and felt guilty over a bunch of things I couldn't control. Mom just shook her head and said "Remember the joke and the car accident? You've always been that way. I don't know what I did to make you like that." I was like three when that happened. What the hell does a three year old know about guilt? Except I took it on myself even that early.

I can't imagine how that would have been their fault. Then again, isn't everything our parents' fault? (at least according to my specializing-in-child-therapy counselor, it is... sounds like bullshit to me.)

Well. Not much to be done about it, right? Except identify the problem and try to stop when I recognize the behavior, which by the way doesn't really work, but okay.

what the hell, self, stop being such a Debbie Downer out of nowhere. I think I just need to eat something, I'm hungry.
speccygeekgrrl42: (can't find his towel :Scotty)
So I'm having my medication switched. That's awesome, having to adapt to something new on vacation. I'm tapering off the Lexapro and Lamictal and shifting onto Geodon. I have to look it up on CrazyMeds to see what'll be up with that. He wanted to put me on Symbiax or something, but one of the side effects is massive weight gain. Uh no, I've been looking pretty lately, I do not need to go back to being able to steal my dad's clothes. (awww, CrazyMeds has barely anything on Geodon! Anyone have personal experience they'd like to share?)

So yeah, that's what I'm doing over the next few days, we'll see how that goes. Right now I feel kind of nauseous (uh, large double-double coffee may not have been a great idea) so I'm going to lay down and read for a while.

What's the etiquette for staying over a week at someone's house? I'm bringing my own shampoo and body wash, but should I bring a towel? Also, dammit, my bathing suit is STILL at Laurel's house. :x

Guuuuyyyyyys. Do the meme for me.

Ask me my fannish Top Five [Whatevers]. Any top fives. Doesn't matter what, really! I will answer them all in a new post.

It doesn't even have to be fannish! Ask me about my top five pairs of socks, idec. Dooooo ittttt.

*flails*

Jul. 2nd, 2009 11:55 am
speccygeekgrrl42: (*happy dance!*)
Strange dreams in which Kirk was a kindergarten teacher and McCoy was a priest. WTF?

Sleeping pattern is back to the usual fucked up: fell asleep at 11, woke up at 1, fell asleep at 2, woke up at 4, fell asleep at 5, woke up at 9:30. Thinking strongly about double-dosing Lunesta tonight and seeing if I can sleep the whole night through, or if I'm doomed as long as I'm on Lamictal. It only took me this long to figure out which pill was making me insomniac because stopping taking my medication is a stupid idea, lol.

I have an appointment in 2 hours, and I'm hoping to at least start something by then. I've got the hand-painting fic partially figured out, and really the setup is the hard part, once I get into the swing of it I'm set.

Rachael might be coming to the mall with us today. As long as she's not with her friends she's more tolerable to be with... she really is funny when she's not being a brat. She just turned 16 a week and a half ago. Julia's turning 18 in four months. I feel so old, you guys, my baby sisters are growing up.

Oh, I got my financial aid award total yesterday in the mail... and it's about $1000 more than the cost of tuition. Not to mention the $2500 from the Salvation Army, I am SO paying all my billz especially the $300 I still owe for probation in Plattsburgh omg oops and giving my parents money for supporting my sad ass and maybe, just maybe I will get the iPhone I have been lusting for since it came out. :3

Heck, maybe I'll splurge and get pants that fit, now that I'm not a 38 waist any more. xD

Okay okay getting to writing now, I just had to flail a little bit! :D
speccygeekgrrl42: (BATTLE: Spock vs Kirk! GOI GO GO)
I took my sleeping pill at 1 and got back up at 2:15... before I try again, I found this with a quick search and I think I'm only one of many people I know taking Lamictal, so it's my duty to spread it:

If you have a Costco nearby, get your scrip filled there, because every other pharmacy jacks the price up, most of them by over 70%.

And if you're paying out of pocket because you don't have insurance, go sign up for Medicaid. I don't know about other states, but at least in New York, the full price of psychiatric care is covered, counseling and meds and all. (and if you make too much... have them cut your hours, it's a saving in the end, lol.)

okay, back to the bed, Dani vs. Sandman round 2, FIGHT
speccygeekgrrl42: (fuck fuck fuckfuckfuck)
So I only just realized that my skin problem might be the infamous Rash of Death, which can happen at any time for Lamictal users, and which I had forgotten about until a recent visit to crazymeds.org.

AWESOME.

If I'm behaving oddly in the near future, dear friends, please know that it is because I am now on two mood lifters and no mood stabilizer. While I do enjoy being manic, I'm not sure quite how silly I will get. Feel free to point it out if you think I'm being scary.

Still got three weeks on the waiting list at my sister's therapy place.


If this doesn't stop the rash, I am going to be quite displeased.

also I didn't get my writing done today... I did like four minutes out of my pledged ten. Miserable Fuckitude, I have failed you three days in... That's okay, I'm going to catch up tomorrow. I'm just uninspired and energy-sapped today. I ended up writing for an hour and a half and getting 1400 words of Matt/Mo angst-schmoop. Yeay.


Okay, wait! I refuse to end this post on such a down note. Here, have a link to the PDA of the Obama/Biden campaign trail. Leaders who actually like each other enough to hug? Bring 'em on. The White House needs hugs.
speccygeekgrrl42: (delicious hot beverages! : Sylar)
Ohmyfuck. Two hours of sleep at a time... I spent so much time not sleeping last night. D: I may have to bite the bullet and start popping the trazodone and suffer the nightmares just to get some solid rest. I'm hoping not, but. Ugh.

On the brighter side: eternal mug of hot chocolate! No, really, it's huge.



I love this mug. It's the best mug ever because it's huge and microwaveable and durable. And it has a frog prince on it!



Just caught Butcher drinking out of the sink. When I woke up, one of the cats had put a sparkly ball in their water bowl. My cats are dumb.



Camera flash and resizing hide many sins. Also giant bags under my eyes. SO TIRED.

Today I am going to watch those two episodes I didn't last night. Creepy kid in gas masks first, then community service, then Jack Harkness flirting with everyone in eyeshot. xD It'll keep me motivated to have that to come back to, I believe.

Tonight I am finally going to make that spaghetti pie for dessert, because that ricotta cheese in the fridge is nearing its death date. And a salad! Om nom nom. I always get a ton of veggies and not eat most of them, which is bad because hello, I eat enough junk.

On that note, does anyone have good recipes using baby spinach? Like, a lot of it? >>
speccygeekgrrl42: (a body at rest : Joe Trohman)
Back in March 06 when I was put on Lamictal for the first time, I had to work my dose up from 25mg a day, slowly, to 100mg a day. And I got side effects-- horrible headaches, rashes, too-vivid dreams.

I'm not complaining about the dreams now-- they've become much nicer than plane crashes, usually along the lines of hanging out with band members-- but I went cold from no Lamictal at all to 200mg a day and I just got the worst migraine today. Light sensitive, cold sensitive, sound sensitive, and aspirin didn't help. I spent all afternoon in my nice dark bedroom. Lost a whole day to this.

I haven't answered my phone for Derek in two days, which is kind of fucked up of me but I just... he keeps wanting to go out and I am not into bars, I don't mind his house (we can't exactly come here for making outs) but I like my own place! and, I don't know, I feel guilty for being happy or some shit.

rkdjg;ljflkdj. head still hurts, actually. Not cool.
speccygeekgrrl42: (pwn ;D : Veronica Mars)
I feel prettier with clean teeth :D

So my dad said that they had a choice about being moved, and the choice was Herkimer, which is frankly a mess of a corps. My parents got the reputation of fixer-uppers when they pulled the Plattsburgh corps out of the trash heap and did a bunch of amazing things with it (the refugees, the consistently in the black budget, actual usefulness opposed to what it was before), so now they're being given the option of fixing another wrecked place. My dad refused, so hopefully they'll listen and leave us alone.

He said he asked to go to Hyannis, MA. That... would be nice, actually. I miss Massachusetts, I miss the ocean and the temperate winters and the accent, and Hyannis isn't too big of a city, but close enough to Boston and to New Bedford and every other place I know. But the chance of getting what we want is slim to none, so it's not worth thinking too hard about.

He also told me to tell Dr. Clark-Rubin that Lexapro is the only medication that helped him and two of his brothers. So if this is genetic (which, huh, there's some indicators), then Lexapro is probably the best thing I could be on now, and maybe it shouldn't be on a temporary basis.

And apparently the nursery behind the mall is a very good place to go for orchids, so I'm going to check that out for my mom, hopefully soon.

God, my jaw hurts. x.x;

eta: So apparently Rachael wants to sleep downstairs where I've been? Which, you know, is stupid but whatever works for her. And Julia wants Rachael's room. So I'm getting Julia's room. @_@ Effectively, it means that OMG I HAVE PRIVACY AGAIN AAAH. (I could watch porn! If I had any porn. I can watch things with gay characters without anyone making disparaging comments behind me! I can masturbate again, glory hallelujah! Okay, sorry, tmi.)

I think I might have to get a wireless card for my computer, or else figure out how to run a cable up from the exact farthest room in the house. But either way, I am pleased.
speccygeekgrrl42: (I'm on drugs  D:  : Strangers With Candy)
So today I'm on three pills a day. 25mg Lamictal in the morning, 100mg at night, plus 5mg Lexapro at night. I started the Lexapro last night and the second dose of Lamictal today.

I can't say what's up to chance and what's because of the pills. I'm hiccuppy, that's a side effect of Lamictal. And I have a little but persistent headache that spikes every now and then. That could be both of them. I woke up at 8:30, was that the pills or the fact that I sleep on a chair and I was falling off it? Staying up feels strange, but I'm supposed to be waking up earlier now. Still tired, though.

Half an hour ago I was laughing wildly over a comment that wasn't even that funny. Now I'm... quiet. But kind of jumpy. Sounds from outside make me nervous.

Should I make a filter for these posts? Does anyone not really want to hear about this stuff, really? I'm kind of TMI-oblivious, so...

There are rolling fire drills going on. I can hear them. Two so far this morning. I don't know whether to wake up Amber and Kristin or not.

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Dani

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