speccygeekgrrl42: (Default)
I am dissociating like a motherfucker today and it's really starting to piss me off. Bastille is playing at the Palace in 45 minutes but I'm too much of a basket case to be in a crowded venue, I keep getting tears in my eyes without committing to actually crying, I am accomplishing nothing except making myself feel bad for being crazy and being angry that being crazy is keeping me from something I'd probably enjoy...

and here I am, sitting on the couch, in the same spot I always sit, with my computer on my lap like always, listening to the same music I've been listening to all summer, writing the same fic I've been throwing myself into all year.

what the fuck is my damage. why can't I just go do a normal thing and have fun instead of knowing I'd spend the whole concert crying in the dark.
speccygeekgrrl42: (dragons!)
Remember when I was like "I want to update on a monthly basis again"? hahaha yeah me neither

Anyways... hi, it's September and my entire life is writing MST3K fic and watching TV with Spencer.

The summer seemed to pass really quickly. We went to MA twice, once with Sadie and Colby for the Mountain Goats concert (the show was excellent, but everything surrounding the show was annoying, but Spencer and I spent the next day at my parents' house and that was really good) and once for Rachael's engagement party barbecue. Yes, my youngest sister is getting married. She asked me to be a bridesmaid.

McKenna from Wells is also getting married and also asked me to be a bridesmaid.

I'm trying to be good about bothering Spencer about wanting to marry him. I haven't even brought it up in weeks. We've been together 10 months this month, but July was the anniversary of us meeting, and I knew pretty much when we met that we'd end up together. I just.... gah, it's killing me that everyone I know who's getting engaged/married is younger (sometimes much younger) than me. I know that shouldn't matter, that I should be working on my own time, but... idk, I just want to make him mine.

(although I can't imagine myself with his last name yet and he won't take mine, lol)

I have written over 100K words of Mystery Science Theater 3000 fanfic in the past five months. My long cute plotty backstory fic about Kinga and Max has turned into a sprawling monster of a series that covers from Kinga's birth up to the current day and my endgame is OT3 family feels (because somehow the kinky threesome porn I wrote for Kinga/Max/Jonah is all the same story as the backstory stuff) and Kinga taking over the United States and fixing everything Trump fucked up. I'm also going way overboard with cute AUs, in the past week I've written: bakery AU, college AU, Doctor Who AU, library AU, museum AU, and in the week before that I wrote an 8K Mirrorverse AU where Jonah is a bioterrorist and Kinga is a CDC infectious disease specialist trying to cure his engineered plague.

Oh yeah, I set up a Mirrorverse fic challenge for the fandom and a few people participated! to the best of my knowledge it's the first MST3K challenge that's been run through AO3, although all the people are also on Tumblr/Discord... we set up an MST Discord server that I volunteered to admin and it's just been nonstop fan chatter there which makes me super happy.

I've been backing Lotolle on Patreon and she does one sketch for each backer each month so I've been spending all my freebies on MST fanart-- so far I've gotten Max with a kitten, Kinga as a spy, and Jonah in a suit. Plus I've been leveraging my weird quasi-sugar-daddy thing to get commissioned art, so I got a cute one of Max and Kinga on a couch, and a hotter one with Jonah and Kinga and Max in the shower (that's actually fanart for the story that made me realize that the OT3 series and the origin story series are the same series).

I'm also kind of sort of recording podfic again? at least I recorded someone else's MST fic and everyone seemed to like it. And I'm offering podfic and written fic for the Harvey charity auction but I'm lowkey terrified that no one will care and I'll look like an asshole who thinks her dumb fanwork is actually worth something when it isn't and... gah.

At work I've been co-opted into helping at circulation in the mornings because they're chronically understaffed and I'm terrifyingly efficient at processing bins so that usually takes up a couple hours when I get to work, but also we've had a shortage of actual stuff to do up in CMS so it's not like I'm being dragged away from anything important. And circ staff are SUPER grateful for the help so it's nice to feel needed. Katie is going on maternity leave, tomorrow is her last day of work this year. I gave her a fleece blanket and she loves how soft it is.

Oh yeah, CMS got kicked out of our office because the library wanted to give our space to a Headstart program, so we got moved to the boardroom, which is smaller but actually a lot nicer than our old space. It's... cozy, lol, and the wood paneled walls make it feel warmer than the half-assed unpainted walls in our old space. And now Jendy is in her own office which is REALLY nice being able to talk freely without her overhearing everything we say. My coworkers actually REQUESTED that I put my pops on the windowsills to liven the place up, lol. And now there are tiny people on the third floor and the poor IT department can hear the singing/screaming through the wall. Better them than me, lol.

Aside from that... Spencer and I finished watching Futurama, binged Bojack Horseman (which he refuses to continue watching with me), and we're currently almost through season 2 of Chuck and just started Stranger Things. He's also showing me the Spiderman cartoon from the 90s which is pretty decent. I'm REALLY enjoying rewatching Chuck and I'm excited to finally finish the series, and I'm glad that Spencer is enjoying it too. (I'm trying to avoid writing fanfic because I don't want to get knocked out of my MST groove.)

uh... things are going okay otherwise, I guess. I'm redecorating my living room in MST3K art. Oh, I got an MST3K tattoo for my birthday! It's one of Emily's silhouette tats, Joel's head with the bots inside, and I love it. I'm planning on getting it into a whole half sleeve when I can afford to, god only knows when that'll be. I think the next thing I add will be the Deep 13/Moon 13 badges, and then the SOL up on my shoulder. I figured I've loved it over half my life, it's a good thing to do a sleeve for. MST fans are so cool and friendly, this fandom is great.

and that's about it this time around.
speccygeekgrrl42: (sort life out)
I had a seizure last night.

Let me back up. The past couple weeks I've been on the decline. I could feel my mood slipping. Last week was fucking awful. I was in a pit and I couldn't see my way out of it. But wait... there's always my trusty friend dextromethorphan. DXM has always kicked me out of shitty mood swings before. I went back and forth on whether it was a good idea. On Thursday I went to a Rifftrax Live show, hoping it would perk me up, but it didn't do the trick. But I bought tussin caps before the show, and when I got home from work on Friday I took my customary 150mg dose. It hit me hard and lifted me right the fuck up. I was a giggly, perky klutz by the time Spencer got home.

The weekend was fucking phenomenal. I've never felt so good on drugs before. DXM always makes me happy, but being with Spencer made me even happier. He had Saturday off, so we were together from 9pm on Friday until 3:30 on Sunday afternoon. We fucked seven times in that time span. It was amazing. Saturday was my game night. Only McKenna came, and she asked me to be a bridesmaid! Rachael asked me to be her bridesmaid like three weeks ago. So now I'm going to be a bridesmaid twice. At least I know Rachael is paying for my dress, lol. Anyways... spent the whole weekend cuddling and canoodling with Spencer. Watched a lot of Futurama, finished watching MST3K season 11, he cooked me a fancy dinner on Friday night, we got sushi with Lizzi Saturday afternoon, and then he made me the best pancakes I've ever had on Sunday morning. Oh, and he bought me a bouquet of irises on our way home Friday afternoon.

So the tussin made its way out of my system by Sunday evening. I woke up on Monday feeling completely happier than I'd been the week before. Went to work, after work I went to the mall to swap a Pop with someone and to pick up the pizza blanket I'd commissioned from a local crocheter and hung out with my coworker's son at the mall. Spencer drove me home from the mall on his break and I waited until he got home because he was having a shitty day and I wanted to make it better. He always takes 30 minute showers after work, so I hopped into the shower with him... and that was the error.

I started feeling lightheaded as soon as I got in the shower and I should have gotten right out but I didn't. I realized I didn't feel good but insisted on actually washing myself because it had been a hot day and I'd been sweating. I managed to get my hair shampooed before the dizziness took me down and I sat on the tub floor in front of Spencer's feet. He was like "are you okay?" and I was like "yeah, I'm fine, just dizzy, give me a second." Stupidly and stubbornly, I stood back up and tried to soap myself up, but very quickly swayed back against Spencer and he had to hold me up. He asked me what was wrong and I said "I feel like I did right before my last seizure," and then proceeded to... have a seizure, of course. He held onto me while I lost control of my limbs and I shook a bit and then... idiotically tried to tell him I was fine and got out of the shower and almost lost control again, ended up huddled on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet still soaking with a towel around my shoulders... and then my idiot ass tried to tell him to finish his shower because I was fine. Luckily for me, he ISN'T an idiot. He managed to carry me back across the apartment and get me to the bed and made sure I was lying down and would stay lying down before he went to wash the conditioner out of his hair.

I know why I had the seizure. It's the same reason I had the last seizure, but forgot about. Robotussin doesn't mix well with one of my medications. The last time I took DXM was in 2010 and I stopped BECAUSE it gave me a seizure.

...and still, my dumb ass is wondering if I could safely take a smaller dose for the mood lifting without the seizure side effect. No safe way to test it, but I still wonder.

Anyways. The last time I updated was April. Lots of shit has happened since April.

Spencer moved in with me at the beginning of May. Claudia wanted to move across the river to cut her commute, which I totally understood. And Spencer was agreeable to moving in instead of paying rent for a place in Averill Park he was never at. He turned Claudia's room into his gaming room and I managed to make enough space in the bedroom for all his clothes (even though it's still mostly all my shit in here).

I'm SO HAPPY living with him. It's wonderful not having to wear clothes in my own apartment. He cooks for me and he doesn't care about being the one to do the smelly chores and I know I've woken up to him basically every night since we started dating but now he BELONGS here and it's just... so great.

I started collecting Funko Pops in an almost pathological way since April. There was a Pop swap at ThinkGeek in the mall and that introduced me to the tight-knit community of Funko collectors in this area. So I went from my out-of-box desk buddy army at work to having almost complete collections of Stranger Things and Rick and Morty (including the expensive rare Chase variants), most of the Guardians of the Galaxy, lots of movie Pops, all the Futurama pops except the SUPER rare and pricey ones... just going absolutely batshit with my collection. I have about $2000 worth of Pops now. I realize I am a madwoman, but I love collecting things, especially cute and nerdy things.

The new season of Mystery Science Theater 3000 dropped on Netflix in April. Spencer and I tried to watch it slowly to savor it, but as soon as I started watching I started writing fanfiction because the Mads are the daughter of Dr. Forrester and the son of TV's Frank and... Forrester and Frank were the origin of my very long-standing villain/henchman kink (the most recent previous example being Monarch/Mrs./21 from Venture Bros) but... yeah. Max is canonically in love with Kinga and she canonically doesn't give a fuck about him and I categorically could not resist shipping the almighty fuck out of them. SO I started writing a fairly plotty, very backstory heavy series about how they've known each other since childhood and how they got to the Moon and I thought I was going to try to guide it around to canon but... no... they're in love and I can't stop it now. But I was going overboard with the early parts posting them on AO3 and I got myself a fangirl! And then on the third story she was like "I've been in a really dark place lately and these stories are all that's cheering me up so thanks" and... you all know me. You know I can't ignore someone in pain. So I gave her my FB contact info and we started chatting and it turned out that she was going from NYC to Saratoga Springs for the weekend... so I met up with her at the bus station on her way home and smoked a bowl with her in the parking lot and she was really cute and cool! Her name is Alex and Spencer keeps teasing me about how she's going to steal me from him. We've been chatting pretty much constantly since then and we're going to a concert together at SPAC in August and I'm just really excited about it.

I've seriously been going balls to the wall with the MST3K stuff though. It's now my second most posted fandom on AO3 (only after Heroes, and I wrote a SHITTON of Heroes fic back in the day, most of which I never even reposted to AO3). I've gotten back into recording podfic but so far I've only recorded my own stories. Spencer is amused by my fangirling. I think I might have agreed to write him fanfiction? Like... porny Chrono Trigger threesome fic? Maybe he'll be happy if I finish the Futurama fic I've been ignoring since I picked up MST3K.

We went back to Vermont toward the end of May, spent the night at his dad's place in the mountains, then crossed the lake and spent another night at Kristin's tiny apartment in Renaissance Village (lmao, yes, on South Catherine St) after playing games with her and Sadie and Colby all night. Sadie and Colby came back in the morning and Spencer made us all pancakes and sausages with very limited resources because he's magical. And on the way home we got stuck in traffic and I was introduced to the joys of fooling around in the car, lol.

I'm just really, really happy with Spencer. We suit each other so ridiculously well. Our hobbies are different but complementary, our senses of humor are very compatible, we're SO well matched in bed, and he's very patient and good about dealing with me when I'm being silly or lacking common sense and I'm very good about dealing with him when he gets depressed or morose.

I want to marry him. I really do. I know I'm rushing things. We haven't even known each other a full year yet. (We met on July 29.) We've only been dating seven months. But this is the kind of relationship I'm willing to put the hard work into because I know he'll match my effort. I've never been in a really effort-matched relationship before, there's always been a huge imbalance in one direction or another before this, but I want to be the one to make him happy for the rest of our lives. He's wary about it because he was dumped after being engaged for seven years, but... I don't get how dumb his ex must have been. He's absolutely wonderful when he's being treated right, and I am very very determined to treat him right. Our seven month anniversary is the 23rd. We're going to Providence to see the Mountain Goats on the 28th and spending a little time in Massachusetts before coming home for the weekend. I'm off from the 28th to July 5th, so that will be a very good vacation.

In other news, the library union is FINALLY on the verge of signing a contract after a year and a half without one, and I'm anxious to get it signed so I can finally get a long-overdue raise. Hopefully that'll go through in the next couple of weeks.

But... I'm tired. I've been lightheaded all day after last night's seizure. And I think I'm going to go to bed early tonight. SO that's enough for now.
speccygeekgrrl42: (and now the weather : Night Vale)
The weekend did not go as I expected it to.

The PCO did. I was allotted 150 minutes; I finished the test in 25 and took another 20 to completely review every question (but only changed one due to this deliberation). First one out of the room, as I always am for testing. I was out by 10:30, and Spencer and I hit the road to Boston around 11ish, making it to Boston around 3:30 after some traffic on the way. The hotel we stayed at was fancier than my usual, which apparently translates to "no pool and no free breakfast"... this is better? Okay. It was still nice, but the bed at the "less good" place in Burlington was more comfy. And it cost $15 to park in hotel parking! What a racket.

We took the T into Boston, which was super easy. We caught the Red Line two blocks from the hotel and it took us right to Boston Common, where we caught Machops and got slices at Sal's Pizza (Spencer approved greatly, as I hoped he would) and stopped into the theater to say hi to Sarah and Jessica, then took the Green Line from the Common to Fenway to get to the House of Blues.

I was supposed to go to the concert with Julia, but she couldn't make it to Boston. We offered to come pick her up, but she said no. So she transferred me the tickets and I went with Spencer instead. It's the first time we've gone to a concert together and we had a good time! I felt kind of sick from alcohol (just one cider, jeez) and tiredness and too many people, so I stood for Night Riots but spent Atlas Genius's whole set sitting on the floor of the mezzanine with my back against the wall. One of the staff saw me stand up when Andrew McMahon came on and offered to let us downstairs for a better view, which we gratefully accepted, and the view was much better from the first floor. Andrew McMahon always puts on a great show, and I have to say I really enjoyed Atlas Genius even though I was on the floor. Night Riots were okay, not phenomenal. But it was a good concert.

After the show we Ubered back to the hotel (15 minutes vs the 45 it would have taken to get the T back) and ended up staying awake until 2:30am getting frisky and then just too awake to sleep after that. I woke up around 5:30 and got to catch a pretty sunrise over the harbor, but I couldn't really get back to sleep after that. We left the hotel around 10-ish, spent too much time trying and failing to find a place to get breakfast, and ended up just stopping at the Framingham Plaza and getting McDonald's and waiting for Sarah and Jessica to meet us for lunch. (I had to get something to eat while we were waiting because the last real food I'd had was the pizza slice around 5pm and we didn't meet them until 12pm.) We got Chinese buffet with them and then hit the road home.

We made it to Albany around 3-ish and went back out to hit the local Pokemon nests because it was absolutely gorgeous out. We drove up to Troy, did not find Machop at RPI, did find a couple of Kabuto in Frear Park, drove back to Albany, found a ton of Machop at Corning Preserve, and a ton of Charmander at Washington Park. Corning Preserve is actually really pretty, right along the Hudson, so I think we're going to have to make that a regular walking stop because it's always a productive nest.

We also got Ben and Jerry's. Spencer is a total ice cream elitist because he's from Vermont, but I'm never going to complain about getting Ben and Jerry's. (It's a little funny because the very first time we met, we walked Washington Park and then I got a scoop at Ben and Jerry's, not realizing that he couldn't afford it when he declined to get one.) There were also about a million doges in the park/in the scoop shop.

Despite my lack of sleep, I felt really good yesterday. I'd been feeling a little blah/down/dull recently, so the change in attitude was nice. I really hope that my mood is turning around. I could really use the seasonal hypomania about now. I feel like I have a lot that needs to get done and I had no motivation to do any of it for the past few weeks. I want to do better. I'd like to really clean the apartment by the end of the month before Spencer gets all moved in. I know it doesn't really matter, that he'll not care if I vacuum or clean the kitchen cabinets, but I want to get the spring cleaning done. The only room I got done before I lost motivation was the bathroom. I'd like to get the kitchen done, at least. My bedroom isn't too terrible, the back room is going to be partially emptied when Claudia leaves, the living room is not too bad. The kitchen is really the worst. Especially the fridge. Oh, the fridge is REALLY bad.

I also have little things I've been putting off that need to be done. I have mail to send to Ivan, Alicia, I said I'd send something to an Amanda Palmer fan in the UK, I have a Reddit Exchange I'm late on sending (it has to be cat-themed, I was going to make jewelry but I only have two little copper cat charms... also one of my amazing fleece cat toys)... I feel like I'm forgetting something, too. I wanted to get rid of some clothes, which I guess I can do at the same time as I pack the winter stuff away, maybe I can do that this weekend. Just figure out what I didn't wear all winter and be rid of it.

Plus there's the habitual stuff I tried to cement and failed at making stick that maybe I'll have more luck with when the sun is rising closer to the time I'm trying to make myself wake up. It was too easy to just go back to sleep when sunrise was 7am. It should be easier to get out of bed when sunrise is at 6am or earlier. I really do want to be more productive in the mornings. I did well with it for like... three or four weeks and then I started failing hard. I feel more motivated now though. And my mornings are like the only time I have alone, since all my evenings I spend with Spencer, plus all of the weekend time he isn't at work. He doesn't demand my attention, we just have been watching a lot of TV together so I haven't been making time to get my solo stuff done. So... if I can make my mornings time I can use, I can get more done. I need to keep doing yoga, maybe not every morning, but maybe I can find a short video I can do every day instead of various 20-25 minute ones whenever I remember to. I need to keep making time to read. It would be nice to make time to write again. I wanted to write poems for National Poetry Month but it's the 10th and I've written 2.

Yeah, I'm writing poetry again. I'm so far just writing the same dumb lovestruck stuff I've always written, but I'm trying to branch out into.... you know, things that aren't just my boyfriend. So far just free verse. I need to ease myself back into formal poetry. I've been sort of idly on-and-off doodling with fanfic again, I finished a couple of Venture Bros stories, I'm half-assedly working on a Futurama fic, I got reminded that I wrote 2 of 4 chapters of an Archer fic that actually got a decent number of kudos that I could go back and finish... deliberately not thinking about the novel right now, but I'm aware that needs to be returned to and completed. Summers are usually not good writing time for me, so I'll see what I can do in the spring, I guess.

I don't know, I feel good and I hope the good feeling lasts.

I have a Welcome to Night Vale show tonight (that I still owe Lisa money for the ticket, yikes), a dental appointment and a therapy appointment tomorrow, and that's all that's on my calendar for this week. The weather is supposed to be nice except for Wednesday, so I'm aiming to make my 6000 step goal on the sunny days. I made almost 10,000 yesterday, that was cool.

So... here's to spring, and feeling better, and getting shit done.
speccygeekgrrl42: (sort life out)
Trying to get back in the habit of posting more regularly, so here goes.

My family came at the beginning of March. It was really good to get to see Dennis for the first time since 2013. Both parents, all siblings, and Rachael's boyfriend Bucky came. My parents brought us out for dinner while they were here, hibachi on Saturday and Indian on Sunday. I didn't spend an overwhelming amount of time with the family as a whole, but my mom and I saw our traditional mommy-daughter movie on Saturday morning-- we saw The Shack, because she wanted to see it and the only other thing I wanted to see was Logan and I didn't know how well she'd like a blood soaked mutant murderfest (although it turns out she liked it because she saw it with Julia after they went back to MA). The Shack was a pretty good adaptation of a pretty mediocre book. Then we drove all over Rensselaer trying to find coffee milkshakes at Stewarts, the one in Defreestville had no coffee ice cream so we had to go to the one by the train station. On Sunday we got family photos done, and my mom insisted on Spencer being in some of the photos, so the two of us nerded it up with our Pokemon trainer jackets and our crocheted Dratinis that Alicia made for us.

A couple weekends later, Spencer brought me to Vermont to meet his dad. My landlord was redoing my bathroom and needed us out for the weekend, so we headed north... and I had a great time. His dad is an old Vermont hippie who grows his own. I got to see the house Spencer grew up in, the bedroom he shared with his twin brother, the AMAZING views of the Green Mountains from his backyard and front yard, and he took me to meet his next-door neighbors who seemed pretty chill and friendly... except I got into a VERY passionate discussion with Maxine about why 50 Shades is garbage and how there's better porn on the internet and how I'm writing an erotica novel that handles BDSM in a much more positive and healthy way... which she asked to read, lmao. While we were in Vermont, we went to the Ben and Jerry's factory (yum!), several great restaurants (one of which had the fish and chips I'd been craving for weeks at that point), we walked Church Street (and the pathetic Church St Mall which is currently in the process of shutting down for massive construction to make it 7 stories, including apartment space), and on our way back to Albany we stopped at the Vermont Teddy Bear Factory (but didn't have time for the tour) and Dakin Farms, which oh my god I've never tasted such delicious sausages holy crap we need to stop there literally every time we pass it, which will be every time we go from VT to Albany.

Around the beginning of March, Claudia let me know that she's planning on moving out by the beginning of May, so Spencer is officially moving in with me by the end of April. We're just waiting for Claudia to get her stuff out to move the (not many) things he has into her old room. He doesn't even have a bed so it's not like we'll need to find a truck to move things, everything he owns will fit in the car over a few loads. We talked to Megan about loosening the no-pet restriction, but she and Ernie are both allergic to cats so they won't let us get a cat (booooo). I don't really want a small pet because I'm sick of tiny things dying quickly, I hate rabbits and guinea pigs and ferrets smell really bad, Spencer hates dogs because he got badly bitten by a collie when he was a kid, so... I don't really know what's left after that. I don't want a bird and I don't care for reptiles, and fish are a lot of work and little return. That's about it.

My morning headaches/dizzy spells have been getting more frequent, and this week I had a dizzy spell that lasted the entire day, which was scary. Usually they go away by the afternoon, but this one just didn't end until I woke up the next day. I'm blowing through my sick time as soon as I accumulate it, and my vacation time is shot because of the two days I had to take off this week. Jendy keeps telling me that I have to save my time and I'm like "hey, I'd love to not be sick this often..." Unfortunately, I'm a little leery of going to the doctor after my last checkup resulted in bloodwork and a mammogram that blew through my entire $1500 deductible in literally one week's worth of appointments. If I had known the mammogram would be that expensive, I would have refused it and just had the ultrasound she ordered to start with, since the mammogram was useless and just told me I have "dense breast tissue" (so... I'm a young woman, basically). I'm pretty annoyed/pissed about how expensive all these tests were to tell me that there's nothing wrong with me when there's clearly something else wrong with me.

Spencer and I have been watching through all the Marvel movies in order to get him ready to see Guardians of the Galaxy 2. We just watched Age of Ultron last night, so we're getting very close to current, and I think I saw Doctor Strange with him (I honestly don't remember if it was him or Greg or Stephen) but I'm willing to re-watch it anyways. We've also been watching through Futurama, and just reached the Comedy Central seasons, and I binged seasons 6 and 7 of Archer so I can watch season 8 as it airs because that just started this week. Superheroes and cartoons is all I've watched this year, lol. I'm pretty okay with that.

I dragged him to see Beauty and the Beast on opening night and I thought it was amazing. Emma Watson did a great job and it was both a faithful adaptation and fixed many of the problems of the original. Quite pleased with it.

I'm trying really hard not to pay too much attention to the complete clusterfuck that is the world at large right now. Trump bombed Syria last night. I'm afraid today will go down in history as the start of WWIII. I'm trying to keep my focus small: me, my loved ones, Albany. Tomorrow I have a major state exam to get my foot in the door for much better paying jobs than I can get at the library, although they're all going to be higher stress than my library job, too. I don't know what the price of my sanity is. Is it $20,000? Cause that's the difference between what I make now and the lowest paid jobs the exam lists for. Plus state workers get super cushy benefits. I could go back to getting therapy monthly or even biweekly. I could pay off my credit cards. I could afford to buy Spencer a gaming rig so he could start streaming. I've been taking the practice tests and acing them all, so I'm not worried about doing well. I have a couple more to go through tonight, and then tomorrow morning is the test, and tomorrow afternoon Spencer and I are driving to Boston so I can see Andrew McMahon and Atlas Genius and Night Riots with Julia at the House of Blues, and then on Sunday hopefully we'll meet up with Sarah and Jessica to do something or at least have a mutually satisfying "holy shit what the fuck" commiseration session.

It doesn't feel like spring yet. I have no drive to accomplish anything. I need the seasonal hypomania to get here.
speccygeekgrrl42: (two of swords)
I feel like I need to make some sort of explanation of my change in relationship status, given how much it's changed over the past few updates. So here's my personal narrative about what went on.

I'd been doing the celibate/single thing for a couple of years with a few blips in the radar that I mostly regretted after the fact, and I thought I'd be okay with maintaining that state indefinitely, but I was still on OKCupid to make friends with people, which led to a lot of coffee meetups, most of which never led to a second meeting. When Pokemon Go dropped in July, I added that I liked to play to my OKC profile, and that resulted in Spencer messaging me-- which honestly is the only way we would have intersected, given our wildly differing hobbies. I wouldn't have met him without Pokemon Go. But we met up specifically to play, usually in Washington Park or around the Plaza, a few times over the summer, and I invited him to my game nights when I started doing those and he came to every one he was invited to. We went on a few things I insisted weren't dates but were basically dates, to the Altamont Fair and to see Sausage Party at the mall, and he came over to watch a movie, and I just got myself really nervous for no reason at all because he never once did anything that made me feel pressured or unhappy. I just remembered too well how quickly I stopped having fun with most of the guys I'd been with after we started sleeping together, and I didn't want that to happen again.

And then I met Greg for another one of my random OKC coffee meetups, and it was just... like the most magical first date I'd ever been on. I was completely swept off my feet, and it's very hard for me to see people's flaws when I'm head over heels for them. There were signs right from the start that we weren't well matched, I just didn't recognize them for what they were. But I needed something magical and overwhelming to break through my resistance to getting in another romantic relationship. I should have known it wouldn't work when he DRAMATICALLY overreacted to Catey telling him not to hurt me or she'd hurt him. Like... that's standard friend-to-new-boyfriend joking around, but he acted like she'd actually attacked him and I had to spend like an hour and a half talking him down from his offended state. He was just so emotionally sheltered and reserved, he never connected with any of my friends, he was frankly an elitist and thought he was better than them, which... that shit doesn't fly with me. At all. And we were HIGHLY sexually incompatible. I could tell he wasn't getting what he wanted, even though I tried to give it to him, and because I could tell he wasn't into it I wouldn't initiate, and then he'd call out my not initiating as a problem... like, yeah, no kidding I'm not going to initiate when you are obviously bored because I can't play out your highly verbal fantasies while doing the very specific things you need to get off that aren't inherently interesting to me at all... it was just bad.

Anyways, I've already chronicled the end of that relationship. We lasted two months and two days. It was brief and emotional and it was exactly what I needed to both get me back into relationship mode so I could be the best version of myself-as-girlfriend for Spencer, who I knew I wanted to be with even when we were just casually hanging out. I needed Greg to get myself out of single mode, but there was no way we would have ever worked out long-term. I just needed that kick back into pairing mode (lol) to be able to make the connection with the person who actually was good for me.

I just... have a habit of collecting sad and lonely boys. It's like the OKC version of being a cat lady feeding strays. A bad habit to be in, leading to far more flops than successes, but when I say that Spencer was one of those sad and lonely boys but I could see that he deserved to be treated better than he'd been to that point, that comes from being something of a connoisseur of that type of guy. I'd met guys that sad and lonely who obviously deserved to be sad and lonely, and I'd met guys like that who didn't deserve it but also didn't click with me, and then... there's Spencer. Who, on paper, is very similar to a lot of my exes (plays video games, most of the way to a college degree but with no way to finish it, bleak sense of humor, smokes weed), but stood out to me because he *never* did anything that made me feel at all uncomfortable, he was okay with my insistence on doing things just as friends and never pressured me to make it anything but platonic. He's never said anything racist or sexist or even laughed at racist jokes other people told with both of us in the room. He's not ~hyper liberal~ or anything but our political viewpoints are pretty closely aligned.

We just suit each other very, very well. He's seamlessly integrated into my life. He already knew and liked most of my friends from game nights, and everyone who met him approved of him. I feel like I've been making positive changes in my life that I wouldn't have made without him, not because he's pushing me to do it (Greg was CONSTANTLY pushing me to push myself and it was fucking stressful), but because it's easy to take advantage of something that could have been a problem (him having to wake up VERY early every day) and turn it into a benefit (3 hours of usable time in the mornings, making me super productive before I even get to work). He has a dark sense of humor but... come on, look at the world, how can any reasonable person not have a dark sense of humor now? And he just gets so adorably enthusiastic any time I ask him about his favorite games and he's so happy to play them for me and explain what's cool about them and... I just know how good it feels to have someone express honest interest in your favorite things. He's very supportive of my hobbies, and we're mingling interests a bit (right now, showing each other our favorite TV shows and movies, I'm bringing him to a concert this summer) and it's nice being exposed to nerdy stuff I didn't know about already.

So. Greg was necessary. I understand why he came into my life. I needed him for a very specific reason. But I do not miss him. I am a million times happier with Spencer. I deserve someone who treats me this well and loves me this much and fits into my life this perfectly. I deserve someone who improves me without stressing me out about how I need to improve myself. And I damn well deserve someone who will cook me dinner and give me backrubs and get tattoos with me and always pick me up from work.
speccygeekgrrl42: (fingers drumming : Jane Lane)
So. I could have sworn I made a post in January but apparently I did not. Which is crazy to me but I guess I am going crazy. Anyways... things have been going astonishingly well since my last post. I'm crazy happy with Spencer and it's just... really nice to be in a relationship with someone I'm not just mentally but also sexually compatible with (and how!). I didn't realize how much I was stressed out by my incompatibility with Greg until I was shown by example how much easier it is to be with someone I actually do suit well.

December was kind of weird, as I started trying to shift my sleep schedule to match up with Spencer's. He works the breakfast shift in a hotel restaurant so he wakes up at 4am on weekdays, and I've been trying with varying success to make myself get out of bed when he leaves the apartment at 5am. On the days I can successfully accomplish this, I get a LOT of shit done in the mornings-- getting up at 5 gives me time to do yoga to a video on YouTube, read for half an hour, write for half an hour, clean for half an hour, have a leisurely cup of coffee, shower, and do my makeup before work. However, at the same time I was trying to make this adjustment, I was also trying to wean myself down to a lower dose of Ambien, which I could only do because I'm smoking weed regularly again. I can manage to sleep easily with 5mg if I smoke too, and wake up in the morning not feeling groggy as long as we go to bed before 9:30. Easier said than done, though.

Speaking of morning routines... I have been intrigued by the concept of "bulletproof coffee" since I heard about it I don't even know how long ago. ThinkGeek had a sale on a box of packets of essentially that, and I decided to give it a shot. Turns out it's actually pretty excellent! It's basically mixing grass-fed butter, coconut oil, and a couple other things depending on the mix (strictly, bulletproof coffee contains MCT oil, but that shit's expensive, and the packets I bought included organic egg yolk and vanilla) into your coffee in the morning and blending it so it's frothy. I bought a hand frother and a jar of ghee/coconut oil to do it myself, and it's been working pretty well! It gives me a steady amount of energy with no mid-morning crash. (It also cured a mild constipation problem which hasn't recurred since I started doing it, lol.) I've been mixing it into the Death Wish limited edition pumpkin flavor (which I found on sale at Price Chopper last week and grabbed two bags of it for less than I paid for one bag from the website, lol), which I had to get a coffee grinder for because it's only whole beans. But it's pretty good with the butter/oil in, especially if I add a drop of vanilla.

I went to see my parents for Christmas and I thought I would be away from Spencer for an entire week, which would have been the longest we'd been apart since we started dating. Turns out we were only apart for three and a half days, because I had a sort of miserable Christmas and he drove down to see me and immediately turned my vacation around. I had a lot of fun showing him around New Bedford. I brought him to Horta's for the chowder and No Problemo for tacos, both of which he said were the best he'd ever had. We Poke-walked downtown New Bedford and Fort Taber. (Before he got there, my mom brought me Poke-hunting at Fort Phoenix and Fort Taber too... my mom is very supportive of my Pokemon habit.) We stayed in bed all day one rainy day watching Venture Bros and petting Oreo. It was very, very nice. We stopped in Boston on December 30 to hang out with Jessica and Sarah, and then had to head back to Albany early on the 31st because I hosted a game night for New Year's Eve which was actually really successful and fun!

Speaking of Jessica and Sarah.... I've been LJ friends with Jessica for a little over a decade at this point, I think, but last summer was the first time we actually met in person as they were moving from Iowa to Boston. But I am SO GLAD that they moved close enough to see and hang out with on a regular basis now! They're so cool and I have fun with them and it's just really good to become closer friends with awesome people. We've been to concerts and comedy shows together, they've visited me in Albany and I've visited them in Ashland, their pets have (mostly) accepted me (Ben is my cuddle buddy when I sleep over, but Augie still barks every time I show up, haha), I'm just really happy to have them close!

January was pretty good. For my jewelry class we made solar system necklaces, and after using that as a prototype I perfected the design and produced a few better ones to sell. I still have supplies for a few more, I just need to pick up more black goldstone. A Series of Unfortunate Events came out on Netflix, so I re-read the whole series (starting off 52 books in a year with 13 in the first month ain't half bad). Spencer and I both got Pokemon tattoos-- he got a Kabutops on his shoulder and I got an Espeon on my arm. Unfortunately, I seem to be having a reaction to the pink ink. I'm taking antihistamines and keeping an eye on it and praying I don't have to get it laser removed because my skin doesn't like the ink. (I also have to shelve a few tattoo ideas-- can't get a fox or a sunset if I can't handle red ink.) We went to Januarymas on Pie Weekend and I tasted almost every pie-- including a salmon pie which a) I didn't know that was a thing and b) I need to eat it again. I pulled a muscle in my back at the end of the month but Spencer has magic hands and between his massages and a hot pack it stopped hurting in a couple of days.

I tried a few things to help me get my life in order, including Habit Calendar (basically just a bullet journal layout for each month, but it's been useful), Tiny Habits (which was good when I could remember to make myself do it-- basically you have to anchor each new habit to something you already do routinely, then celebrate after you do it every time, and it'll establish the habit pretty quickly. my problem is I'm lazy and I forget the positive reinforcement), and the Dreambook (which I still haven't finished the intensive and thought-provoking first section of, but I've been printing out the weekly schedule pages to keep myself on track at least that far). I've been making small adjustments to my schedule to try and maximize my morning time, which is great when it works and awful when I don't make myself get out of bed promptly, or when Spencer doesn't have work so I stay in bed all morning instead of doing things by myself. I got a Fitbit, so I'm trying to increase my daily step count and my daily water intake-- both of which will be easier to maintain when the weather gets warmer, but are difficult/tedious in the cold.

February I got some adulting done-- I saw a doctor, who sent me to get a mammogram and ultrasounds because she felt something in my armpit lymph node, so I worried about that until I got the tests done and was told that there's nothing wrong with me, and I also saw a dentist, which... I made the mistake of going to Aspen Dental, which I found out later I shouldn't have done, but I have to go back for a cleaning and to have some cavities on my molars filled (from grinding my teeth, from stress, because of politics) and that was supposed to happen in February but the day of my appointment was snowed out so they rescheduled for over a month later (it's March 14, which is just part one of a two part cleaning procedure, gross), and that's just a pain in the ass.

I also resumed writing fanfiction, because season six of Venture Bros was fucking golden and I've always shipped Monarch/Dr. Mrs./21 and they practically poured the ship into my lap with that season. So good. It's been really hard to write anything since the election, but fanfiction is good because it's short and relatively easy compared to the shit I've been writing since 2015 and I actually get feedback on it, unlike the novel.

Speaking of the novel... I've shelved it for now. I was on a very draconian media diet while I was writing it, which was unnecessarily punitive on myself, and after November when I couldn't write anything I realized it would be much better on me to deliberately put it down for a few months and come back to it when I wasn't sick of it, than to keep working on it and cursing myself for how little progress was being made. I'm not sure when I'll come back to it. Maybe over the summer. Definitely not before the summer.

February also included two concerts. I saw PWR BTTM in Providence with Jessica and Sarah, which was a great high-energy queer glitter punk fest, just as I expected it would be. After the concert we found this Mexican restaurant which was playing deafeningly loud karaoke music at midnight and there were toddlers there and it was just very confusing, but the food was good. And then not even a week later I saw Young the Giant in Albany with Julia, which was also excellent and I enjoyed it despite being too tired/dizzy to stand for the whole thing and consequently not being able to see half the time.

February ALSO included eating sushi seven times and bringing four people at different times because this little place out in Guilderland was doing 50% off sushi from February 1-14 and even after the sale was over we kept going back because it's seriously the best sushi I've ever had. We're regulars now, it's really funny, I've never been a regular at a sushi restaurant before. And I like it because it adds something moderately healthy to our rotating dinner cycle of pizza-tacos-whatever I can get Spencer to make for me. Not that I'm complaining about my diet these days, he's an EXCELLENT cook, but we don't agree about most pizza toppings (he likes plain pepperoni, I like vegetables and pineapple and mashed potato pizza and he doesn't like any of those, but we can compromise on buffalo chicken pizza).

And... today is March 1st. My family is coming to Albany to visit this weekend, including Dennis, who flew east from Montana yesterday. I'm happy to have them here but also a little nervous about being able to give them enough interesting things to do while they're here. The weather's been warm the past few days (75 in February was pleasant but WORRYING) but it's supposed to be cold again this weekend. My mom wants to get family photos taken-- and she specifically requested that Spencer come with us for them. I mean, he makes enough jokes about being my husband/housewife, even though we've only been dating for three months. He practically lives with me already, we spend every night together, I've been moving my shit around to make room for him in my bedroom, it's pretty serious. And I like it being serious. I like having someone to come home to. I like spending time with him. I like that he always makes me happier, whether I start sad or start happy, I always feel much better with him around. I like goofing around with him and playing Pokemon with him and watching him play video games for me (he played through Chrono Trigger, which was beautiful) and sharing TV shows with each other (once we finished Venture Bros we started Futurama, plus he wants me to get him up to speed on Marvel movies before Guardians of the Galaxy comes out) and grocery shopping with him and all the dumb domestic stuff that I like doing so much. I really love him a lot and I know he's crazy about me and it's just... very, very good. It's nice dating someone who's 100% into me. Greg was not 100% into me. Greg was maybe 50% into me and I just thought he was better than that, but I was wrong. Spencer and I go really, really well together and I am super happy with him.

Oh, because it's March I'm starting my spring cleaning, but I'm being methodical about it this time. I'm attacking one room each weekend to thoroughly clean. I did the bathroom last weekend-- Drano'd the tub and sink, scrubbed both of them down really well, cleaned the toilet, swept the floor, aired out the bath mat, completely rearranged the cabinet so it's actually usable now, it looks a lot better in there. Next up is the kitchen, which I'm enlisting Spencer's help with, since he knows what he's doing in the kitchen and doesn't mind helping clean. I asked him to handle cleaning out the fridge because that's my least favorite. We have a lot more space in the kitchen now because Chris made a shelf for the microwave (totally opening up that counter) and a set of shelves for the corner by the bathroom with the perfect amount of space underneath for a box for the recycling. The hardest part of cleaning the kitchen will be going through the cabinets and getting all the expired stuff gone, and then figuring out a better organizational system for the stuff that stays. I've barely done any cooking or baking since I started dating Spencer, because he's so willing to cook for me, but I miss it and need to get back to doing it.

...so that's my past three months or so. I'm going to try to update a little more regularly this year, but I think I said that last year too.
speccygeekgrrl42: (backrubs are love : Kirk/Spock)
My life.

My weird, crazy, unpredictable, bizarre life.

First, a relationship update: Greg encouraged me for the entire length of our relationship to also date other people. Not just said it was okay but actively encouraged. Tuesday night I double checked with him that he really meant it. Wednesday I asked Spencer if he would mind dating me if I was still dating Greg, and Spencer said that he'd never considered poly at all before but he was willing to try it because he really likes me. Wednesday afternoon Spencer came home with me, I thought we would cuddle and play Pokemon Go, we actually fell into bed and made out for two and a half hours. Greg came home two hours earlier than I expected him to get out of the lab for the day and found us together. Wednesday night Greg and I had a conversation about where our relationship was going and when it ended I thought things were a little precarious but not doomed. Thursday was Thanksgiving, I spent the early afternoon with my coworker Chris's family and had a wonderful time. When I got home from the Havens home, Greg was waiting for me and we had another conversation. He said that we were not compatible in too many ways and I pushed him into saying whether he wanted to keep dating me or not... which he did not. So that kind of ruined my day, being dumped on Thanksgiving, but I let Spencer know that he didn't have to worry about the poly thing any more because he was my only boyfriend now, and he came over and spent the night and made me feel much better.

Then I spent all day Friday with him, except when he had to work in the morning. Then we spent all day Saturday together except when he had to work. It is now Sunday, he is currently at work, and we have plans for the rest of the day together. I kind of sort of very strongly encouraged him to immediately start spending the night every night because he doesn't even have a bed at his apartment and he's much closer to where he works from here so we can spend a little more time together in the mornings. He has to be at work for 6am on weekdays, so I'm trying to adjust my schedule to fit his a little better. If I can turn 5:30-8am into productive time I'll be a fucking powerhouse.

Okay. Rewinding the tape slightly... how things went wrong with Greg. I liked how intellectual he was, but he was too cereberal. He had good conversations with my friends, but he always held himself apart from them. He never did my game nights, he didn't want to be integrated into my social life. And he motivates himself by being very harsh and hyper-critical of himself, and he couldn't stand that I didn't seem to have a method to motivate myself (which was unfair to say when I was spiraling into a bipolar depressive swing, but whatever, I was never going to be ambitious enough to make him happy). And we really were not sexually compatible. He told me that he was bored when we had sex and that it was a problem that I never initiated. No kidding I never initiated, I could tell that he was bored. I just wasn't kinky enough to satisfy him and he had very specific things he needed to do in order to get off which weren't interesting to me. So... he was right. We weren't compatible in too many ways. I asked him if he'd just been waiting for me to get another partner before he dumped me, and he said no, but I still think the timing was very suspicious.

Back to Spencer... so a week ago, the Saturday before Thanksgiving, Chris and Emily were coming from out of town to do a Friendsgiving here in Albany with me, but they weren't arriving until like 8 and Greg was in the lab all day long and Spencer and I hadn't seen each other in a while, and I found out that there was a nest of Kabuto in Saratoga for Pokemon Go, and Kabuto are Spencer's favorite Pokemon. So we took a trip up to Saratoga, got a little lost, found the place, smoked a bowl, found a spot we could stand and hit two Pokestops from, lured them both, and caught about 40 Pokemon in 30 minutes, including several Kabuto. It was really, really nice. Spencer is very sweet and nerdy and sad, and anyone who's known me for a while knows that I am incredibly weak for sad, sweet, nerdy boys. I wanted to touch him the whole time we were in the car... just put a hand on his knee or play with his hair or something. I had the same impulses when he would come for game nights at my house, and he's come to every one I've had since I met him. My October game night was the day after his birthday and I made him mint chocolate chip cupcakes, and that was the only thing he got this year. The whole time I've been friends with him, I've had a feeling that we were going to end up together... we went on a lot of 'friend dates' that I insisted was just friends because I wasn't entirely ready for a relationship again, and then Greg came out of nowhere and swept me off my feet. I sort of have a feeling that I needed Greg in order to get me back into relationship mode so I'd be ready to be a good girlfriend again, but Spencer was who I was meant to end up with, as far as the story of this bizarre year goes.

Anyways, Sunday was Friendsgiving, and Spencer was supposed to go up to Vermont to get some work done on his car but it snowed and he couldn't get out of the Albany area, so I invited him to Friendsgiving at my place. So it was me, Claudia, Chris, Emily, and Spencer. Emily did all the cooking, which was really wonderful of her, it was so nice not having to worry about any of it... I offered to help but my kitchen really is too small for two people to work at the same time. So we all ate and had a good time, and then Spencer and Emily and I went to take down one of the local Gyms in Pokemon Go that had been Level 10 Instinct for weeks and weeks. We could only take down one of the three, but it was nice in the car with them talking about the game and joking around. And then later that week I just couldn't stop thinking that I really wanted to be more to Spencer than just a friend, and that Greg had been saying all along that he wanted me to date whoever I wanted to date, so I asked Spencer out... and I'm really glad that I did, because Spencer and I are 10000% more compatible than Greg and I were. Greg was impressive on paper but we really didn't have any hobbies in common and his taste in media is weirdly specific and we just weren't good in bed together. Spencer and I don't have hobbies in common, but I understand his hobbies. He's a gamer. I've known gamers my whole life. He wants to speedrun video games. He also likes board games and plays Magic: the Gathering. I don't play video games or Magic, but I've spent pretty much literally my entire life around people who do one or both of those things. He hasn't read or seen Harry Potter, but he's willing to read it or watch it for my sake. He's a big Stephen King fan, which I am not, but I'm excited to watch the Dark Tower TV series with him so I'm going to have to read those books first. We're trading off exposing each other to media; I'm showing him Rick and Morty now, and he's going to show me something next, probably the Spiderman cartoon since that's his favorite. He was telling me yesterday about the plot of one of his favorite games and he was just so excited about it and made it sound so interesting... so I might make him play his favorite games for me and sit and absorb the storyline as he plays.

I know this came out of nowhere to most of my friends... I didn't make a big deal about my feelings for Spencer on FB when they were developing, and I made a very vague post when I asked him out. But I changed my relationship status from in a relationship with Greg to single on Thursday, and when I woke up on Friday I had a request to change it to in a relationship with Spencer. So all my FB friends probably think he's a rebound fling, but he isn't. I really, really care about Spencer a lot already and I'm glad that we were friends for several months before we started dating just so we had some time to get to know each other better. But we're so good together. He's really, really obliging. Like, I asked him if he would shave on Thursday, and on Friday night he did it, just shaved his entire full beard off and let me watch him do it, which was weirdly sexy. He's sexy. Like really. The way he bites his lip drives me crazy. He absolutely melts when I touch the back of his neck. He is so so easy to please and I love it. He has beautiful hair that I love to play with. He has really beautiful eyes, just a gorgeous blue-grey that he says look more grey in the winter and more blue in the summer. I can't keep my hands off him at all, and the back of his neck is like a fucking magnet, I just can't help putting a hand there all the time. He is CRAZY good in bed. He gave me the most perfect backrub last night. I felt so good when I went to sleep.

I just... I want to keep him. I want him to be mine. I want him to move in here with me (even though there's literally no room for another person in this apartment... I could get rid of some of my stuff and make room for him). I wish I made enough money to be his sugar mama, I want to spoil the fuck out of him. He's been treated so badly over his life and he just deserves to be treated so much better and I want to be the one who turns his life around like that. He works at a hotel restaurant and he hates it but he has student loans he has to pay off for a degree he didn't finish getting so his job prospects are not bright, he can't even apply for all of those "any bachelor's degree in any field" jobs that come up for the state/city. I want to give him everything he could possibly want. I want to make him so happy that he doesn't know how to cope with it. I want to make myself irreplaceable to him. He says that I'm already making him that happy.

This is probably the most possessive thing I've ever done, but... my tattoo shop was having a Black Friday sale so I currently have $275 credit there. I want to pay for him to get a tattoo. I want him to have a permanent mark that I am responsible for putting there. We could both get relatively small things done for that much. He said he wants a Kabutops but he wants to think about it more and make sure it's what he wants. I'm not in any rush, I need to figure out what I want first. I still want a Ravenclaw crest, but I don't know where. I want a dragon, but I don't know what dragon specifically. I want sleeves, but those will be a lot more expensive than that. Maybe some stars or a galaxy or nebula on the back of the wrist I have the Starfleet insignia on.

Okay. I have like... eight concerts I need to write up, but those will be a separate entry. My relationship status requires 2000 words to explain, but I needed to get it all written down.
speccygeekgrrl42: (in his ear : Sherlock and John)
I'm still stuck in that blissful new-relationship-energy state with Greg and I think we're one of those mushy overly touchy couples but I can't help wanting to touch him all the time and I am like a magnet for his hands and lips. I can't even believe how good things are with him. We're just... so ridiculously well suited to each other. I realized last night that I am in the kind of relationship I love to write about-- the kind where the lovers are supportive of each other and actively trying to make each other happy but also content, not just "I feel happy now" but fulfilled with their life and their personal growth and encouraging each other to meet their goals.

He caught me in the kitchen on Saturday night and whispered in my ear for a solid few minutes about how much he loves me and how happy I make him and how content he is to be committed to only me and how fulfilling our relationship is and all I could do was stand there and whimper happily because... oh my god. Being told that sort of thing by someone who feels that polyamory is a defining principle of their life is just... crazy. I made the point to him that under as much stress as he's under and given how many things he has to juggle now, splitting his romantic focus would seriously compromise the balance he's walking between school and research and personal life, and... I think I made a good point and I'm really really just delighted beyond words that he's taking it to heart.

He's so good at getting me to the beyond-words stage of delight. I feel wordless a lot of the time compared to him, he's so talkative and I think he's absolutely fascinating and charming and I just... have to mediate all of my words through text to make them as good as he manages just talking naturally, it feels like. And I wonder about how soon my shitty memory will start being a problem because as much as I would love to remember verbatim everything he's told me and everything of his writing that I've read, I forget a lot of things and I forget very quickly (worse when I'm high, like I was all weekend) and I just... don't want him to get frustrated with how non-comprehensive my memory is compared to his.

Oh, being high all weekend was because Kristin came to visit me! She and I and Amber and Jenice and Mandy and Mandy's friend Jenny all went to see Postmodern Jukebox at the Palace on Friday night and then Kristin stayed with me. We went to the mall on Saturday (and bought too many Pops) and came home and ordered Indian food and played Pandemic and watched a couple of episodes of Rick and Morty with Greg...and then Greg thoroughly took me apart in bed and oh my god how amazing is it to me to be in a relationship with someone who's this ideally sexually compatible with me? I feel like I've been mis-yoked in every relationship before, and I've finally been harnessed with someone who I can perfectly keep pace with. So thrilling.

Then on Sunday Greg went to go do his own housework and some homework and Kristin and I sat on the couch for eight hours smoking and snacking and marathoning Stranger Things in one fell swoop with only very brief bathroom breaks, and OH MY GOD that was amazing. Then we made dinner and sat around talking with Greg and Claudia and just having a low-key and wonderful conversational evening and ended up talking until almost 11. It was great.

I've been denying myself so much good media because of writing my novel, because I know what I do when I pick up fandoms, I want to get into the fanwork side of it, and I have a couple of fluffy little Stranger Things fix-it fics I want to write now. I feel slightly bad for polyshipping preteens, but I want to write so many sweet innocent cuddles with Mike and Eleven and Will in their secret hideouts. That show was ALMOST perfectly satisfying. Almost. But I can bring Eleven back in fic. And I will. Try to stop me. I'm going to write it and then I'm going to podfic it.

Yes. I'm getting back into podfic. I'm actually going to do it on Patreon because I want people to be able to commission me on a rolling basis if they really like my work. I bought a quality headset so no more shitty laptop microphone, the Patreon is taking form (I need to upload some examples of my previous work and I need to record a couple of new things and I need to figure out where I'll be uploading besides AO3 - definitely Youtube now, I need to learn how to make audio files into video files), there's still stuff that needs to be done before I can launch the Patreon properly, but I'm getting there. Greg encouraged me to pick it back up and Catey came up with the idea of doing it on Patreon and now I'm totally psyched about it... I just have to figure out how to make time for recording, and writing, and watching a couple episodes of Rick and Morty every night Greg spends over, and doing things with Greg, and spending time with other friends, and going to concerts, and holding regular game nights, and teaching jewelry classes, and traveling, and all the other things I like and need to do.

I can do it. If I can help Greg get his schedule in order, then I can manage to get my own schedule in order with his support. And he does support me, he loves my hobbies and wants me to have time to do all of them, he wants to go places with me and help me see my friends and just do stuff together, but we're both capable of doing our own thing when we're alone without feeling lonely or left out, too.

I'm just-- so crazy about him. He takes such good care of me. I love doing all the little domestic things with him, I love showing him things I love and being shown the things he loves, I love talking to him and learning more things about him and how interestingly his mind works, I want to meet the people who are important to him and I want him to meet my people... I want to take him home to meet my parents. I think he'd like my mom and dad. And I'm very eager to meet his mother, who is an old-school slash writer who used to write X-Files slash fic around the time I was getting into that and I think it would be so perfectly hilarious if I'd gotten hooked on slash in middle school because of something his mom wrote. She sounds super cool and she's eager to meet me too. And I want to meet his best friend Michael, who is also a writer and sounds like an excellent person.

We've decided that instead of boyfriend/girlfriend, we are "nesting partners" because he's starting to feel at home in my apartment and definitely feels at home in my bed and I just... think that's perfect. Because nesting is what I do. And I know I love someone when I want them in my nest. And I want him in my nest every night from now on. Which is going to make things a little awkward when Chris comes to visit, I think. I want the two of them to meet but I also don't want to have to send Greg back to his apartment at the end of the night. I'll figure something out.

Okay. I have SEVERAL concerts I need to write about, but I just wanted to write about this weekend while it's still fresh in my head. Back to work now.
speccygeekgrrl42: (and now the weather : Night Vale)
You know how sometimes something just totally unexpected will hit you out of nowhere and totally overwhelm you?

I met a guy.

Not just a guy. I met a guy whom I clicked with so immediately and so completely that it feels like I've already known him for ages. I haven't felt like this about anyone since Phillip. I clicked with him faster than I clicked with Phillip. It's... sort of terrifying but mostly brilliant. He's so smart and sweet and we love a lot of the same things and we haven't found anything we seriously disagree about yet (I know, I know, it hasn't been long, I know we will find something we don't agree about, but I also know that there is almost nothing we could disagree about so much that we can't come to terms with it), and he's just... amazing. I honestly am not entirely sure he is real. He just seems too perfect.

His name is Greg and I am crazy about him already.

I've been meeting a lot of people lately-- I met Spencer, I met a guy named Morehouse and saw Star Trek with him, I've been talking to a lot of people, but no one set me so immediately and comprehensively at ease. Everyone else I felt a little anxious to think about getting closer to. I felt no anxiety at all getting very, very close to Greg last night. We lost almost three and a half hours exploring each other yesterday and it felt like barely half that time. He brought me dinner! He cooked food specifically planning to bring it to me! You guys know how I feel about people cooking for me. He wants to cook WITH me. He wants to bring his magnetic poetry to live on my fridge. I am already thinking about *my* bed as *our* bed. He has spent exactly one night in it and I want him to spend many many many nights in it with me from now on.

He identifies as a Ravenclaw and a Stark. He said he will be the Lyanna to my Rhaegar. He is a PhD Neuroscience student and he is deeply interested in rationality and altruism and we have been having the most fascinating conversations. On our first date we went to see Princess Bride being shown in the park and we got there early and sat under a tree and kissed and talked and then cuddled during the movie and went to get dinner afterwards and walked across Albany to get to his car and it was just... the most absolutely perfect first date I've ever had. We have similar/comparable experiences with exes with poor mental health and we're both committed to supporting each other through whatever rough patches we might each go through. We want to keep each other on task for our goals; he's so understanding and supportive of my writing habit even if it turns me into a hermit in November.

He's REALLY fun to kiss. I've been criticized for my kissing style by a couple of people; Greg never criticized me, he likes how I kiss and I like how he kisses. I like how he touches me. He's really verbal and enthusiastic and effusive with his praise for me and I love it. And he likes how I touch him. He told me yesterday that no one's pleased him that well before and that's just... staggering for me to think about? How has no one focused that much on him before me? He's absolutely beautiful and wonderfully communicative and all I wanted to do was make him feel as good as I could possibly make him feel. And he's AMAZING at making me feel good. We're just really, really well suited to each other. I know I'm sexy but he makes me feel even more sexy than I already know I am.

And just sitting next to him on the couch while he did his homework and I messed around on Facebook was... so sweet and peaceful and wonderful. I love doing the simple everyday domestic things, and he just... I know it's only been one night yet. But he's fitting into my life so beautifully. I can't wait to go grocery shopping with him and come home and make dinner together knowing that we're both putting our love into the meal. He's pescatarian-vegan-lite and I can totally learn how to cook for that diet. I hope he'll like my minestrone soup. That's the best thing I can think of that I already know how to make that he can eat. I want to finally use my sushi making kit with him. I want to wake up next to him all the time. He woke me up so gently and wonderfully this morning even though I was still half-asleep when we left the house. He's a tea drinker so my ridiculous stash of loose tea is finally going to good use (although I'm miffed that my Adagio tea-steeper was broken by my roommate and not replaced...) and I will actually drink tea if I have someone to drink it with.

He's been looking for a very specific dynamic in a relationship which just happens to be my absolute forte in interpersonal interactions. I'm so completely delighted to be exactly what he's been looking for. I could not have designed someone more amazing if I sat down with a list and assembled him by bullet point. Literally I could not have come up with someone better because I actually wrote out a list of dealbreakers in 2014 and he completely satisfies every point on the list. I am amazed and... just, wow, what did I do to deserve him? How did I luck out enough to stumble across his profile on OKC and get up the bravery to send a message and insist that we should reschedule when our first meeting had to be delayed and... how? what? really??? I get this? I get to be this lucky? I deserve this?

He loves mythology and fairy tales. He loves metaphors. He loves my poetry. We came up with a metaphor and decided to write each other poems on that theme and I wrote him AN ENTIRE FUCKING SESTINA IN ONE SINGLE HOUR. I haven't written poetry in YEARS and I wrote an entire sestina in one sitting and it only took about 20 minutes to polish it and I'm giving it to him tonight. I wrote things in that poem yesterday afternoon that organically came up in our conversation last night.

He remembers EVERYTHING I have told him about myself. I feel like I am at a disadvantage because my memory is so shitty and he's remembered and used things I only incidentally mentioned. He's looked through every picture I have posted on FB because he wanted to know me and what I love. He is so comprehensive and curious and concerned and I just... thrive like a sprout under sunshine under that kind of attention.

He is polyamorous, and I know my past experiences with poly have left a bad taste in my mouth, but... I think this will work. I think what we already mean to each other and what we will mean to each other is unique and can't be challenged by anyone else because of how specifically we suit each other. I think I can be okay with sharing his attention. I know I can't be everything to him, I don't want to be everything to him, I want to be exactly what I am to him. I know, going into this, that monogamy is not a thing he is willing to do, and I am okay with that. I don't want to tie him down. I want to be a safe harbor for him, not a seawall barring him into the harbor. We have our own lives. I can be happy watching him sail away knowing that he will return. I want to be home for him. But he wants my bed to be our bed, so I think he's already associating me with home.

I just... am amazed. I am amazed. I am stunned, and pleased, and blissful. I am excited and thrilled and yearning to find out what will happen tonight and tomorrow and next week and for as long as we are in each others' orbits. The way my heart stuttered when he called me his girlfriend was just... yes. He tells me he loves me so easily and so often and I believe him wholeheartedly. I tell him I love him and I do mean it wholeheartedly.

I did not think I would find someone who suited me this well again in my life. I thought that when I lost Phillip that I'd lost my soulmate and I'd never feel that way again. I am so glad that I was wrong.
speccygeekgrrl42: (call me call me : Natasha)
So I met this guy named Spencer on OKC and we've been hunting Pokemon together for a couple of weeks, which has been nice and low pressure and fun. Yesterday we met up at Colonie Center to see Sausage Party, and today he came over to my apartment and we watched Pineapple Express. And... I don't know, I kind of want to kiss him. But I feel like I've forgotten how normal people make a move. He was literally sitting on my bed next to me for almost two hours and I didn't even cuddle up to him or anything. I want to but at the same time the thought of doing it makes me really anxious because... historically, it seems like I stop having fun with men pretty soon after sex enters the equation. And it was making me anxious before he got here. Once he got here it was fine, he doesn't actually do anything that makes me feel anxious or bad, it was just me psyching myself out before he arrived.

I don't know. We don't really have a ton in common aside from Pokemon. He's a video game speedrunner who's never read/watched Harry Potter and doesn't really listen to music aside from video game soundtracks. He works in the restaurant at a hotel so he always has to wake up super super early and can't hang out after like 8pm if he has work the next day. He seems sweet though. I enjoy his company.

I just think it's really funny that I had a character named Spencer that I sent to culinary school and then I met an actual chef named Spencer. The universe keeps giving weird little nods to the things I make up inside my head and it amuses me.

Anyways... idk what's going to happen with this guy. I guess I'll find out.
speccygeekgrrl42: (and now the weather : Night Vale)
All right. So. Most of the summer happened. I'm going to copy paste an email about my vacation and then write some more shit.

Vacation started on Saturday June 25th with a 3 hour drive from Albany to Canandaigua with the nerd children Sadie and Colby. We made it to Barb's house to find Emily and Chris already there and we spent the afternoon mostly playing Superfight. That was the last time I'll be at Barb's house; she's moving to Virginia at the end of the month. Around dinnertime we decided to go get food and get to the venue early, even though we had assigned seats and didn't need to be there super early. I'm glad we did, because it took like 45 minutes to get to the front of the merch table line, and I just barely squeaked into my seat before Andrew McMahon came on stage. So many people in the crowd were teenagers who weren't even born when I started listening to Weezer, I felt really old in that merch line. Andrew was great-- he's always great, I think he is just made out of sunshine-- and he played a brand new song, and if he has new music that means he's working on a new album and I am ALL ABOUT THAT. Panic! came on second, which shouldn't have surprised me because none of their previous setlists had an encore, but I didn't put that together before they took the stage. They were AWESOME, Brendon Urie did backflips twice, I had a sore throat by the end of their set from singing along. I always get a super thrill out of seeing people I've used as faces for my characters in person, and Brendon is the face of one of my main characters in the novel so that was just really exciting. Weezer came on last and despite the fact that I haven't been a super fan of theirs in like ten years I still knew most of the words to all of the songs. And I think Rivers Cuomo is a vampire because he doesn't look much different from how he did in 1997. But it was a REALLY GREAT SHOW and I had a fantastic time with Emily and Sadie and Colby (and Eric, who drove there with us but had lawn seats so he wasn't with us for the show).

On Sunday I wanted to spend more time at Barb's but Emily wanted to get going early so we took a brief dip in the hot tub and then set out for Ithaca via Penn Yan. Emily brought me to her mother's house but I'm... honestly not entirely sure why, because it's obvious that she doesn't enjoy being in her mother's presence. And then after we left she was like "play armchair psychologist, what's wrong with her?" and I was like "....she wasn't talking to me, she was talking to you, I really can't say what's going on with her." We stopped at Seneca Farms for lunch, where I had the best fried chicken I've ever had, and tried corn fritters for the first time (they were very tasty). She drove me through her hometown and pointed out places, and then we headed to Ithaca and spent the rest of the day relaxing at her apartment after a Wegmans run. We watched the final episode of this season of Game of Thrones together before bed.

Monday we went to the mall in the morning and the Commons for the afternoon, spent a couple hours in the Tompkins County Library (which does not require proof of residence to get a library card!!! I have one now.), then met up with Josh Brutscher's mom, Crystal, to have dinner at Taste of Thai. I spent a lot of money on the Commons, like I always do, but I got some pretty dresses and some fancy chocolates and a couple of books. After dinner Emily took me to her local game shop, the Enchanted Badger, and I bought a few games.

On Tuesday we went hiking! We went to two different state parks to go look at waterfalls. The first one was super easy, but the falls were very thin because Ithaca hasn't gotten any rain in about a month. The second one was BRUTAL. We went for the trail that said "steep", not realizing that "steep" meant "1/2 mile of stairs straight up". We didn't make it to the top, we came to a stopping place by a pool and had our picnic lunch of caprese salad and lemonade, then went back down. We spent the rest of the afternoon recovering; I took a nap (or laid down and closed my eyes, anyways) and wrote for a little while while Emily watched her video podcasts and did crosstitching.

On Wednesday we went to visit Perri and spent a few hours hanging out with her and her cat. It was very low-key and nice, we played Exploding Kittens and did spa face masks and nibbled on cheese and crackers and had ice cream. After that we came back to Emily's and she made ribs for dinner, and I packed all my stuff up to be ready to go in the morning, and then we cuddled on the couch for a little while.

Thursday morning I woke up at like 5:30am because Emily had to leave the house by 6:30 to get to work. I had to haul all my stuff into Wegmans and sit in the cafe for a couple of hours, and then I had to drag all of it to the Greyhound station. Luckily, one of my friends picked me up at the bus station and brought me home, so I didn't have to drag it all home from the bus stop too. I had about an hour and a half to empty my suitcase and repack it, and then Amber and her mom came to get me and we stopped at Cracker Barrel for dinner before heading upstate. I stayed with Kristin and Damien almost the entire time I was there, which was really great actually! They have a whole nerd room and I slept on the couch in there.

Plattsburgh was basically board games and weed, haha. We went to the mall a couple of times, I went to Fantastic Planet, the comic book shop I used to frequent when I was a teenager, and the same people still run it! That was really nice to see. We swam in Damien's parents' pool. We ate a lot of good food. Damien's been running a D&D campaign for Kristin and Sadie and Colby, and I got to guest star for a session as a drow sorcerer who ended up having a battle of the bands with Sadie's halfling bard. That was a LOT of fun. I don't mind 5th edition, I really disliked the earlier versions of D&D I tried, but this was pretty simple. We played a lot of board games-- Pandemic, Star Trek Panic, Superfight, Sushi Go, Slash, and Dead of Winter. It was very low key and relaxing and I had a really good time there. On Tuesday I went into Plattsburgh and walked around and hit a consignment store and found leather hi-top Converse for $20, that was pretty great. And I had a poutine, and met up with Jeanne for the last time before she moves to Maine, and spent a little while in the library, and when I got back to Keeseville Amber and Jenice came over for games and we all decided that it would be a lot easier if I took my stuff and stayed at Amber's apartment in Plattsburgh that night instead of having to get all my shit to Plattsburgh from Keeseville in the morning to take the train. But Amber was going to Saranac Lake to spend time with her gentleman friend, so I got dropped off at her apartment alone and spent the night with her cats Angus and Rango. Very sweet kitties. I took the train home on Wednesday and it was 90 minutes late and the cafe car was basically demolished before it even got to Plattsburgh and it was just a very disappointing Amtrak ride. But then I took a cab home and... I was home! It was nice to sleep in my own bed again.

So that was my vacation. It was excellent, I had a wonderful time.

That weekend was the library Summerfest, and CMS ran a book/DVD sale and made about $500. A successful experiment, and one we will be repeating probably twice annually.

Pokemon Go came out that week. It's basically been eating my life since then. I've caught 1500 Pokemon in a month. I'm at level 24 now. It's been a lot of fun, it's been getting me out of the house and walking around when it's not so fucking hot that I can't manage a walk through the park. I've made some PokeGo friends. It's cool.

July 15 was the Brand New/Modest Mouse concert with Julia and her friend Eric. My dad picked me up in Worcester and we mostly talked about smoking weed on the way back to New Bedford? which was WEIRD but also really funny. And then Julia and Eric and I left for the Xfinity Center. Brand New was a lot whinier than I recalled them being from their albums... Jesse Lacey just has a super annoying voice live. But Modest Mouse was FUCKING AWESOME and their playlist was golden, I could not have asked for more of my favorite songs. It was really nice. I spent the weekend home and my mom facilitated my Pokemon habit by walking around Fort Taber with me and driving around downtown. She drove me home to Albany on Sunday. Julia was babysitting my rat while my apartment was being inspected, but I didn't really want to take her back, so now Zoe is Julia's. She seems to like Julia more than she liked me, anyways. And it was nice to be in the car with my mom for that long. I know I'm really really lucky that I get along with and love my mother a lot. I'm on good terms with all of my immediate family and it seems like most of my friends can't say that. I know I'm lucky.

For my birthday on the 19th I got another tattoo. (Oh, I got the bluejay wings finished before I left for vacation in June. They turned out really beautiful.) But the one I got for my birthday was like... Dana Scully's silhouette, but inside her face is an alien abduction scene. It sounds weird but it looks awesome. That's the last ink I can afford for a while; I've been putting it all on a card and now I need to start paying it down instead of charging more to it. I'm not fucking up my credit the way I did when I was a teenager, but I do have to be more careful and responsible about it. I've been trying to close out my higher APR cards and doing a decent job of doing that.

On the 21st there was a free outdoor concert with Bloc Party in Tricentennial Park and I found out for the first time that this band I've been listening to for over a decade actually has a black lead singer and a female drummer... neither of which I knew before I saw them walk out on stage. It was a good show, really really hot out, but I had an iced coffee and a good seat with a full view of the stage, and it was just cool. I treated myself to dinner on my way home and got a cajun BLT that was pretty good, and a black cherry hard cider that was fucking amazing.

On July 23, Amanda Palmer was playing this little venue in Hudson called the Basilica, but at 3:30 before the show she did this like town hall Q&A thingy outside of the venue and it was just like... 50 people sitting on picnic tables and chairs having a discussion with her. And I got to sit directly in front of her and she made eye contact with me and smiled a lot and then I actually got to inform her about 8tracks as an alternative to Pandora/Spotify which she had never heard of before and said she'd check it out. And then at the end she wanted a picture taken with everyone so... there is an existent picture of me standing right behind Amanda Palmer holding her beautiful baby, literally close enough to touch her like RIGHT BEHIND HER. Then there was a couple hours intermission before the show, so I went with the people I came with (Ben Palmer, who I was friends with all the way back at SUNY Plattsburgh, and his fiancee Leslie) and we walked around Hudson which is just a really cute little town with all kinds of great shops and I spent too much money at a letterpress store and we got drinks at a bookstore/bar and dinner at this taco truck and then headed back to the Basilica for the show which was just fucking phenomenal. The opener was "Thor & Friends" which is a bunch of Austin-based musicians making like... trippy ambient jams with xylophone and marimba and strings and spooky wordless vocals, and that was super cool. And then Amanda had a ~special guest~ come up-- Ben Folds' daughter Gracie, who played an original song which was FUCKING AWESOME and as soon as I got home I looked her up on Bandcamp and threw her money so I could have a copy of the demo of that song. And then Amanda played In My Mind and Machete and then she did a like 25 minute long spoken word poem backed by Thor & Friends which was just heartrending and beautiful. And then she had her dad on the stage, and that was the point of the tour, her and her dad supporting the covers album they'd put out together, and that was also beautiful and awesome. And after the show Amanda signed my ukulele and gave me a hug and it was just... an absolutely transcendental day.

And then, of course, I crashed HARD, and got super depressed for a week and had a very messy few days emoting way too openly all over Facebook. And then I got better again. Because that's bipolar disorder. At least I don't stay down for long. I got bad, and then I got better.

August 2 was a Tuesday, Julia came up to visit me, and we saw Motion City Soundtrack on their farewell tour at Upstate Concert Hall. I have never been in that venue at this time of year before and by the time MCS came up on stage it must have been 110 degrees in there, but I still jumped around and bounced through their entire set singing along like the fangirl I am. I'm sad they're breaking up the band at the end of this tour because they put on a great, super high-energy show all the time. Justin Pierre is like a squirrel on crack though, he talks so fast and never stops moving, it's just amazing to watch him in motion with that hair flying all over the place.

And that was three days ago. Sadie's birthday was August 3 and she came down to visit and has been here since then, we went Pokehunting, we went to Zombie Planet and the nerd children played D&D and I walked around and found about $500 of games I badly want (including an absolutely beautiful deluxe edition of Tokaido that's $120, ouch), and then last night they dragged me to Suicide Squad, which was terrible, and we didn't get back to Rensselaer until 12:30 and I didn't fall asleep until after 2:30 and I woke up at 5 so I feel like some kind of hell right now, let me tell you. But yesterday, also, my new phone came in, so when I woke up early I just spent the entire morning porting shit from my old phone to my new phone and getting that all set up how I want it, and it's blue and beautiful and has a massive battery and I'm just so happy with it. I'm calling it the TARDIS because it's blue and bigger on the inside.

So... Next weekend is Film Night at Tanglewood, I'm seeing the Dresden Dolls at their warmup show in Kingston on the 24th, and then in Boston on the 26th, but I'm seeing Nick Offerman and Megan Mulally in Albany on the 25th with [livejournal.com profile] citizenjess and [livejournal.com profile] patientalien who I'm also going to the Boston show with and it's going to be AWESOME!!! I'm so stoked about it. Then Labor Day weekend I'm going up to Saranac Lake to do a photoshoot with Dan Hausner. The last week of September I'm seeing Ben Folds on Monday by myself and Postmodern Jukebox on Friday with Kristin and Amber and Jenice. Nothing on the schedule for October, Frank Turner on November 2 at UCH, Ani DiFranco November 9 at the Egg, and that's all I have on the calendar for concerts this year. I was hoping to see Andrew Bird in Ithaca in October, but I can't swing $150 on bus tickets and $40 for the show. Ithaca is just not an easy or affordable place to get to. And I went to Emily the last two times. Next time she has to come to me.

And that's what's been going on with my summer.
speccygeekgrrl42: (*tub time*)
Okay. So. I haven't actually made a post... in 2016 yet. So I have a lot of stuff to cover, if I can remember it all...

January was pretty great, I attended multiple Januarymas weekends, Chris came to visit a lot, I got super drunk and played games and it was awesome.

February... I spent almost my entire tax return on a new mattress for my bed, which is so comfortable and perfect now. And then I was too impatient to wait for Chris to help me set it up so I did it all by myself. Later in the month I made cookies and had people come over to play games and only Brian and my bus friend Steven showed up. I went to see Deadpool with Luc.

March, I got a new tattoo, it's a broken teacup fixed with gold and the quote "there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in" on my left thigh, and it's absolutely beautiful. I'm so glad that Ginni introduced me to Emily Clute because she does gorgeous work. I'm on the schedule now for my back tattoo with her, and I have claimed art for my right thigh but I don't know when I'll be able to afford it. Then not even a week later, I went to Syracuse to see Fall Out Boy with Emily Knapp, which was fantastic. PVRIS opened for them and I really dig them, they were like... a cross between Paramore and CHVRCHES. We stayed at her ex's parents' house after the concert, which was lovely, but I only got about three hours of sleep. And then on our way to Ithaca we stopped at Wells and got breakfast at Dorie's and ate by the boat house. It was really nice. I had a great time with Emily but I couldn't stay long. We are going to see Panic! and Weezer and Andrew McMahon in June, and after that I will be spending a few days in Ithaca with her. We hope that her douchebag roommate will be gone by then. I also learned how to make quiche with a sweet potato crust. At the end of the month Amanda Palmer did a livestream with Jherick Bischoff and it gave me life, and during it she teased a Dresden Dolls reunion, and then tickets went on sale! So I am seeing the Dresden Dolls in Boston in August with my sister Julia and with [livejournal.com profile] citizenjess who I have been LJ friends with for like a decade but have not met in person yet! So that should be pretty awesome.

April started with me going to New Bedford to see a Mountain Goats concert with Julia in Providence, which was amazing. They played a lot of the songs I listened to a lot after breaking up with Phillip and Shane so it felt weirdly cathartic. The guy who opened for them is named William Tyler and he did wicked cool acoustic guitar instrumentals, very chill and vaguely country-ish-indie-ish. I liked him enough to buy his album. And the tour poster for the Mountain Goats was gorgeous so I bought it and framed it and it is hanging on my living room wall now. April also held Albany Restaurant Week, which is a three course meal for $20, so I took myself out for dinner twice and was taken out to dinner twice and got salmon every time (maple salmon = best, mustard salmon = okay, sushi/sashimi combo = yaaaas). I also drank a lot of cider, lol. Stella Artois cider is very delicious. I went to see Stef Preston's band at the Low Beat about halfway through the month. Toward the end of April was Staff Development Day, which was okay, I got to talk to Adam for twenty minutes and found out he's a huge music fan too, although he's a record collector and I'm a concert-goer. I also got a pair of prescription sunglasses, they're blue tortoiseshell clubmasters and I look totally cute in them.

May began by seeing BORNS at Upstate Concert Hall with Sarah Blakeslee, which was a whole lot of fun and just a really great show. I went to see Captain America: Civil War with Branden, who is just the most miserable and depressed lonely person I know and I was trying to be nice to him but I don't know how much longer I can keep that up. I was supposed to be going with him to see the Dresden Dolls, so now I have to figure out how to get there because I think he backed out but still wants his ex-girlfriend to have a ticket and I'm just... what? I don't even know what's going on there. Whatever. Kristin's mother died like right after Mother's Day, so I went up to Plattsburgh for the funeral and to support Kristin, and that was... surprisingly good, for being such a sad reason I was there? I really got to reaffirm my friendship with Kristin, which is something I had been hoping I could do. I know we're never going to be as close as we were back in college, but we're back on much better terms now, which I'm happy about. We played a lot of games, I sort of made amends with her boyfriend who I was holding kind of a stupid grudge against for about a year but that seems to be smoothed over and I'm just glad he's taking such good care of her. I stayed with Sadie for the weekend, but while I was there I also got to meet Jeanne for the first time and see Mike for the first time since... like 2011, I think? Last time I saw him he was still single because we hooked up, lol. I also had a chance encounter with Mandy, which was wonderful because I missed her and I didn't think I'd be able to see her that visit. And I met up with David and had lunch with him, which was nice. I will be returning to Plattsburgh in July for a longer visit which will be better planned so I can see and spend more time with more people. One of my rats died while I was in Plattsburgh, so I buried River by the Normanskill river, in a very pretty spot. Zoe is depressed without her sister. The day after that was the Workforce Challenge race, which I fucked up by not crossing the finish line so I don't have an official time but I am 99% sure I beat my time from last year by at least three minutes, so I'm calling it a victory. A few days after that I got to see Joywave at the Hollow with my new friend Nate who looks a lot like Pete Wentz, just in glasses. Joywave was very high energy and fun, and I got to take a picture with the lead singer after the show and tell him that his album is in circulation at the library and that I recommend it to people. On Wednesday there was another Reading Music event, this time for Game of Thrones, and the performers were Dork Store Orchestra, and it was really cool. And now it is the final weekend of May and I am alone in my apartment trying to get as much writing done as I can.

Plans for the summer coming up: Next weekend I am getting the first session done for my next tattoo, which will be a bluejay wing on one shoulderblade and "squint your eyes and hope real hard, maybe sprout wings" in the shape of a wing on the other side. The weekend after that is the Capital District Renaissance Faire. That Wednesday I am seeing Mumford and Sons at SPAC with McKenna. The weekend after that will be the second session for the wings. The weekend after that is the Panic!/Weezer/Andrew McMahon concert with Emily and Sadie and Colby, which kicks off my eleven day vacation. So day one is the concert in Canandaigua, days 2-6 will be spent in Ithaca with Emily, day 6 I come home to Albany, I'm hoping to be collected on day 7 and brought up to Plattsburgh to stay until July 5, which is day 11. The weekend after that is the library Summerfest which I have to work a book sale for, and I might be house/catsitting for Jendy that weekend/few days. The weekend after that, I'm going to MA for the Modest Mouse/Brand New concert with Julia and her friends. The weekend after that, I am hoping to see Amanda Palmer in Hudson, but I haven't been able to find anyone to go with me yet. The first week of August, I'm seeing Motion City Soundtrack on their farewell tour at UCH. The weekend after that is Film Night at Tanglewood. The final weekend of August is the Dresden Dolls concert in Boston. And that's basically my entire summer.

In more prosaic/less date-based news... I've been going out to lunch 2-3 times a week with my coworkers, mostly Chris, mostly to Kanters Deli. Once we got berry salads and took them to Washington Park, that was really nice. We have switched to centralized ordering of CDs in CMS, which means I have processed about 400 CDs in the past month and a half, but we discovered on Friday that the entire CD budget for the year has been blown and it's not even June yet. So... either we're not getting any new music for the rest of the year or some numbers have to be juggled. I would be okay with not getting any more CDs for a while, it's a fucking pain in the ass doing 150 of those at a time. I bought Superfight and three of the expansions, I'm trying to wait until I get some Amazon gift cards to get the other three expansions I want, plus a case that will hold the whole game, ideally I'll get those before I go back to Plattsburgh.

The novel is coming along... my deadline is the end of June. Right now it's about 430 pages long. I expect my beta-readers to cut a lot of it, but I don't know what needs to be cut. I'm also still dicking around with AU stories-- right now the ones that I'm working on are the Game of Thrones AU and the one where TJ is a sex worker (it's actually cute...) but I need to focus on the actual novel most of all. I have a handful of major plot points that need to be finished, and a couple of chapters need wholesale revision before I can show the novel to anyone, but... I might be able to get it done. I hope I will. I've been having some weird character bleed issues with Quentin's attitude melding into mine sometimes which is upsetting because he's still an asshole even after his redemption, but... weirdly... he was apologetic about it happening? the voice in my head apologized to me? which was FUCKING WEIRD. But... I've been saying for a while now that they're practically real people. This is just bringing that home. So... I just need to finish the novel so I can write about characters besides Quentin and Tyler Jordan. I did finish writing their wedding today, so that's good.

I'm doing 30 Dresses in 30 Days in June, so I need to get all my dresses organized so I know which ones to wear each week. And I have a shitton of mail to send out that I've just been sitting on and not finishing and addressing and mailing. I keep putting it off until the next time I get paid... I'll just make Chris bring me to the post office next weekend on our way to Schenectady for me to get inked.

I feel really tired when I get home from work most days and don't get much done. A lot of sitting in bed staring at Facebook and not writing. I wish I had a way to make myself be productive after work instead of just being a useless lump. I might leave work feeling okay but by the time I get home it's all gone. Oh well. I don't know what to do about it, really. Except develop a sense of self-discipline I really don't have.

I think I'm going to go eat dinner and then go take a cool bath. It's ridiculously fucking hot out so maybe that will help.
speccygeekgrrl42: (are you done? / no. : TBBT)
1/1: Barb's wonderful New Year's party, a rousing game of CAH with old friends and new, a kickass cheese plate I assembled
1/2: Sam's pork and kielbasa New Year's meal, spent several hours with Eric
1/3: Got a lot of writing done in the car back to Albany, shared a delicious dinner with Chris, he set up a closet rack for me
1/4: Rearranged craft drawers successfully, hung fleece over windows to insulate better
1/5: Taught a great jewelry class
1/6: This was a very weird day, I woke up at 4:30am and was basically nonfunctional by 4:30pm, but I did start the day with a Starbucks latte
1/7: Acquired a copy of the follow-up to The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up
1/8: Several boxes arrived, including my Lush order and my Star Wars OT3 Pops
1/9: Did a lot of cleaning and crafting
1/10: Finished the story of the afternoon Quentin and Tyler Jordan kissed for the first time
1/11: Finished a story for Tyler Jordan's birthday
1/12: Got lunch with Alex, cleared the Playaways off my cart
1/13: Woke up early, got a crazy amount of stuff done before leaving the house, came home to yummy crockpot chicken and made cornbread to go with it, refreshed my hair dye
1/14: Had an appointment with Dr. Achar and don't have to come back until July
1/15: Death of a Bachelor dropped and it's flawless, got falafel for lunch with Chris, got a drink after work with Ginni
1/16: First Januarymas party of the year for me, hung out with awesome people I like, played Slash for the first time, ate DELICIOUS venison and lamb and rabbit, played Dead of Winter and won by making a zombie killing robot named Anti-Zombotron 2000, got a wicked intense backrub from Nella, generally had a total blast
1/17:
1/18:
1/19:
1/20:
1/21: Sadie and Colby came to visit, took me out for Japanese, then came back here with Colby's brother and his GF and David and Nancy for Cards Against Humanity
1/22: Watched a couple episodes of Steven Universe and one of the Flash with Sadie and Colby, made minestrone, then finished a story after they left and before Chris arrived
1/23: ran all over town with Chris trying to get ingredients to make tiramisu, then Januarymas part deux (for me): chai spiced cider, Italian food, cuddle puddle with delicious hairpulling, allowed to give three people man-braids (Andrew, Luc, and Michael), learned how to play Superfight, and everyone liked my tiramisu!
1/24: Spent $97 and saved $125 at Hot Topic (exchanged fancy TARDIS dress for the right size, got the TARDIS coat, a Panic! hoodie, a Sailor Moon t-shirt, some Star Wars cookie cutters), got a couple things at Lush, Chris helped get my laundry done, then after he left I put away a month's worth of laundry, made my bed, took a long bath and read 12 chapters of Chrissie Hynde's autobiography, then painted my nails with [livejournal.com profile] moorishflower's handmade nail polish which is lovely!
1/25:
1/26:
1/27:
1/28:
1/29:
1/30:
1/31:
speccygeekgrrl42: (two of swords)
2015 was a pretty amazing year for me. I was determined to make it a good one, being the year I turned 30, but I didn't know just how good it was going to be. I did not know, on December 31st 2014, the amazing trajectory my life was about to take.

January 1st, Chris brought me to Barb's house out by Rochester, and that was just the best possible place I could have been to start the year. We went back to Barb's for Memorial Day and... Columbus Day? It was October. I really like Barb a lot and her house is like a spiritual retreat. It's just out in the woods and so quiet and beautiful, and we build fires and dip in the hot tub and I play with her cat Panda and the dogs Wulfy and Stanley and it's just great. She has a party on January 1st and invites her friends, who are all artists and writers and activists and musicians and just great, creative people, and we started the year by focusing our intentions, burning the things we wanted to leave behind from 2014, and expressing our hopes and fears for the year ahead. It was very cool.

In January I got a full-time job working in CMS, and it took me a few months to really get into the swing of full-time work. No one really explained the payroll system to me, or the insurance/flex spending accounts, or... anything to do with being full time, honestly, I felt like I was basically tossed in the deep end and told to swim. But I've been doing okay for a while now. I appreciate that I accrue vacation and personal and sick time now, and I appreciate having insurance, and I appreciate being employed in a department I like with coworkers I get along with and a job that basically allows me to work at my own pace. We undertook a huge project this year when the library director decided to switch all the branches back to the Dewey Decimal System, and it took us basically like nine months to get that done. We switched cataloging systems from Horizon to Sierra in March, and that took some getting used to and it basically broke the ordering system for a couple of months and stressed my whole department out really badly, but we've pretty much got everything under control now. I like the fact that I can just basically listen to music all day long at work.

I also got a Mirena IUD put in in January. And it's been great. I've had like, two periods all year. Thumbs way up. Slightly silly to have a long-term birth control now that I'm functionally asexual, but totally worth it to stop the monthly curse. And it's good until 2020.

At the end of January I saw my first concert of the year, which was Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness. Andrew McMahon is the lead singer of Something Corporate and Jack's Mannequin and he played a bunch of songs from those bands too, and basically launched me back into pop punk in a major way. Over the course of the year I went to 13 concerts: Andrew McMahon in January (with Stef and Sarah) and November, St. Vincent in March (with Claudia and Robert), the Mountain Goats (with Amber and Kristin) and Sufjan Stevens (by myself) in April, Welcome to Night Vale and a Reading Music event in May (with other library folks), Fall Out Boy in June (with Emily and Sadie), Dave Matthews Band (with Brian) and Motion City Soundtrack (with Stef and Mia) in July, Film Night at Tanglewood in August (with Brian, April, and Stephanie), Death Cab for Cutie (with Julia) and Stranger at Home in September, and New Politics in November (with Julia again). Some of those concerts were EXTREMELY awesome-- especially the Mountain Goats concert with Amber and Kristin, because it was great to have one more adventure with the women who had been my closest friends for many years, and it was incredibly fun wandering around Boston with them (even though we got lost). And the FOB concert with Emily and Sadie, both of whom I love, and it was just a great show and Emily's first concert, and we had a picnic in the SPAC parking lot after the show waiting for the traffic to filter out. And Death Cab for Cutie with Julia was super cool, Explosions in the Sky opened for them and that was just awesome. I thought I would define my year by concerts, but it turns out that there was something far more personal and significant that happened this year that I know will be what I think of when I look back on 2015 from the future.

This is the year I basically wrote an entire novel. At the end of 2014 I was looking through my old stash of character bios and stories from the days when Kristin and I were crazy RP fiends, and I picked out a few characters to take a look at this year, figuring I'd get a couple of stories out of each pairing probably. I started with Paul and Orly and got a couple of stories about them, and then I wrote one story about their brothers Tyler Jordan and Quentin and they just ATE MY ENTIRE BRAIN. I've written about 200,000 words about Quentin and Tyler Jordan in the past 11 months. I've followed their relationship from the night they met through their first holidays together after they got married, about two and a half years. As of December 26th, I have 166,000 words of finished stories, and I'm hoping to finish at least one more before the end of the year. I've been writing it all out of order, which is not a thing I've done before-- I've ALWAYS written original fiction in chronological order, but I've never stuck with one set of characters as consistently as this before. I've got their whole social ambit plotted out on Charahub-- the boys, their parents and siblings, their bandmates and coworkers and friends, a few people involved with those people... Once I finish telling Quentin and Tyler Jordan's story, I'm going to go back and focus on Paul and Orly, although I don't think I'll get quite as many words about them. And after that I'm going to come back to the other Grahams, because Wendy's interesting and I'd like to explore her college relationships, and her professor is going to get involved with her dad, and I'd like to play around with the twins too.

I also won at NaNoWriMo this year. Although I did not finish a novel in November. I wrote 50,000 words of pieces of the novel I'd been working on all year, including the international tour of Tyler Jordan's band. But this is the first time I've won at NaNo EVER. So I was pretty psyched about that. And I'm hoping to assemble this whole timeline of stories into a cohesive novel (although things will need to be cut, and other things will need to be spun out in more detail... I wrote a few drabbles that really need to be whole stories) and maybe find someone to publish it. I'm calling it Kintsukuroi, or "the art of repairing broken things with gold". And my next tattoo is going to partially commemorate this project.

Oh, tattoos. I got four of them this year-- the Albany skyline and a quote from Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year, the Sappho quote I wrote all over campus while I was at Wells, DJ Pusheen (a cat with a record player), and the coordinates to Wells College in my own handwriting. I was hoping to get the "maybe sprout wings" tattoo on my back, but I spent too much money on concert tickets to get that one done. And my next one is going to be a broken teacup fixed with gold and the quote "there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in" on the top of my thigh. Probably left thigh. Still haven't decided on that for sure. And then I have to decide what to balance it out with on the other thigh-- possibly that's where I'll put my Ravenclaw crest.

I dyed my hair blue in the front for my birthday, and then required professional help getting it back to a normal looking red a few months later. My birthday was pretty amazing, though. I went out for hibachi with 11 friends, and then 9 people came back to my apartment for board games and ciders. It was great getting to spend my birthday with so many awesome people, including Chris, my birthday twin.

I didn't think I would be able to make it to Faire this year, but April won a pair of tickets and was kind enough to give them to me, so I went with her and Brian and Ryan for closing weekend and had a lot of fun. Next year I think I'm going to try to get a Queen's Pass because there are so many people I have been talking about going with-- Brian and April, of course, but Sadie wants to come and bring Colby, I want to bring Chris and Sam... I met up with David, the Creepy Bard, while I was there for closing weekend, and he came to visit me a month later and I decided that yes, I was happy being celibate and I didn't really want to be anyone's booty call any more, after that visit. I did develop a new Faire crush, on a guy who is EERILY reminiscent of Quentin, so... I may lowkey stalk him next year. I mean it's not REALLY stalking if I just go to all the Rascals and Rogues performances, right? Since I honestly tended to do that anyways. And maybe follow him around a little bit. Just a little. I'm slightly fascinated by him.

I got visited by a lot of people this year-- Chris has been through once or twice a month every month of the year, just about, Sadie's been down to visit a few times with David and a couple other people and I went up to visit her for her birthday, Emily came for the FOB concert, Sam came here once and I went to Binghamton twice, Rachael and Julia stopped in on their way west and then Julia came for the New Politics/Andrew McMahon concert and brought me home with her for Thanksgiving. I got to come to New Bedford three times, once in April (the night before the Mountain Goats concert), and for a week each for Thanksgiving and for Christmas.

I got new pets this year, too. A pair of rats. My standard, lol. A black hooded and a tan hooded. Zoe and River. I'd kind of forgotten the finer points of rat ownership since 21 and 24. Glad I kept the tank after they died, though. They chewed a few things I would much rather they not have chewed. Ah well. That's what I get for trusting rats.

What else did I do this year? Honestly, concerts and writing was most of it. Work, of course. I bought a lot of pretty dresses. I came to terms with the fact that I shop at Hot Topic again. I taught a lot of jewelry classes. I backed a lot of Kickstarters. I did not read many books because I've been too busy writing to read. I still live with Claudia and we still get along really well. I bought myself a lot of new kitchen stuff for my birthday, new pots and pans, new cooking utensils, I was given a food processor and a set of ceramic knives. I still haven't used the bread machine Claudia gave me for Christmas last year, because I suck and we have no room in the kitchen. I would like to buy a spice rack, but again, we have no room in the kitchen. I did just pull a set of wire shelves off the curb like three weeks ago that fit perfectly in the kitchen, so we have a little more room now. I've decorated my apartment more extensively nerdy, I have Night Vale posters on one wall, a Targaryen banner on one wall, the whole place is lit with string lights, the shower curtain is the TARDIS, it's cozy. And I've expanded my board game collection. I need a folding table or something so we have a surface to play these games on, though.

I started shifting my body care products to all Lush... I have some non-Lush body wash to finish off, but my shampoo and conditioner, body wash, face scrub, makeup remover, deodorant, and toothpaste are all Lush stuff now, plus the bath bombs and bubble bars. It's pricy, yes, but I do feel better not having all these chemicals in everything I'm putting on my body. And my skin is better, and my hair is softer. I think it's worth the price. I do think I'm going to go back to the conditioner in bottles, though. I tried the solid conditioner and it's just really hard to use. Probably going to go back to American Cream once I finish the bar. It's a lot easier now that there's a Lush store in Crossgates so I can smell things before I buy them. And I just made my annual BOGO Christmas Lush purchase and scored 10 bath bombs and 10 bubble bars and 2 medium sized bottles of shower cream. That should last me through most of the year, I hope.

I am trying to use more makeup though. Not Lush makeup. Mostly Urban Decay. I bought myself the Naked 3 palette to encourage me to do my makeup more regularly. I still need to find a good foundation... and learn how to use blush... and get better at putting on eyeliner... and get a lot better at putting on lipstick... but I'm trying. I look all right, I think. I just could look better. I really only started doing this in December. My coworkers tell me I look good, even though I felt kind of clownish the first couple of days.

Now before 2016 starts I need to work on coming up with my goals for the year. After this year's output, I know I can write 15,000 words a month, if I stick with it. I'd like to learn how to knit and crochet, like actually learn more than a single stitch and actually finish something. I'd like to do better with maintaining my Etsy store. I need to do more crafting on a regular basis. I need to read more books. I bought a planner that's designed to help meeting goals on a weekly/monthly/yearly basis, so I'm hoping that using it will actually get me to finish more of these things I'd like to do.

But... I got a lot done this year. I'm proud of how far I've come in twelve months. No time to rest on my laurels, but I will acknowledge that I've done a lot and I should be pleased with what I've done.
speccygeekgrrl42: (*tub time*)
So the last time I updated this post was March 2014... guess it could use some revision.

most of it is the same, but some important things have changed )
speccygeekgrrl42: (I have been blogging! : The Monarch)
I haven't updated my About Me page in 21 months. Not that anyone really cares, but my obsessive internet tendencies demand that I update it every so often. It gives me a certain amount of pleasure to try to describe myself accurately. The things that change and the things that don't change. The things about myself I have deliberately forgotten in my attempt to become a better person, because forgetting is easier than reminding myself I was terrible. (And, honestly, still am terrible in certain circumstances, which I am actively trying to avoid finding myself in now in a preemptive strike against the worse person I know I could be.)

Anyhow. Older. A little wiser. In a better place, occupationally, and in the same place, residentially. I'll probably work on it on my bus ride to Massachusetts. If I don't work on the ridiculous fucking number of stories about Tyler Jordan and Quentin I need to finish. Or let myself get distracted by the other characters I am telling myself I can pick up when I finish with them, except they won't wait their turns... (That's not fair, I shouldn't blame it on Peter. He's very patient. I'm the impatient one.)

And before the end of the year, I have to make my 2015 summary post. But I'll be at my parents' house from the 19th to the 27th, and we all know my sleep habits go directly to hell while I'm there, so... I'll get it done. Hopefully I'll get many things done. I haven't been getting much done this week because I've been too busy indulging my perverse sense of nostalgia and doing stupid, ill-advised things like begging forgiveness from people who I probably shouldn't have reminded I exist, except I have been missing the people I used to be brilliant with, and... I just comprehensively fuck things up and I've been comprehensively fucking things up my entire life. So if I just don't let anyone get that close again, I can't hurt anyone that bad again. Theoretically.

It's a little lonely writing by myself, but I've been doing it so long at this point that it hardly aches at all, except when I let myself remember. So I try not to remember. And then I forget that I'm trying not to remember, and I go archive-diving, and I get all nostalgic for when I was fucked up and codependent and barely functioning, which is a special kind of sick, I think. And then I shake myself out of it and carry on with my life, just a little bit sadder than I was. So I should really stop doing it. If I'm going to be masochistic, I might as well get some interesting and colorful new marks on my skin to prove it, instead of just disturbing my mental equilibrium.

...I don't know if I'll be forgiven. I don't expect to be forgiven, I don't expect an answer. I shouldn't have done it in the first place, but people encouraged me to do it. (I'm not blaming them. I'm the one who did it.) I thought it was brave, but it was probably stupid. Which will probably describe how I leave this world: I thought it was brave, but it was stupid.

Not yet, though. Not for a good long while yet.
speccygeekgrrl42: (*~*special adult party!*~*)
I just bought myself a very, very expensive vibrator. Because if I'm going to give up on men, I deserve better orgasms by myself. And it was 30% off, so I got a $200 vibe for $140. Yay Black Friday deals! It's waterproof, it's rechargeable, it has a warranty, and I already have one (very small inexpensive) vibrator from Lelo that I'm totally happy with so I'm psyched about this one. Time to throw away my old jelly rabbit and upgrade to amazing silicone and dual motors and oh my god I'm so excited to get this package in the mail! Hopefully I'll have it by Wednesday. Yaaaaaaas.
speccygeekgrrl42: (writing about balls)
So my last update was in August. Since then I have:
-gone to Tanglewood for Film Night
-seen Death Cab for Cutie and Explosions in the Sky with Julia
-gone to Faire and developed a new Faire crush
-saw the first public gig of my friend Stef Preston's band Lef
-did a paint and sip at Stephanie Nolan's house and painted a cute picture of Tyler Jordan and Quentin and a Night Vale painting, both of which are hanging on the walls of my apartment now
-basically gave up on having a social life to do NaNoWriMo (I'm at 38,000 words and I have five days left, and I'm at my parents' house for four of them... I'm pretty confident I'm going to make it this year for the first time!)
-tried to color my hair back to red from having it dyed blue, COMPLETELY FUCKING BOTCHED IT (the front was Leeloo orange), and had to get it fixed in a salon (oh my god so fucking expensive)
-completed the Dewey project with the rest of the ladies at CMS (yes, we relabeled EVERY NONFICTION BOOK IN THE APL COLLECTION)
-taught a couple more jewelry classes and got a couple more scheduled for 2016, and was told that my class is the only successful program at that branch
-broke my celibacy twice in one week and immediately decided to go back to doing it indefinitely
-saw New Politics and Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness with Julia

Probably some other stuff in there that I don't recall off the top of my head because I didn't immediately write it down. Problems with ignoring my journal for months on end and having a shitty-ass memory.

So... yeah, this whole celibacy thing. I think I turned myself asexual. Because I have no desire to have more sex now that I've had it a couple more times. And it's not that it was bad, it wasn't bad, it's just... a waste of time and effort from my point of view, I guess? It's messy and inconvenient and I still get bored with it too easily. I don't want a fuckbuddy, I don't want one night stands, and I don't want a relationship. I just don't want to do it. Would I like someone to treat me like I matter the most? Yeah. Do I think anyone's actually going to do it? Nope.

I finally came up with a title for this thing I've been writing all year. It's "Kintsukuroi", which is the art of repairing broken things with gold. It seems like the most accurate single-word description I could think of to define their relationship. I went through and pared out all the parts that weren't about Quentin and Tyler Jordan and revised the timeline a bit and now I have just under 120,000 words about them in finished writing and maybe another 60-70k in unfinished writing. And what I've been doing for NaNoWriMo is just trying to finish a certain part of their story, which is Tyler Jordan's band going on tour and what happens in that two weeks. And then I started writing an AU where they're thieves, and I wrote a Shadowhunter AU, and a Star Trek AU, and a fairy tale AU, because I have no attention span. But I'm making myself finish the tour by the end of the month. I only have a few days left to write about, I just need to figure out exactly what's going to happen in those days.

I'm in New Bedford now, until Sunday, so I have a few days to do nothing but write, if I can find a quiet place to do it. It was quiet out here until my sisters woke up. I guess I'm just going to have to wake up early and write in the mornings if I want to get anything done. Or hang out in my parents' bedroom while everyone is watching TV in the living room.

2015 has been a really good year for me. I'm going to come back in December and write a real actual post about what a good year it's been. But I should probably get back to writing fiction now.

Profile

speccygeekgrrl42: (Default)
Dani

September 2017

S M T W T F S
     12
3456 789
1011 1213141516
17181920212223
24252627282930

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Oct. 16th, 2017 11:47 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios