speccygeekgrrl42: (sort life out)
I had a seizure last night.

Let me back up. The past couple weeks I've been on the decline. I could feel my mood slipping. Last week was fucking awful. I was in a pit and I couldn't see my way out of it. But wait... there's always my trusty friend dextromethorphan. DXM has always kicked me out of shitty mood swings before. I went back and forth on whether it was a good idea. On Thursday I went to a Rifftrax Live show, hoping it would perk me up, but it didn't do the trick. But I bought tussin caps before the show, and when I got home from work on Friday I took my customary 150mg dose. It hit me hard and lifted me right the fuck up. I was a giggly, perky klutz by the time Spencer got home.

The weekend was fucking phenomenal. I've never felt so good on drugs before. DXM always makes me happy, but being with Spencer made me even happier. He had Saturday off, so we were together from 9pm on Friday until 3:30 on Sunday afternoon. We fucked seven times in that time span. It was amazing. Saturday was my game night. Only McKenna came, and she asked me to be a bridesmaid! Rachael asked me to be her bridesmaid like three weeks ago. So now I'm going to be a bridesmaid twice. At least I know Rachael is paying for my dress, lol. Anyways... spent the whole weekend cuddling and canoodling with Spencer. Watched a lot of Futurama, finished watching MST3K season 11, he cooked me a fancy dinner on Friday night, we got sushi with Lizzi Saturday afternoon, and then he made me the best pancakes I've ever had on Sunday morning. Oh, and he bought me a bouquet of irises on our way home Friday afternoon.

So the tussin made its way out of my system by Sunday evening. I woke up on Monday feeling completely happier than I'd been the week before. Went to work, after work I went to the mall to swap a Pop with someone and to pick up the pizza blanket I'd commissioned from a local crocheter and hung out with my coworker's son at the mall. Spencer drove me home from the mall on his break and I waited until he got home because he was having a shitty day and I wanted to make it better. He always takes 30 minute showers after work, so I hopped into the shower with him... and that was the error.

I started feeling lightheaded as soon as I got in the shower and I should have gotten right out but I didn't. I realized I didn't feel good but insisted on actually washing myself because it had been a hot day and I'd been sweating. I managed to get my hair shampooed before the dizziness took me down and I sat on the tub floor in front of Spencer's feet. He was like "are you okay?" and I was like "yeah, I'm fine, just dizzy, give me a second." Stupidly and stubbornly, I stood back up and tried to soap myself up, but very quickly swayed back against Spencer and he had to hold me up. He asked me what was wrong and I said "I feel like I did right before my last seizure," and then proceeded to... have a seizure, of course. He held onto me while I lost control of my limbs and I shook a bit and then... idiotically tried to tell him I was fine and got out of the shower and almost lost control again, ended up huddled on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet still soaking with a towel around my shoulders... and then my idiot ass tried to tell him to finish his shower because I was fine. Luckily for me, he ISN'T an idiot. He managed to carry me back across the apartment and get me to the bed and made sure I was lying down and would stay lying down before he went to wash the conditioner out of his hair.

I know why I had the seizure. It's the same reason I had the last seizure, but forgot about. Robotussin doesn't mix well with one of my medications. The last time I took DXM was in 2010 and I stopped BECAUSE it gave me a seizure.

...and still, my dumb ass is wondering if I could safely take a smaller dose for the mood lifting without the seizure side effect. No safe way to test it, but I still wonder.

Anyways. The last time I updated was April. Lots of shit has happened since April.

Spencer moved in with me at the beginning of May. Claudia wanted to move across the river to cut her commute, which I totally understood. And Spencer was agreeable to moving in instead of paying rent for a place in Averill Park he was never at. He turned Claudia's room into his gaming room and I managed to make enough space in the bedroom for all his clothes (even though it's still mostly all my shit in here).

I'm SO HAPPY living with him. It's wonderful not having to wear clothes in my own apartment. He cooks for me and he doesn't care about being the one to do the smelly chores and I know I've woken up to him basically every night since we started dating but now he BELONGS here and it's just... so great.

I started collecting Funko Pops in an almost pathological way since April. There was a Pop swap at ThinkGeek in the mall and that introduced me to the tight-knit community of Funko collectors in this area. So I went from my out-of-box desk buddy army at work to having almost complete collections of Stranger Things and Rick and Morty (including the expensive rare Chase variants), most of the Guardians of the Galaxy, lots of movie Pops, all the Futurama pops except the SUPER rare and pricey ones... just going absolutely batshit with my collection. I have about $2000 worth of Pops now. I realize I am a madwoman, but I love collecting things, especially cute and nerdy things.

The new season of Mystery Science Theater 3000 dropped on Netflix in April. Spencer and I tried to watch it slowly to savor it, but as soon as I started watching I started writing fanfiction because the Mads are the daughter of Dr. Forrester and the son of TV's Frank and... Forrester and Frank were the origin of my very long-standing villain/henchman kink (the most recent previous example being Monarch/Mrs./21 from Venture Bros) but... yeah. Max is canonically in love with Kinga and she canonically doesn't give a fuck about him and I categorically could not resist shipping the almighty fuck out of them. SO I started writing a fairly plotty, very backstory heavy series about how they've known each other since childhood and how they got to the Moon and I thought I was going to try to guide it around to canon but... no... they're in love and I can't stop it now. But I was going overboard with the early parts posting them on AO3 and I got myself a fangirl! And then on the third story she was like "I've been in a really dark place lately and these stories are all that's cheering me up so thanks" and... you all know me. You know I can't ignore someone in pain. So I gave her my FB contact info and we started chatting and it turned out that she was going from NYC to Saratoga Springs for the weekend... so I met up with her at the bus station on her way home and smoked a bowl with her in the parking lot and she was really cute and cool! Her name is Alex and Spencer keeps teasing me about how she's going to steal me from him. We've been chatting pretty much constantly since then and we're going to a concert together at SPAC in August and I'm just really excited about it.

I've seriously been going balls to the wall with the MST3K stuff though. It's now my second most posted fandom on AO3 (only after Heroes, and I wrote a SHITTON of Heroes fic back in the day, most of which I never even reposted to AO3). I've gotten back into recording podfic but so far I've only recorded my own stories. Spencer is amused by my fangirling. I think I might have agreed to write him fanfiction? Like... porny Chrono Trigger threesome fic? Maybe he'll be happy if I finish the Futurama fic I've been ignoring since I picked up MST3K.

We went back to Vermont toward the end of May, spent the night at his dad's place in the mountains, then crossed the lake and spent another night at Kristin's tiny apartment in Renaissance Village (lmao, yes, on South Catherine St) after playing games with her and Sadie and Colby all night. Sadie and Colby came back in the morning and Spencer made us all pancakes and sausages with very limited resources because he's magical. And on the way home we got stuck in traffic and I was introduced to the joys of fooling around in the car, lol.

I'm just really, really happy with Spencer. We suit each other so ridiculously well. Our hobbies are different but complementary, our senses of humor are very compatible, we're SO well matched in bed, and he's very patient and good about dealing with me when I'm being silly or lacking common sense and I'm very good about dealing with him when he gets depressed or morose.

I want to marry him. I really do. I know I'm rushing things. We haven't even known each other a full year yet. (We met on July 29.) We've only been dating seven months. But this is the kind of relationship I'm willing to put the hard work into because I know he'll match my effort. I've never been in a really effort-matched relationship before, there's always been a huge imbalance in one direction or another before this, but I want to be the one to make him happy for the rest of our lives. He's wary about it because he was dumped after being engaged for seven years, but... I don't get how dumb his ex must have been. He's absolutely wonderful when he's being treated right, and I am very very determined to treat him right. Our seven month anniversary is the 23rd. We're going to Providence to see the Mountain Goats on the 28th and spending a little time in Massachusetts before coming home for the weekend. I'm off from the 28th to July 5th, so that will be a very good vacation.

In other news, the library union is FINALLY on the verge of signing a contract after a year and a half without one, and I'm anxious to get it signed so I can finally get a long-overdue raise. Hopefully that'll go through in the next couple of weeks.

But... I'm tired. I've been lightheaded all day after last night's seizure. And I think I'm going to go to bed early tonight. SO that's enough for now.
speccygeekgrrl42: (and now the weather : Night Vale)
The weekend did not go as I expected it to.

The PCO did. I was allotted 150 minutes; I finished the test in 25 and took another 20 to completely review every question (but only changed one due to this deliberation). First one out of the room, as I always am for testing. I was out by 10:30, and Spencer and I hit the road to Boston around 11ish, making it to Boston around 3:30 after some traffic on the way. The hotel we stayed at was fancier than my usual, which apparently translates to "no pool and no free breakfast"... this is better? Okay. It was still nice, but the bed at the "less good" place in Burlington was more comfy. And it cost $15 to park in hotel parking! What a racket.

We took the T into Boston, which was super easy. We caught the Red Line two blocks from the hotel and it took us right to Boston Common, where we caught Machops and got slices at Sal's Pizza (Spencer approved greatly, as I hoped he would) and stopped into the theater to say hi to Sarah and Jessica, then took the Green Line from the Common to Fenway to get to the House of Blues.

I was supposed to go to the concert with Julia, but she couldn't make it to Boston. We offered to come pick her up, but she said no. So she transferred me the tickets and I went with Spencer instead. It's the first time we've gone to a concert together and we had a good time! I felt kind of sick from alcohol (just one cider, jeez) and tiredness and too many people, so I stood for Night Riots but spent Atlas Genius's whole set sitting on the floor of the mezzanine with my back against the wall. One of the staff saw me stand up when Andrew McMahon came on and offered to let us downstairs for a better view, which we gratefully accepted, and the view was much better from the first floor. Andrew McMahon always puts on a great show, and I have to say I really enjoyed Atlas Genius even though I was on the floor. Night Riots were okay, not phenomenal. But it was a good concert.

After the show we Ubered back to the hotel (15 minutes vs the 45 it would have taken to get the T back) and ended up staying awake until 2:30am getting frisky and then just too awake to sleep after that. I woke up around 5:30 and got to catch a pretty sunrise over the harbor, but I couldn't really get back to sleep after that. We left the hotel around 10-ish, spent too much time trying and failing to find a place to get breakfast, and ended up just stopping at the Framingham Plaza and getting McDonald's and waiting for Sarah and Jessica to meet us for lunch. (I had to get something to eat while we were waiting because the last real food I'd had was the pizza slice around 5pm and we didn't meet them until 12pm.) We got Chinese buffet with them and then hit the road home.

We made it to Albany around 3-ish and went back out to hit the local Pokemon nests because it was absolutely gorgeous out. We drove up to Troy, did not find Machop at RPI, did find a couple of Kabuto in Frear Park, drove back to Albany, found a ton of Machop at Corning Preserve, and a ton of Charmander at Washington Park. Corning Preserve is actually really pretty, right along the Hudson, so I think we're going to have to make that a regular walking stop because it's always a productive nest.

We also got Ben and Jerry's. Spencer is a total ice cream elitist because he's from Vermont, but I'm never going to complain about getting Ben and Jerry's. (It's a little funny because the very first time we met, we walked Washington Park and then I got a scoop at Ben and Jerry's, not realizing that he couldn't afford it when he declined to get one.) There were also about a million doges in the park/in the scoop shop.

Despite my lack of sleep, I felt really good yesterday. I'd been feeling a little blah/down/dull recently, so the change in attitude was nice. I really hope that my mood is turning around. I could really use the seasonal hypomania about now. I feel like I have a lot that needs to get done and I had no motivation to do any of it for the past few weeks. I want to do better. I'd like to really clean the apartment by the end of the month before Spencer gets all moved in. I know it doesn't really matter, that he'll not care if I vacuum or clean the kitchen cabinets, but I want to get the spring cleaning done. The only room I got done before I lost motivation was the bathroom. I'd like to get the kitchen done, at least. My bedroom isn't too terrible, the back room is going to be partially emptied when Claudia leaves, the living room is not too bad. The kitchen is really the worst. Especially the fridge. Oh, the fridge is REALLY bad.

I also have little things I've been putting off that need to be done. I have mail to send to Ivan, Alicia, I said I'd send something to an Amanda Palmer fan in the UK, I have a Reddit Exchange I'm late on sending (it has to be cat-themed, I was going to make jewelry but I only have two little copper cat charms... also one of my amazing fleece cat toys)... I feel like I'm forgetting something, too. I wanted to get rid of some clothes, which I guess I can do at the same time as I pack the winter stuff away, maybe I can do that this weekend. Just figure out what I didn't wear all winter and be rid of it.

Plus there's the habitual stuff I tried to cement and failed at making stick that maybe I'll have more luck with when the sun is rising closer to the time I'm trying to make myself wake up. It was too easy to just go back to sleep when sunrise was 7am. It should be easier to get out of bed when sunrise is at 6am or earlier. I really do want to be more productive in the mornings. I did well with it for like... three or four weeks and then I started failing hard. I feel more motivated now though. And my mornings are like the only time I have alone, since all my evenings I spend with Spencer, plus all of the weekend time he isn't at work. He doesn't demand my attention, we just have been watching a lot of TV together so I haven't been making time to get my solo stuff done. So... if I can make my mornings time I can use, I can get more done. I need to keep doing yoga, maybe not every morning, but maybe I can find a short video I can do every day instead of various 20-25 minute ones whenever I remember to. I need to keep making time to read. It would be nice to make time to write again. I wanted to write poems for National Poetry Month but it's the 10th and I've written 2.

Yeah, I'm writing poetry again. I'm so far just writing the same dumb lovestruck stuff I've always written, but I'm trying to branch out into.... you know, things that aren't just my boyfriend. So far just free verse. I need to ease myself back into formal poetry. I've been sort of idly on-and-off doodling with fanfic again, I finished a couple of Venture Bros stories, I'm half-assedly working on a Futurama fic, I got reminded that I wrote 2 of 4 chapters of an Archer fic that actually got a decent number of kudos that I could go back and finish... deliberately not thinking about the novel right now, but I'm aware that needs to be returned to and completed. Summers are usually not good writing time for me, so I'll see what I can do in the spring, I guess.

I don't know, I feel good and I hope the good feeling lasts.

I have a Welcome to Night Vale show tonight (that I still owe Lisa money for the ticket, yikes), a dental appointment and a therapy appointment tomorrow, and that's all that's on my calendar for this week. The weather is supposed to be nice except for Wednesday, so I'm aiming to make my 6000 step goal on the sunny days. I made almost 10,000 yesterday, that was cool.

So... here's to spring, and feeling better, and getting shit done.
speccygeekgrrl42: (sort life out)
Trying to get back in the habit of posting more regularly, so here goes.

My family came at the beginning of March. It was really good to get to see Dennis for the first time since 2013. Both parents, all siblings, and Rachael's boyfriend Bucky came. My parents brought us out for dinner while they were here, hibachi on Saturday and Indian on Sunday. I didn't spend an overwhelming amount of time with the family as a whole, but my mom and I saw our traditional mommy-daughter movie on Saturday morning-- we saw The Shack, because she wanted to see it and the only other thing I wanted to see was Logan and I didn't know how well she'd like a blood soaked mutant murderfest (although it turns out she liked it because she saw it with Julia after they went back to MA). The Shack was a pretty good adaptation of a pretty mediocre book. Then we drove all over Rensselaer trying to find coffee milkshakes at Stewarts, the one in Defreestville had no coffee ice cream so we had to go to the one by the train station. On Sunday we got family photos done, and my mom insisted on Spencer being in some of the photos, so the two of us nerded it up with our Pokemon trainer jackets and our crocheted Dratinis that Alicia made for us.

A couple weekends later, Spencer brought me to Vermont to meet his dad. My landlord was redoing my bathroom and needed us out for the weekend, so we headed north... and I had a great time. His dad is an old Vermont hippie who grows his own. I got to see the house Spencer grew up in, the bedroom he shared with his twin brother, the AMAZING views of the Green Mountains from his backyard and front yard, and he took me to meet his next-door neighbors who seemed pretty chill and friendly... except I got into a VERY passionate discussion with Maxine about why 50 Shades is garbage and how there's better porn on the internet and how I'm writing an erotica novel that handles BDSM in a much more positive and healthy way... which she asked to read, lmao. While we were in Vermont, we went to the Ben and Jerry's factory (yum!), several great restaurants (one of which had the fish and chips I'd been craving for weeks at that point), we walked Church Street (and the pathetic Church St Mall which is currently in the process of shutting down for massive construction to make it 7 stories, including apartment space), and on our way back to Albany we stopped at the Vermont Teddy Bear Factory (but didn't have time for the tour) and Dakin Farms, which oh my god I've never tasted such delicious sausages holy crap we need to stop there literally every time we pass it, which will be every time we go from VT to Albany.

Around the beginning of March, Claudia let me know that she's planning on moving out by the beginning of May, so Spencer is officially moving in with me by the end of April. We're just waiting for Claudia to get her stuff out to move the (not many) things he has into her old room. He doesn't even have a bed so it's not like we'll need to find a truck to move things, everything he owns will fit in the car over a few loads. We talked to Megan about loosening the no-pet restriction, but she and Ernie are both allergic to cats so they won't let us get a cat (booooo). I don't really want a small pet because I'm sick of tiny things dying quickly, I hate rabbits and guinea pigs and ferrets smell really bad, Spencer hates dogs because he got badly bitten by a collie when he was a kid, so... I don't really know what's left after that. I don't want a bird and I don't care for reptiles, and fish are a lot of work and little return. That's about it.

My morning headaches/dizzy spells have been getting more frequent, and this week I had a dizzy spell that lasted the entire day, which was scary. Usually they go away by the afternoon, but this one just didn't end until I woke up the next day. I'm blowing through my sick time as soon as I accumulate it, and my vacation time is shot because of the two days I had to take off this week. Jendy keeps telling me that I have to save my time and I'm like "hey, I'd love to not be sick this often..." Unfortunately, I'm a little leery of going to the doctor after my last checkup resulted in bloodwork and a mammogram that blew through my entire $1500 deductible in literally one week's worth of appointments. If I had known the mammogram would be that expensive, I would have refused it and just had the ultrasound she ordered to start with, since the mammogram was useless and just told me I have "dense breast tissue" (so... I'm a young woman, basically). I'm pretty annoyed/pissed about how expensive all these tests were to tell me that there's nothing wrong with me when there's clearly something else wrong with me.

Spencer and I have been watching through all the Marvel movies in order to get him ready to see Guardians of the Galaxy 2. We just watched Age of Ultron last night, so we're getting very close to current, and I think I saw Doctor Strange with him (I honestly don't remember if it was him or Greg or Stephen) but I'm willing to re-watch it anyways. We've also been watching through Futurama, and just reached the Comedy Central seasons, and I binged seasons 6 and 7 of Archer so I can watch season 8 as it airs because that just started this week. Superheroes and cartoons is all I've watched this year, lol. I'm pretty okay with that.

I dragged him to see Beauty and the Beast on opening night and I thought it was amazing. Emma Watson did a great job and it was both a faithful adaptation and fixed many of the problems of the original. Quite pleased with it.

I'm trying really hard not to pay too much attention to the complete clusterfuck that is the world at large right now. Trump bombed Syria last night. I'm afraid today will go down in history as the start of WWIII. I'm trying to keep my focus small: me, my loved ones, Albany. Tomorrow I have a major state exam to get my foot in the door for much better paying jobs than I can get at the library, although they're all going to be higher stress than my library job, too. I don't know what the price of my sanity is. Is it $20,000? Cause that's the difference between what I make now and the lowest paid jobs the exam lists for. Plus state workers get super cushy benefits. I could go back to getting therapy monthly or even biweekly. I could pay off my credit cards. I could afford to buy Spencer a gaming rig so he could start streaming. I've been taking the practice tests and acing them all, so I'm not worried about doing well. I have a couple more to go through tonight, and then tomorrow morning is the test, and tomorrow afternoon Spencer and I are driving to Boston so I can see Andrew McMahon and Atlas Genius and Night Riots with Julia at the House of Blues, and then on Sunday hopefully we'll meet up with Sarah and Jessica to do something or at least have a mutually satisfying "holy shit what the fuck" commiseration session.

It doesn't feel like spring yet. I have no drive to accomplish anything. I need the seasonal hypomania to get here.
speccygeekgrrl42: (two of swords)
I feel like I need to make some sort of explanation of my change in relationship status, given how much it's changed over the past few updates. So here's my personal narrative about what went on.

I'd been doing the celibate/single thing for a couple of years with a few blips in the radar that I mostly regretted after the fact, and I thought I'd be okay with maintaining that state indefinitely, but I was still on OKCupid to make friends with people, which led to a lot of coffee meetups, most of which never led to a second meeting. When Pokemon Go dropped in July, I added that I liked to play to my OKC profile, and that resulted in Spencer messaging me-- which honestly is the only way we would have intersected, given our wildly differing hobbies. I wouldn't have met him without Pokemon Go. But we met up specifically to play, usually in Washington Park or around the Plaza, a few times over the summer, and I invited him to my game nights when I started doing those and he came to every one he was invited to. We went on a few things I insisted weren't dates but were basically dates, to the Altamont Fair and to see Sausage Party at the mall, and he came over to watch a movie, and I just got myself really nervous for no reason at all because he never once did anything that made me feel pressured or unhappy. I just remembered too well how quickly I stopped having fun with most of the guys I'd been with after we started sleeping together, and I didn't want that to happen again.

And then I met Greg for another one of my random OKC coffee meetups, and it was just... like the most magical first date I'd ever been on. I was completely swept off my feet, and it's very hard for me to see people's flaws when I'm head over heels for them. There were signs right from the start that we weren't well matched, I just didn't recognize them for what they were. But I needed something magical and overwhelming to break through my resistance to getting in another romantic relationship. I should have known it wouldn't work when he DRAMATICALLY overreacted to Catey telling him not to hurt me or she'd hurt him. Like... that's standard friend-to-new-boyfriend joking around, but he acted like she'd actually attacked him and I had to spend like an hour and a half talking him down from his offended state. He was just so emotionally sheltered and reserved, he never connected with any of my friends, he was frankly an elitist and thought he was better than them, which... that shit doesn't fly with me. At all. And we were HIGHLY sexually incompatible. I could tell he wasn't getting what he wanted, even though I tried to give it to him, and because I could tell he wasn't into it I wouldn't initiate, and then he'd call out my not initiating as a problem... like, yeah, no kidding I'm not going to initiate when you are obviously bored because I can't play out your highly verbal fantasies while doing the very specific things you need to get off that aren't inherently interesting to me at all... it was just bad.

Anyways, I've already chronicled the end of that relationship. We lasted two months and two days. It was brief and emotional and it was exactly what I needed to both get me back into relationship mode so I could be the best version of myself-as-girlfriend for Spencer, who I knew I wanted to be with even when we were just casually hanging out. I needed Greg to get myself out of single mode, but there was no way we would have ever worked out long-term. I just needed that kick back into pairing mode (lol) to be able to make the connection with the person who actually was good for me.

I just... have a habit of collecting sad and lonely boys. It's like the OKC version of being a cat lady feeding strays. A bad habit to be in, leading to far more flops than successes, but when I say that Spencer was one of those sad and lonely boys but I could see that he deserved to be treated better than he'd been to that point, that comes from being something of a connoisseur of that type of guy. I'd met guys that sad and lonely who obviously deserved to be sad and lonely, and I'd met guys like that who didn't deserve it but also didn't click with me, and then... there's Spencer. Who, on paper, is very similar to a lot of my exes (plays video games, most of the way to a college degree but with no way to finish it, bleak sense of humor, smokes weed), but stood out to me because he *never* did anything that made me feel at all uncomfortable, he was okay with my insistence on doing things just as friends and never pressured me to make it anything but platonic. He's never said anything racist or sexist or even laughed at racist jokes other people told with both of us in the room. He's not ~hyper liberal~ or anything but our political viewpoints are pretty closely aligned.

We just suit each other very, very well. He's seamlessly integrated into my life. He already knew and liked most of my friends from game nights, and everyone who met him approved of him. I feel like I've been making positive changes in my life that I wouldn't have made without him, not because he's pushing me to do it (Greg was CONSTANTLY pushing me to push myself and it was fucking stressful), but because it's easy to take advantage of something that could have been a problem (him having to wake up VERY early every day) and turn it into a benefit (3 hours of usable time in the mornings, making me super productive before I even get to work). He has a dark sense of humor but... come on, look at the world, how can any reasonable person not have a dark sense of humor now? And he just gets so adorably enthusiastic any time I ask him about his favorite games and he's so happy to play them for me and explain what's cool about them and... I just know how good it feels to have someone express honest interest in your favorite things. He's very supportive of my hobbies, and we're mingling interests a bit (right now, showing each other our favorite TV shows and movies, I'm bringing him to a concert this summer) and it's nice being exposed to nerdy stuff I didn't know about already.

So. Greg was necessary. I understand why he came into my life. I needed him for a very specific reason. But I do not miss him. I am a million times happier with Spencer. I deserve someone who treats me this well and loves me this much and fits into my life this perfectly. I deserve someone who improves me without stressing me out about how I need to improve myself. And I damn well deserve someone who will cook me dinner and give me backrubs and get tattoos with me and always pick me up from work.
speccygeekgrrl42: (fingers drumming : Jane Lane)
So. I could have sworn I made a post in January but apparently I did not. Which is crazy to me but I guess I am going crazy. Anyways... things have been going astonishingly well since my last post. I'm crazy happy with Spencer and it's just... really nice to be in a relationship with someone I'm not just mentally but also sexually compatible with (and how!). I didn't realize how much I was stressed out by my incompatibility with Greg until I was shown by example how much easier it is to be with someone I actually do suit well.

December was kind of weird, as I started trying to shift my sleep schedule to match up with Spencer's. He works the breakfast shift in a hotel restaurant so he wakes up at 4am on weekdays, and I've been trying with varying success to make myself get out of bed when he leaves the apartment at 5am. On the days I can successfully accomplish this, I get a LOT of shit done in the mornings-- getting up at 5 gives me time to do yoga to a video on YouTube, read for half an hour, write for half an hour, clean for half an hour, have a leisurely cup of coffee, shower, and do my makeup before work. However, at the same time I was trying to make this adjustment, I was also trying to wean myself down to a lower dose of Ambien, which I could only do because I'm smoking weed regularly again. I can manage to sleep easily with 5mg if I smoke too, and wake up in the morning not feeling groggy as long as we go to bed before 9:30. Easier said than done, though.

Speaking of morning routines... I have been intrigued by the concept of "bulletproof coffee" since I heard about it I don't even know how long ago. ThinkGeek had a sale on a box of packets of essentially that, and I decided to give it a shot. Turns out it's actually pretty excellent! It's basically mixing grass-fed butter, coconut oil, and a couple other things depending on the mix (strictly, bulletproof coffee contains MCT oil, but that shit's expensive, and the packets I bought included organic egg yolk and vanilla) into your coffee in the morning and blending it so it's frothy. I bought a hand frother and a jar of ghee/coconut oil to do it myself, and it's been working pretty well! It gives me a steady amount of energy with no mid-morning crash. (It also cured a mild constipation problem which hasn't recurred since I started doing it, lol.) I've been mixing it into the Death Wish limited edition pumpkin flavor (which I found on sale at Price Chopper last week and grabbed two bags of it for less than I paid for one bag from the website, lol), which I had to get a coffee grinder for because it's only whole beans. But it's pretty good with the butter/oil in, especially if I add a drop of vanilla.

I went to see my parents for Christmas and I thought I would be away from Spencer for an entire week, which would have been the longest we'd been apart since we started dating. Turns out we were only apart for three and a half days, because I had a sort of miserable Christmas and he drove down to see me and immediately turned my vacation around. I had a lot of fun showing him around New Bedford. I brought him to Horta's for the chowder and No Problemo for tacos, both of which he said were the best he'd ever had. We Poke-walked downtown New Bedford and Fort Taber. (Before he got there, my mom brought me Poke-hunting at Fort Phoenix and Fort Taber too... my mom is very supportive of my Pokemon habit.) We stayed in bed all day one rainy day watching Venture Bros and petting Oreo. It was very, very nice. We stopped in Boston on December 30 to hang out with Jessica and Sarah, and then had to head back to Albany early on the 31st because I hosted a game night for New Year's Eve which was actually really successful and fun!

Speaking of Jessica and Sarah.... I've been LJ friends with Jessica for a little over a decade at this point, I think, but last summer was the first time we actually met in person as they were moving from Iowa to Boston. But I am SO GLAD that they moved close enough to see and hang out with on a regular basis now! They're so cool and I have fun with them and it's just really good to become closer friends with awesome people. We've been to concerts and comedy shows together, they've visited me in Albany and I've visited them in Ashland, their pets have (mostly) accepted me (Ben is my cuddle buddy when I sleep over, but Augie still barks every time I show up, haha), I'm just really happy to have them close!

January was pretty good. For my jewelry class we made solar system necklaces, and after using that as a prototype I perfected the design and produced a few better ones to sell. I still have supplies for a few more, I just need to pick up more black goldstone. A Series of Unfortunate Events came out on Netflix, so I re-read the whole series (starting off 52 books in a year with 13 in the first month ain't half bad). Spencer and I both got Pokemon tattoos-- he got a Kabutops on his shoulder and I got an Espeon on my arm. Unfortunately, I seem to be having a reaction to the pink ink. I'm taking antihistamines and keeping an eye on it and praying I don't have to get it laser removed because my skin doesn't like the ink. (I also have to shelve a few tattoo ideas-- can't get a fox or a sunset if I can't handle red ink.) We went to Januarymas on Pie Weekend and I tasted almost every pie-- including a salmon pie which a) I didn't know that was a thing and b) I need to eat it again. I pulled a muscle in my back at the end of the month but Spencer has magic hands and between his massages and a hot pack it stopped hurting in a couple of days.

I tried a few things to help me get my life in order, including Habit Calendar (basically just a bullet journal layout for each month, but it's been useful), Tiny Habits (which was good when I could remember to make myself do it-- basically you have to anchor each new habit to something you already do routinely, then celebrate after you do it every time, and it'll establish the habit pretty quickly. my problem is I'm lazy and I forget the positive reinforcement), and the Dreambook (which I still haven't finished the intensive and thought-provoking first section of, but I've been printing out the weekly schedule pages to keep myself on track at least that far). I've been making small adjustments to my schedule to try and maximize my morning time, which is great when it works and awful when I don't make myself get out of bed promptly, or when Spencer doesn't have work so I stay in bed all morning instead of doing things by myself. I got a Fitbit, so I'm trying to increase my daily step count and my daily water intake-- both of which will be easier to maintain when the weather gets warmer, but are difficult/tedious in the cold.

February I got some adulting done-- I saw a doctor, who sent me to get a mammogram and ultrasounds because she felt something in my armpit lymph node, so I worried about that until I got the tests done and was told that there's nothing wrong with me, and I also saw a dentist, which... I made the mistake of going to Aspen Dental, which I found out later I shouldn't have done, but I have to go back for a cleaning and to have some cavities on my molars filled (from grinding my teeth, from stress, because of politics) and that was supposed to happen in February but the day of my appointment was snowed out so they rescheduled for over a month later (it's March 14, which is just part one of a two part cleaning procedure, gross), and that's just a pain in the ass.

I also resumed writing fanfiction, because season six of Venture Bros was fucking golden and I've always shipped Monarch/Dr. Mrs./21 and they practically poured the ship into my lap with that season. So good. It's been really hard to write anything since the election, but fanfiction is good because it's short and relatively easy compared to the shit I've been writing since 2015 and I actually get feedback on it, unlike the novel.

Speaking of the novel... I've shelved it for now. I was on a very draconian media diet while I was writing it, which was unnecessarily punitive on myself, and after November when I couldn't write anything I realized it would be much better on me to deliberately put it down for a few months and come back to it when I wasn't sick of it, than to keep working on it and cursing myself for how little progress was being made. I'm not sure when I'll come back to it. Maybe over the summer. Definitely not before the summer.

February also included two concerts. I saw PWR BTTM in Providence with Jessica and Sarah, which was a great high-energy queer glitter punk fest, just as I expected it would be. After the concert we found this Mexican restaurant which was playing deafeningly loud karaoke music at midnight and there were toddlers there and it was just very confusing, but the food was good. And then not even a week later I saw Young the Giant in Albany with Julia, which was also excellent and I enjoyed it despite being too tired/dizzy to stand for the whole thing and consequently not being able to see half the time.

February ALSO included eating sushi seven times and bringing four people at different times because this little place out in Guilderland was doing 50% off sushi from February 1-14 and even after the sale was over we kept going back because it's seriously the best sushi I've ever had. We're regulars now, it's really funny, I've never been a regular at a sushi restaurant before. And I like it because it adds something moderately healthy to our rotating dinner cycle of pizza-tacos-whatever I can get Spencer to make for me. Not that I'm complaining about my diet these days, he's an EXCELLENT cook, but we don't agree about most pizza toppings (he likes plain pepperoni, I like vegetables and pineapple and mashed potato pizza and he doesn't like any of those, but we can compromise on buffalo chicken pizza).

And... today is March 1st. My family is coming to Albany to visit this weekend, including Dennis, who flew east from Montana yesterday. I'm happy to have them here but also a little nervous about being able to give them enough interesting things to do while they're here. The weather's been warm the past few days (75 in February was pleasant but WORRYING) but it's supposed to be cold again this weekend. My mom wants to get family photos taken-- and she specifically requested that Spencer come with us for them. I mean, he makes enough jokes about being my husband/housewife, even though we've only been dating for three months. He practically lives with me already, we spend every night together, I've been moving my shit around to make room for him in my bedroom, it's pretty serious. And I like it being serious. I like having someone to come home to. I like spending time with him. I like that he always makes me happier, whether I start sad or start happy, I always feel much better with him around. I like goofing around with him and playing Pokemon with him and watching him play video games for me (he played through Chrono Trigger, which was beautiful) and sharing TV shows with each other (once we finished Venture Bros we started Futurama, plus he wants me to get him up to speed on Marvel movies before Guardians of the Galaxy comes out) and grocery shopping with him and all the dumb domestic stuff that I like doing so much. I really love him a lot and I know he's crazy about me and it's just... very, very good. It's nice dating someone who's 100% into me. Greg was not 100% into me. Greg was maybe 50% into me and I just thought he was better than that, but I was wrong. Spencer and I go really, really well together and I am super happy with him.

Oh, because it's March I'm starting my spring cleaning, but I'm being methodical about it this time. I'm attacking one room each weekend to thoroughly clean. I did the bathroom last weekend-- Drano'd the tub and sink, scrubbed both of them down really well, cleaned the toilet, swept the floor, aired out the bath mat, completely rearranged the cabinet so it's actually usable now, it looks a lot better in there. Next up is the kitchen, which I'm enlisting Spencer's help with, since he knows what he's doing in the kitchen and doesn't mind helping clean. I asked him to handle cleaning out the fridge because that's my least favorite. We have a lot more space in the kitchen now because Chris made a shelf for the microwave (totally opening up that counter) and a set of shelves for the corner by the bathroom with the perfect amount of space underneath for a box for the recycling. The hardest part of cleaning the kitchen will be going through the cabinets and getting all the expired stuff gone, and then figuring out a better organizational system for the stuff that stays. I've barely done any cooking or baking since I started dating Spencer, because he's so willing to cook for me, but I miss it and need to get back to doing it.

...so that's my past three months or so. I'm going to try to update a little more regularly this year, but I think I said that last year too.
speccygeekgrrl42: (backrubs are love : Kirk/Spock)
My life.

My weird, crazy, unpredictable, bizarre life.

First, a relationship update: Greg encouraged me for the entire length of our relationship to also date other people. Not just said it was okay but actively encouraged. Tuesday night I double checked with him that he really meant it. Wednesday I asked Spencer if he would mind dating me if I was still dating Greg, and Spencer said that he'd never considered poly at all before but he was willing to try it because he really likes me. Wednesday afternoon Spencer came home with me, I thought we would cuddle and play Pokemon Go, we actually fell into bed and made out for two and a half hours. Greg came home two hours earlier than I expected him to get out of the lab for the day and found us together. Wednesday night Greg and I had a conversation about where our relationship was going and when it ended I thought things were a little precarious but not doomed. Thursday was Thanksgiving, I spent the early afternoon with my coworker Chris's family and had a wonderful time. When I got home from the Havens home, Greg was waiting for me and we had another conversation. He said that we were not compatible in too many ways and I pushed him into saying whether he wanted to keep dating me or not... which he did not. So that kind of ruined my day, being dumped on Thanksgiving, but I let Spencer know that he didn't have to worry about the poly thing any more because he was my only boyfriend now, and he came over and spent the night and made me feel much better.

Then I spent all day Friday with him, except when he had to work in the morning. Then we spent all day Saturday together except when he had to work. It is now Sunday, he is currently at work, and we have plans for the rest of the day together. I kind of sort of very strongly encouraged him to immediately start spending the night every night because he doesn't even have a bed at his apartment and he's much closer to where he works from here so we can spend a little more time together in the mornings. He has to be at work for 6am on weekdays, so I'm trying to adjust my schedule to fit his a little better. If I can turn 5:30-8am into productive time I'll be a fucking powerhouse.

Okay. Rewinding the tape slightly... how things went wrong with Greg. I liked how intellectual he was, but he was too cereberal. He had good conversations with my friends, but he always held himself apart from them. He never did my game nights, he didn't want to be integrated into my social life. And he motivates himself by being very harsh and hyper-critical of himself, and he couldn't stand that I didn't seem to have a method to motivate myself (which was unfair to say when I was spiraling into a bipolar depressive swing, but whatever, I was never going to be ambitious enough to make him happy). And we really were not sexually compatible. He told me that he was bored when we had sex and that it was a problem that I never initiated. No kidding I never initiated, I could tell that he was bored. I just wasn't kinky enough to satisfy him and he had very specific things he needed to do in order to get off which weren't interesting to me. So... he was right. We weren't compatible in too many ways. I asked him if he'd just been waiting for me to get another partner before he dumped me, and he said no, but I still think the timing was very suspicious.

Back to Spencer... so a week ago, the Saturday before Thanksgiving, Chris and Emily were coming from out of town to do a Friendsgiving here in Albany with me, but they weren't arriving until like 8 and Greg was in the lab all day long and Spencer and I hadn't seen each other in a while, and I found out that there was a nest of Kabuto in Saratoga for Pokemon Go, and Kabuto are Spencer's favorite Pokemon. So we took a trip up to Saratoga, got a little lost, found the place, smoked a bowl, found a spot we could stand and hit two Pokestops from, lured them both, and caught about 40 Pokemon in 30 minutes, including several Kabuto. It was really, really nice. Spencer is very sweet and nerdy and sad, and anyone who's known me for a while knows that I am incredibly weak for sad, sweet, nerdy boys. I wanted to touch him the whole time we were in the car... just put a hand on his knee or play with his hair or something. I had the same impulses when he would come for game nights at my house, and he's come to every one I've had since I met him. My October game night was the day after his birthday and I made him mint chocolate chip cupcakes, and that was the only thing he got this year. The whole time I've been friends with him, I've had a feeling that we were going to end up together... we went on a lot of 'friend dates' that I insisted was just friends because I wasn't entirely ready for a relationship again, and then Greg came out of nowhere and swept me off my feet. I sort of have a feeling that I needed Greg in order to get me back into relationship mode so I'd be ready to be a good girlfriend again, but Spencer was who I was meant to end up with, as far as the story of this bizarre year goes.

Anyways, Sunday was Friendsgiving, and Spencer was supposed to go up to Vermont to get some work done on his car but it snowed and he couldn't get out of the Albany area, so I invited him to Friendsgiving at my place. So it was me, Claudia, Chris, Emily, and Spencer. Emily did all the cooking, which was really wonderful of her, it was so nice not having to worry about any of it... I offered to help but my kitchen really is too small for two people to work at the same time. So we all ate and had a good time, and then Spencer and Emily and I went to take down one of the local Gyms in Pokemon Go that had been Level 10 Instinct for weeks and weeks. We could only take down one of the three, but it was nice in the car with them talking about the game and joking around. And then later that week I just couldn't stop thinking that I really wanted to be more to Spencer than just a friend, and that Greg had been saying all along that he wanted me to date whoever I wanted to date, so I asked Spencer out... and I'm really glad that I did, because Spencer and I are 10000% more compatible than Greg and I were. Greg was impressive on paper but we really didn't have any hobbies in common and his taste in media is weirdly specific and we just weren't good in bed together. Spencer and I don't have hobbies in common, but I understand his hobbies. He's a gamer. I've known gamers my whole life. He wants to speedrun video games. He also likes board games and plays Magic: the Gathering. I don't play video games or Magic, but I've spent pretty much literally my entire life around people who do one or both of those things. He hasn't read or seen Harry Potter, but he's willing to read it or watch it for my sake. He's a big Stephen King fan, which I am not, but I'm excited to watch the Dark Tower TV series with him so I'm going to have to read those books first. We're trading off exposing each other to media; I'm showing him Rick and Morty now, and he's going to show me something next, probably the Spiderman cartoon since that's his favorite. He was telling me yesterday about the plot of one of his favorite games and he was just so excited about it and made it sound so interesting... so I might make him play his favorite games for me and sit and absorb the storyline as he plays.

I know this came out of nowhere to most of my friends... I didn't make a big deal about my feelings for Spencer on FB when they were developing, and I made a very vague post when I asked him out. But I changed my relationship status from in a relationship with Greg to single on Thursday, and when I woke up on Friday I had a request to change it to in a relationship with Spencer. So all my FB friends probably think he's a rebound fling, but he isn't. I really, really care about Spencer a lot already and I'm glad that we were friends for several months before we started dating just so we had some time to get to know each other better. But we're so good together. He's really, really obliging. Like, I asked him if he would shave on Thursday, and on Friday night he did it, just shaved his entire full beard off and let me watch him do it, which was weirdly sexy. He's sexy. Like really. The way he bites his lip drives me crazy. He absolutely melts when I touch the back of his neck. He is so so easy to please and I love it. He has beautiful hair that I love to play with. He has really beautiful eyes, just a gorgeous blue-grey that he says look more grey in the winter and more blue in the summer. I can't keep my hands off him at all, and the back of his neck is like a fucking magnet, I just can't help putting a hand there all the time. He is CRAZY good in bed. He gave me the most perfect backrub last night. I felt so good when I went to sleep.

I just... I want to keep him. I want him to be mine. I want him to move in here with me (even though there's literally no room for another person in this apartment... I could get rid of some of my stuff and make room for him). I wish I made enough money to be his sugar mama, I want to spoil the fuck out of him. He's been treated so badly over his life and he just deserves to be treated so much better and I want to be the one who turns his life around like that. He works at a hotel restaurant and he hates it but he has student loans he has to pay off for a degree he didn't finish getting so his job prospects are not bright, he can't even apply for all of those "any bachelor's degree in any field" jobs that come up for the state/city. I want to give him everything he could possibly want. I want to make him so happy that he doesn't know how to cope with it. I want to make myself irreplaceable to him. He says that I'm already making him that happy.

This is probably the most possessive thing I've ever done, but... my tattoo shop was having a Black Friday sale so I currently have $275 credit there. I want to pay for him to get a tattoo. I want him to have a permanent mark that I am responsible for putting there. We could both get relatively small things done for that much. He said he wants a Kabutops but he wants to think about it more and make sure it's what he wants. I'm not in any rush, I need to figure out what I want first. I still want a Ravenclaw crest, but I don't know where. I want a dragon, but I don't know what dragon specifically. I want sleeves, but those will be a lot more expensive than that. Maybe some stars or a galaxy or nebula on the back of the wrist I have the Starfleet insignia on.

Okay. I have like... eight concerts I need to write up, but those will be a separate entry. My relationship status requires 2000 words to explain, but I needed to get it all written down.
speccygeekgrrl42: (call me call me : Natasha)
So I met this guy named Spencer on OKC and we've been hunting Pokemon together for a couple of weeks, which has been nice and low pressure and fun. Yesterday we met up at Colonie Center to see Sausage Party, and today he came over to my apartment and we watched Pineapple Express. And... I don't know, I kind of want to kiss him. But I feel like I've forgotten how normal people make a move. He was literally sitting on my bed next to me for almost two hours and I didn't even cuddle up to him or anything. I want to but at the same time the thought of doing it makes me really anxious because... historically, it seems like I stop having fun with men pretty soon after sex enters the equation. And it was making me anxious before he got here. Once he got here it was fine, he doesn't actually do anything that makes me feel anxious or bad, it was just me psyching myself out before he arrived.

I don't know. We don't really have a ton in common aside from Pokemon. He's a video game speedrunner who's never read/watched Harry Potter and doesn't really listen to music aside from video game soundtracks. He works in the restaurant at a hotel so he always has to wake up super super early and can't hang out after like 8pm if he has work the next day. He seems sweet though. I enjoy his company.

I just think it's really funny that I had a character named Spencer that I sent to culinary school and then I met an actual chef named Spencer. The universe keeps giving weird little nods to the things I make up inside my head and it amuses me.

Anyways... idk what's going to happen with this guy. I guess I'll find out.

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Dani

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