speccygeekgrrl42: (*wtf?* : John)
I have been dreaming a lot about characters lately. Yesterday it was interviewing Lemony Snicket. Last night it was running through woods after a bare-assed John Watson, being cuddled by the Tenth Doctor, and something about Bruce Banner, I think? Also last night I dreamed about Phillip, but I dream about him very frequently. Last night it was about trying to use the computer without letting him see what I was doing. I don't remember what I was doing though.

We went to look at the apartment today and we're going to hand in the paperwork to have them save the unit for us tomorrow. I thought we were going to look at more places, but this one is pretty good, so I guess we don't need to. I like the apartment itself-- my room is going to be smaller, but I'll have more closet space, so it evens out, really, and they'll let us have a cat. The one thing I don't like about it is that it is going to be virtually impossible for me to get to work at a rational hour. The two buses that run by the apartment complex only run from 6:30-8:30 AM-- one of them only runs once in the morning!-- and 2:30 to 6:30 PM. I can't even go sit in the Crossgates where more buses run from, because Crossgates doesn't open until 10 AM. I honestly have no idea how the fuck I'm going to get into Albany any more. I'm pretty much going to be stuck in Guilderland indefinitely. And I won't be able to get to the train station conveniently any more, and basically my freedom to get out of the house is going to drop to nothing.

I need to learn how to drive, but even if I do that, I won't be able to afford a car for a really long time, and I won't be able to afford insurance and gas and help pay rent and have any money left to do anything at all.

I wish we didn't have to leave this house. I understand why we do, but it's going to really suck to go from being able to get anywhere in Albany to not being able to go anywhere at all. I don't think having a cat is going to make up for that. I don't think anything is going to make up for that, really. But my ability to get around is one of the least important factors about where we live.

And, you know, I'm never going to be able to afford an apartment on my own with my income under the Medicaid cutoff. I just can't. I need to have at least someone else with an income living with me, and I can't move in with a stranger. God only knows if Shane would even be able to get a job if he moved out here. I don't even know when Phillip is graduating any more-- he really can't student teach, it would completely break him, I don't know what I can say or do to convince him of the fact that he can't do it, but I am 100% certain that it is the worst possible idea for him to keep going with the education minor. And if he doesn't do it then I think he could graduate in May. But I don't know.

I don't know. My problems are pretty fucking minor in comparison. But they feel like a big deal to me.
speccygeekgrrl42: (sleep. : Rusty)
I had a dream that someone made me angry and I broke their necklace and flung gemstones everywhere, and when I felt bad about it I went on my knees and tried to pick them all up but some were missing forever. I also dreamed of a gorgeous view of the Milky Way (when I go back to Wells, if it's clear I want to go up to the golf course one night) and trying to teach someone something about the sky.

I either took two Ambien last night, or I took one Ambien very late. Because I could have sworn I took one at 11, but when I laid down at 12:30 I only slept very shallowly, and I took another one at 4:30 when I realized I was getting very poor quality sleep. I feel awake now, though.
speccygeekgrrl42: (dozy boys : Eleven and Rory)
I dreamed that Albany Med Center called me back in to tell me they were giving me the job and to answer my questions. And as I was leaving the building on cloud nine, Phillip called me and asked where I was. I told him I had just left AMC and then I heard running feet and there he was in front of me, and I threw myself into his arms in the middle of the rainy sidewalk, and he called me "my love" and said that he just wanted to surprise me.

Then I woke up a little bit, and went back to sleep, and I was still walking around Albany but Phillip was gone. I went into one of the libraries of the big colleges around this neighborhood, and into the computer section, where there were a lot of small-screen computers all in use by students, and some computers with very big screens that nobody was using, but I needed one for some reason and figured I'd use it even though people could see what I was doing on it. And it said I needed to register, so I put in my first name, and it auto-filled my last name and DOB and a whole lot of personal stats, and brought up this Sims-looking image of my family plus Shane, all, "is this right?" and when I clicked on the Shane-sim, they even had his eye color right. And then I got creeped out and shut the computer down.

But anyways, no, it wasn't right. It was missing Phillip.
speccygeekgrrl42: (tired.)
I've been having a lot of nightmares lately, in the past week or so. Which, you know, not all that surprising, given I've just undergone a huge life change and location change and my future is really up in the air right now, but still, my subconscious is definitely not on my side.

Last night I dreamed that I found a book that was a novelization of my life, and when I read ahead in the story, I turned into a really annoying Japanophile and wouldn't shut up when Brian wasn't feeling well, so April slipped drugs into my food and I accidentally overdosed and died. And the last bit of the book was about Phillip and Shane finding someone who was better suited to them. Which I know is bullshit because we are pretty much perfectly suited for each other. And even if something happened to me, they'd still have each other.

Anyways, April would never ruin food by putting drugs in it. And I would never be so insensitive as to demand attention when Brian's ill. So the whole thing was just completely off, and I know it, but I still felt kind of unhappy when I woke up... so I lay here and daydreamed for an hour, and that made things better. I spend a lot of time daydreaming even when things are going well for me, I am going to spend even more time doing it now that I'm separated from my loves.

It has only been a week since I've seen Shane. Only two weeks since I saw Phillip. It feels like months have passed. I miss them so much.
speccygeekgrrl42: (a loving wife &devoted pet :White Collar)
I had this really involved, detailed dream where I suddenly found out I could fly on a broomstick and proceeded to zoom around New Bedford, until I landed near two guys playing basketball and made an instant connection with one of them all flirty-like, and then flew on to a convenience store where I discovered that my flying ability was powered by a certain kind of candy bar (I think it was Whatchamacallit), and then the cops were coming after me and another couple of people who could fly, and my new boytoy was trying to defend me, and I think we all ended up flying off into the sunset together. It was pretty cool.

I have started being kissed good night twice. I like it. I could get used to it in very short order. It's not perfect-- I still have to talk to Shane, which is hard to find the time to do because she's student teaching and always so busy, but I will do it either tonight or tomorrow morning, I just need to be alone with her, and we are almost never alone. But, you know, it's almost perfect.

Today is the Day of Silence to raise awareness of the silencing of LGBT voices. It's also Holocaust Day of Remembrance. SAGA is going to be showing the film Bent tonight to cover both of them-- it's a super sad movie about a gay man in a concentration camp. I need to remember to bring a box of tissues.

I am really busy today aside from that. I have class, I have work, I have to give blood since the blood drive was pushed back from Monday, and at some point (probably after the movie) I have to make time to celebrate the stoner holiday as well, since I can't just let a 4/20 go past unobserved. I don't know who I can rustle up to celebrate with me, but I don't want to do it alone because smoking alone is sad and I'll already be sad from watching Bent. And I don't know where to go-- into the woods, I guess, because Security will be watching the dock, most likely. Maybe I'll walk up to the golf course if it's still nice out.

Wednesday night a bunch of us were sitting in Faculty Parlors, like we do, and I decided that it was finally time for me to start writing up that list of things that are important to my self-concept-- things like being compassionate, being clever, being a cat person, being liberal. And then I thought "Huh, wouldn't it be fun to fill out a character sheet as myself?" And when I said that out loud, everyone agreed with me that it was an interesting idea... so Shane and McKenna and I did it, and now we want to play a game as ourselves, which Phillip said he would run once he figured out the World of Darkness system (which is super easy to learn). So the athiest is going to play god with our actual lives. I think that's hilarious.

Anyways, if you're curious, here's my character sheet: I still think I should have taken a point in Animal Ken... )

I think it will be a lot of fun to play something as myself. :D
speccygeekgrrl42: (I know something you don't : River Song)
I had a dream that my family was living in the house I grew up in at the end of the dead end street with the garden on the other side of the fence, and I was there visiting with Shane and Phillip, and I didn't get to see my mom because she was at Grandma's house (the one that died in 2005), but I saw my dad and my sisters and my brother. And then my friends and I were standing on the porch looking over the fence and there was a guy there with a litter of cocker spaniel puppies, so we all hopped the fence and spent like twenty minutes playing with puppies and I just sat there with a puppy in my lap watching the people I love play with puppies and look so happy and it was just the best dream I have had in a long time.

And I woke up feeling happy and optimistic and not as depressed and hopeless as I've been for the past week. Dreams > antidepressants.

I go see Lisa today. I should write down all the things I want to talk to her about.
speccygeekgrrl42: (music maker; dreamer of dreams: Sherlock)
Amazing complicated mythology dream where I was the reincarnation of some Celtic princess but it was also like a Beauty and the Beast sort of tale except without the beast-being-punished thing, and also a birthday party and I could control water and small animals and my brother and I had matching birthday cakes. I don't even know, it was really complex and semi-lucid and just the best way to spend a night if I had to be forced to wake up at 2:30 and not be able to get back to sleep properly. Also I got into a physical fight with a junkie and then a knife fight with a pimp and I kicked both their asses.

Just, made of awesome.
speccygeekgrrl42: (too cool for school. : Lestrade)
Victory: getting someone who expresses disdain for fandom in general and Sherlock fandom in specific to crack "Not my division" at a change of topic.

Every time I think I have a reason to maybe love him a little less, he immediately negates the reason. Every time I think "okay, I can stop writing poems about him," I get inspired all over again.

That said, at least I have a handle on the situation now. I was kind of out of control for part of last semester, but I've reined myself in. I am and will be perfectly all right. At least, until May I will be perfectly all right.

Except for the part where I'm sleeping like 12 hours a day because my dreams are so crazy and amazing that I just go back to sleep if I wake up early instead of getting up and being productive. The last dream I had last night was of someone leaving hickeys on my hips. Which is weird, but acceptable.
speccygeekgrrl42: (:))
Had a dream my mother walked in while I was giving John a blowjob. And she gave me the full name treatment and refused to turn away, so I just sat there with a mouth full of cock because I wanted to preserve his modesty. Uh, FAIL on all counts. *facepalm* Although for some reason he was covered in sticky bun frosting, so it was significantly tastier than the usual head-giving experience.

I don't even know, now my subconscious is just fucking with me.
speccygeekgrrl42: (consulting criminal is pleased : Jim)
So I just had a dream that was mostly terrifying but also a little bit sexy, and it was about Moriarty focusing on making me lose my sanity. Like, cutting me off from contact with people, doing things to make me think I was going crazy, visiting me and touching me nicely while saying the most terrible things in my ear, and it ended with us with our hands wrapped around each other's throats, trying to be the one who strangled the other first.

So clearly this Stockholm Syndrome kink is a problem that would really fuck with me if anyone actually abducted/isolated me. Or maybe it would only be a problem with Moriarty.

At any rate, my dreams have been amping up the sexy in the past few nights, and I'm not going to complain about that. Usually it happens without the cruelty and the attempt on my life.
speccygeekgrrl42: (curiosity did something : Butcher)
Yesterday I had a dream about my favorite person playing with my cat. I fucking love watching boys play with animals. Watching my brother interact with his dogs is guaranteed hours of fun. And, you know, I've seen him play with my rats, and that was super cute, but... person I love best + animal I love best = best ever, it's just simple math.

Last night, I had a dream about having to ritually kill a shapeshifter by slitting his throat, except I was in love with him and didn't want to do it, except I think I ended up doing it anyways. I might have gotten him out of it? But the last thing I remember about the dream is blood on my hands, so probably not. I don't really want to try to analyze that dream.

I am almost done with my thesis. I basically have to stop talking about myself, which should take another paragraph, and then do the conclusion, which should take about two pages, so when I wrap it up I should have a solid 23 pages of content, not counting title page, abstract, and references. Does anyone actually want to read it? I can upload it if anyone's interested. Once I'm done, anyways. I should have it done by noon tomorrow, I'm hoping.

I just... need to focus. Stop getting distracted by Facebook and everything else, just... buckle down and DO it.
speccygeekgrrl42: (Pam: HBIC forever. : True Blood)
I had an AWESOME dream about being a vampire and trying to adopt another vampire as my family, and my friends were vampire hunters but they didn't want to kill me, they just wanted to find me, and like everyone I like was in this dream. And also I could fly. And there were other vampires trying to either kill me or take my other vampire friend, and I was outwitting them all the time. It was super cool.

Also: it is hilarious to have someone who dresses in Lolita fashion be a vampire hunter. Straight up hilarious.
speccygeekgrrl42: (River is shocked!)
I had a dream that I was a caretaker for four royal children, and I was helping get them ready for a big banquet or something, and in the middle of the huge proceedings someone stabbed the king and shot the queen and I had to try to get all the kids out of the castle before everyone could kill them too. And I think we were in France, or at least some French speaking country, and everyone was nasty, and the kids were all crying and didn't want to leave, and I didn't have enough supplies to feed them or any place where we could stay... it was terrible. At one point I was trying to pack a duffel bag with a change of clothes for each of us, and an archer came into my room and shot arrows at me until he got one in my leg and then laughed and went away.

And then I had to try to sneak them all out of the castle and the only person who was helpful at all was some nerdy security guard who kept calling me "miss" and couldn't disable the alarms.

I don't like dreams that feel so futile. Or dreams in which I get injured. Or dreams about babysitting.
speccygeekgrrl42: (sleep. : Rusty)
I had a bad dream this morning (well, it was a good dream until SURPRISE ASTEROID KILLED ME), so I went back to sleep until I had a better one, and the better one was AWESOME, I saved a whole enclave of dragons and dragonriders from the creepy circus that wanted to steal the dragons, and then I surfed down a three-story bannister instead of taking the stairs.

So now that I feel like a badass, I can deal with being awake and packing some of my shit and generally interacting with the real world.

I love dreaming. I sleep to dream. I wouldn't oversleep so much if my dreams weren't amazing.
speccygeekgrrl42: (trio : Harry/Ron/Hermione)
I slept until 6:20 and had weird dreams about some kind of unorthodox school and people coming after me and making elaborate plans, and also the motor in my pocket rocket breaking. Is it sad that that's the most distinct thing I remember about the dream? It was traumatic! I love that vibrator.

Julia and I are going to see Horrible Bosses at 9 and then wait around for an hour until Harry Potter starts at midnight. I am bringing booze and tissues. And a book for the intermission. Then when we get home I am going to finish my laundry and pack for the weekend, and Shane is going to pick me up tomorrow in the early afternoon since we have to be back to hers by prevening.

It's bad that I just want to sleep more, isn't it. I shouldn't be so tired. I need to get up and do something, I think.
speccygeekgrrl42: (not sure I like this. : RDJ)
I had a very weird dream that involved a lot of dirt. Like, piles of earth, big heaps of soil, a lot of dirt. Also people who didn't like me much, an epic chase scene through woods, and a threesome. So I have no idea what it was about, but I woke up feeling fine, which is kind of weird because I didn't get much sleep at all.

I just... feel very uncertain about everything right now. I don't know what I'm doing in the short term or the long term, I'm being kept in the dark by my parents, who I'm not even sure know what they're doing either, and I have to go back into the car and being in cars makes me anxious.

On the bright side, I have reached a 2:1 ratio of men to women in my hotties list. I didn't think I was going to make it up that high. I have 100 names, I think I should stop at 100. Even if I only post two pictures of each person, that's a ridiculous number of pictures. And I still have to find them all. This is going to be a time-consuming project.
speccygeekgrrl42: (give me just one reason : Sam)
So we decided against the Great Escape because the awesome deal we thought we were going to get on tickets fell through.

I had an entire night worth of dreams about hunting down and killing Nazi art forgers. It was really bizarre. Although I kind of want to go back to sleep, I'm used to sleeping until 2.

I do not know what is going to happen today. I know Amber has to write a paper. I foresee a lot of petting of Angus if he gets up in my face like he do. There may be some reading of fanfiction.
speccygeekgrrl42: (I did inhale : Obama + joint)
Had a strange dream about getting high with classmates in public places using very large pipes, and then having the principal and my friend's mother commandeer a pipe and smoke with me.

I am missing my pair of jean shorts and I would really like to have them in Plattsburgh. Actually, I would really like to wear them today, if I can just find the damn things. I am also missing one of my Threadless t-shirts. I am really very bothered by this fact.

Dennis wants to leave around noon... which means I should probably get up and look for these things if I want to have them, but... I think I'm going to go back to sleep for a couple more hours instead. I'm quite tired. That's what I get for staying up most of the night.
speccygeekgrrl42: (:))
I have been having weird dreams involving my friends lately. Yesterday I dreamed that Mary and I were doing a magic spell (that looked like making lemonade), tonight I dreamed about riding bikes with a lot of people I like to a really quirky interesting house to smoke blunts while an alien attack happened over the city. I was too busy having fun with my friends to freak out about the aliens.

speccygeekgrrl42: (*FLAIL* : Kermit)
Last night was as excellent as the beginning of the day. The Men's Even/Odd Dance-Off took place in the dining hall and there was lots of examples of bustin' moves from boys on both teams... but, as is proper, the Evens kicked the Odds' asses in a major way! They started it all off with Men in Tights, how could they NOT win?

Afterwards, Shane and Mary and Loey and Ashley and I came back to Dodge and played Apples to Apples until midnight. :D I won with sixteen cards including "smart, pure, absurd, zany, delicious"... a a bunch of very apt adjectives. :D

I had a dream that involved doing art and running away from something, and then being given a gigantic ziplock bag full of super-dank weed and trying to sneak it into the house past my parents. xD


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