speccygeekgrrl42: (two of swords)
[personal profile] speccygeekgrrl42
I feel like I need to make some sort of explanation of my change in relationship status, given how much it's changed over the past few updates. So here's my personal narrative about what went on.

I'd been doing the celibate/single thing for a couple of years with a few blips in the radar that I mostly regretted after the fact, and I thought I'd be okay with maintaining that state indefinitely, but I was still on OKCupid to make friends with people, which led to a lot of coffee meetups, most of which never led to a second meeting. When Pokemon Go dropped in July, I added that I liked to play to my OKC profile, and that resulted in Spencer messaging me-- which honestly is the only way we would have intersected, given our wildly differing hobbies. I wouldn't have met him without Pokemon Go. But we met up specifically to play, usually in Washington Park or around the Plaza, a few times over the summer, and I invited him to my game nights when I started doing those and he came to every one he was invited to. We went on a few things I insisted weren't dates but were basically dates, to the Altamont Fair and to see Sausage Party at the mall, and he came over to watch a movie, and I just got myself really nervous for no reason at all because he never once did anything that made me feel pressured or unhappy. I just remembered too well how quickly I stopped having fun with most of the guys I'd been with after we started sleeping together, and I didn't want that to happen again.

And then I met Greg for another one of my random OKC coffee meetups, and it was just... like the most magical first date I'd ever been on. I was completely swept off my feet, and it's very hard for me to see people's flaws when I'm head over heels for them. There were signs right from the start that we weren't well matched, I just didn't recognize them for what they were. But I needed something magical and overwhelming to break through my resistance to getting in another romantic relationship. I should have known it wouldn't work when he DRAMATICALLY overreacted to Catey telling him not to hurt me or she'd hurt him. Like... that's standard friend-to-new-boyfriend joking around, but he acted like she'd actually attacked him and I had to spend like an hour and a half talking him down from his offended state. He was just so emotionally sheltered and reserved, he never connected with any of my friends, he was frankly an elitist and thought he was better than them, which... that shit doesn't fly with me. At all. And we were HIGHLY sexually incompatible. I could tell he wasn't getting what he wanted, even though I tried to give it to him, and because I could tell he wasn't into it I wouldn't initiate, and then he'd call out my not initiating as a problem... like, yeah, no kidding I'm not going to initiate when you are obviously bored because I can't play out your highly verbal fantasies while doing the very specific things you need to get off that aren't inherently interesting to me at all... it was just bad.

Anyways, I've already chronicled the end of that relationship. We lasted two months and two days. It was brief and emotional and it was exactly what I needed to both get me back into relationship mode so I could be the best version of myself-as-girlfriend for Spencer, who I knew I wanted to be with even when we were just casually hanging out. I needed Greg to get myself out of single mode, but there was no way we would have ever worked out long-term. I just needed that kick back into pairing mode (lol) to be able to make the connection with the person who actually was good for me.

I just... have a habit of collecting sad and lonely boys. It's like the OKC version of being a cat lady feeding strays. A bad habit to be in, leading to far more flops than successes, but when I say that Spencer was one of those sad and lonely boys but I could see that he deserved to be treated better than he'd been to that point, that comes from being something of a connoisseur of that type of guy. I'd met guys that sad and lonely who obviously deserved to be sad and lonely, and I'd met guys like that who didn't deserve it but also didn't click with me, and then... there's Spencer. Who, on paper, is very similar to a lot of my exes (plays video games, most of the way to a college degree but with no way to finish it, bleak sense of humor, smokes weed), but stood out to me because he *never* did anything that made me feel at all uncomfortable, he was okay with my insistence on doing things just as friends and never pressured me to make it anything but platonic. He's never said anything racist or sexist or even laughed at racist jokes other people told with both of us in the room. He's not ~hyper liberal~ or anything but our political viewpoints are pretty closely aligned.

We just suit each other very, very well. He's seamlessly integrated into my life. He already knew and liked most of my friends from game nights, and everyone who met him approved of him. I feel like I've been making positive changes in my life that I wouldn't have made without him, not because he's pushing me to do it (Greg was CONSTANTLY pushing me to push myself and it was fucking stressful), but because it's easy to take advantage of something that could have been a problem (him having to wake up VERY early every day) and turn it into a benefit (3 hours of usable time in the mornings, making me super productive before I even get to work). He has a dark sense of humor but... come on, look at the world, how can any reasonable person not have a dark sense of humor now? And he just gets so adorably enthusiastic any time I ask him about his favorite games and he's so happy to play them for me and explain what's cool about them and... I just know how good it feels to have someone express honest interest in your favorite things. He's very supportive of my hobbies, and we're mingling interests a bit (right now, showing each other our favorite TV shows and movies, I'm bringing him to a concert this summer) and it's nice being exposed to nerdy stuff I didn't know about already.

So. Greg was necessary. I understand why he came into my life. I needed him for a very specific reason. But I do not miss him. I am a million times happier with Spencer. I deserve someone who treats me this well and loves me this much and fits into my life this perfectly. I deserve someone who improves me without stressing me out about how I need to improve myself. And I damn well deserve someone who will cook me dinner and give me backrubs and get tattoos with me and always pick me up from work.


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