Sep. 20th, 2016

speccygeekgrrl42: (and now the weather : Night Vale)
You know how sometimes something just totally unexpected will hit you out of nowhere and totally overwhelm you?

I met a guy.

Not just a guy. I met a guy whom I clicked with so immediately and so completely that it feels like I've already known him for ages. I haven't felt like this about anyone since Phillip. I clicked with him faster than I clicked with Phillip. It's... sort of terrifying but mostly brilliant. He's so smart and sweet and we love a lot of the same things and we haven't found anything we seriously disagree about yet (I know, I know, it hasn't been long, I know we will find something we don't agree about, but I also know that there is almost nothing we could disagree about so much that we can't come to terms with it), and he's just... amazing. I honestly am not entirely sure he is real. He just seems too perfect.

His name is Greg and I am crazy about him already.

I've been meeting a lot of people lately-- I met Spencer, I met a guy named Morehouse and saw Star Trek with him, I've been talking to a lot of people, but no one set me so immediately and comprehensively at ease. Everyone else I felt a little anxious to think about getting closer to. I felt no anxiety at all getting very, very close to Greg last night. We lost almost three and a half hours exploring each other yesterday and it felt like barely half that time. He brought me dinner! He cooked food specifically planning to bring it to me! You guys know how I feel about people cooking for me. He wants to cook WITH me. He wants to bring his magnetic poetry to live on my fridge. I am already thinking about *my* bed as *our* bed. He has spent exactly one night in it and I want him to spend many many many nights in it with me from now on.

He identifies as a Ravenclaw and a Stark. He said he will be the Lyanna to my Rhaegar. He is a PhD Neuroscience student and he is deeply interested in rationality and altruism and we have been having the most fascinating conversations. On our first date we went to see Princess Bride being shown in the park and we got there early and sat under a tree and kissed and talked and then cuddled during the movie and went to get dinner afterwards and walked across Albany to get to his car and it was just... the most absolutely perfect first date I've ever had. We have similar/comparable experiences with exes with poor mental health and we're both committed to supporting each other through whatever rough patches we might each go through. We want to keep each other on task for our goals; he's so understanding and supportive of my writing habit even if it turns me into a hermit in November.

He's REALLY fun to kiss. I've been criticized for my kissing style by a couple of people; Greg never criticized me, he likes how I kiss and I like how he kisses. I like how he touches me. He's really verbal and enthusiastic and effusive with his praise for me and I love it. And he likes how I touch him. He told me yesterday that no one's pleased him that well before and that's just... staggering for me to think about? How has no one focused that much on him before me? He's absolutely beautiful and wonderfully communicative and all I wanted to do was make him feel as good as I could possibly make him feel. And he's AMAZING at making me feel good. We're just really, really well suited to each other. I know I'm sexy but he makes me feel even more sexy than I already know I am.

And just sitting next to him on the couch while he did his homework and I messed around on Facebook was... so sweet and peaceful and wonderful. I love doing the simple everyday domestic things, and he just... I know it's only been one night yet. But he's fitting into my life so beautifully. I can't wait to go grocery shopping with him and come home and make dinner together knowing that we're both putting our love into the meal. He's pescatarian-vegan-lite and I can totally learn how to cook for that diet. I hope he'll like my minestrone soup. That's the best thing I can think of that I already know how to make that he can eat. I want to finally use my sushi making kit with him. I want to wake up next to him all the time. He woke me up so gently and wonderfully this morning even though I was still half-asleep when we left the house. He's a tea drinker so my ridiculous stash of loose tea is finally going to good use (although I'm miffed that my Adagio tea-steeper was broken by my roommate and not replaced...) and I will actually drink tea if I have someone to drink it with.

He's been looking for a very specific dynamic in a relationship which just happens to be my absolute forte in interpersonal interactions. I'm so completely delighted to be exactly what he's been looking for. I could not have designed someone more amazing if I sat down with a list and assembled him by bullet point. Literally I could not have come up with someone better because I actually wrote out a list of dealbreakers in 2014 and he completely satisfies every point on the list. I am amazed and... just, wow, what did I do to deserve him? How did I luck out enough to stumble across his profile on OKC and get up the bravery to send a message and insist that we should reschedule when our first meeting had to be delayed and... how? what? really??? I get this? I get to be this lucky? I deserve this?

He loves mythology and fairy tales. He loves metaphors. He loves my poetry. We came up with a metaphor and decided to write each other poems on that theme and I wrote him AN ENTIRE FUCKING SESTINA IN ONE SINGLE HOUR. I haven't written poetry in YEARS and I wrote an entire sestina in one sitting and it only took about 20 minutes to polish it and I'm giving it to him tonight. I wrote things in that poem yesterday afternoon that organically came up in our conversation last night.

He remembers EVERYTHING I have told him about myself. I feel like I am at a disadvantage because my memory is so shitty and he's remembered and used things I only incidentally mentioned. He's looked through every picture I have posted on FB because he wanted to know me and what I love. He is so comprehensive and curious and concerned and I just... thrive like a sprout under sunshine under that kind of attention.

He is polyamorous, and I know my past experiences with poly have left a bad taste in my mouth, but... I think this will work. I think what we already mean to each other and what we will mean to each other is unique and can't be challenged by anyone else because of how specifically we suit each other. I think I can be okay with sharing his attention. I know I can't be everything to him, I don't want to be everything to him, I want to be exactly what I am to him. I know, going into this, that monogamy is not a thing he is willing to do, and I am okay with that. I don't want to tie him down. I want to be a safe harbor for him, not a seawall barring him into the harbor. We have our own lives. I can be happy watching him sail away knowing that he will return. I want to be home for him. But he wants my bed to be our bed, so I think he's already associating me with home.

I just... am amazed. I am amazed. I am stunned, and pleased, and blissful. I am excited and thrilled and yearning to find out what will happen tonight and tomorrow and next week and for as long as we are in each others' orbits. The way my heart stuttered when he called me his girlfriend was just... yes. He tells me he loves me so easily and so often and I believe him wholeheartedly. I tell him I love him and I do mean it wholeheartedly.

I did not think I would find someone who suited me this well again in my life. I thought that when I lost Phillip that I'd lost my soulmate and I'd never feel that way again. I am so glad that I was wrong.


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